seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#1
Dear friends,
kinder than the pills that make you think happy thoughts,
bearers of my health through company,
you have made calendars useful again
with your ongoing trips between home and life,
while I worry about something like gasoline.

I’ve helped some of my closest friends emptying bedrooms,
where once photographs or Catch 22 posters
were taped to the walls to hide the scars we left on them
from the times we moved the sofas to try to fit everyone in.

Now the leftovers are barely pulling off
because all the windows are canvases for riots
and I can’t even travel twenty miles without constantly
checking my car’s autonomy estimation,
because I’ve been spending two hundred Euros
in motion and food without getting paid
in exchange of experience to, hopefully, one day,
get to see you
without thinking about the extra costs to keep me sane.

I may be one of the few
who still calls this town,
whose houses are only lodging past,
home bittersweet home.
Cobrevolution
non sum qualis eram
Join date: Jan 2009
1,053 IQ
#2
dear friends,
you have made calendars useful again.

i've empited bedrooms,
where photographs and posters
were taped to the walls
to hide the scars we left
from the times we moved the sofas
to fit everyone in.

now all the windows are canvases for riots
and I can’t even travel twenty miles
without spending two hundred Euros
on motion and food
to one day get to see you
without thinking about the extra costs
to keep me sane.

I am one of the few
who still calls this town
home bittersweet home.


that's how i would edit this.

i just thought the heart of it was buried. or at least concealed by other less important stuff. like that first stanza. all you need are eight words. the rest of that is extraneous.

i did enjoy it, though.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#3
Thank you Rob, I think your edit does work in a way, but it doesn't even sound like the same poem. I understand that it does sound a bit stuffed and that may make it lost in itself. Thanks for your comment and I'm happy you enjoyed it! Please post more often.
CarnivalBeam
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2009
329 IQ
#4
I like the original, was a refreshing read, easy to follow and flowed well. Great work