I'm trying to write a song that will swoon the women with feelings so I wrote this, are they good enough for teh girls????

My sun burns for you
My stars are there to wish for you
I still remember the night we met
And I decided I'd live for you

All my heart spills for you
And All my breath is taken for two
And if you were to die then know that
I'd die too

Every day that goes by
My heart beats for you
Until the day that I die
My breath is split in two

Every day that goes by
My heart beats for you
Every day that goes by
My breath is taken by you
Write something meaningful, not schmaltzy nonsense. If you want to pick up interesting and thoughtful chicks, which I should hope you do, be interesting and thoughtful. This is neither, sorry.
i think that it's a good start. me being a girl, i should know. you just need to work on a couple of lines. like when you kept saying stuff about your heart... it's ok to just say my heart once or so but you said it like 3 or 4 times. Also, try to steer clear from cliches. Make every word count