seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#1
Leaving the Observation Room,
enveloping my arm around hers
(a premonition to a crown of flowers)
looking at the line of lights
as they persuade
the tears to drip back behind my eyes.
She wouldn’t handle if I cried.
I could tell by the way her feeble elder hands
grabbed my sleeve with the most youthful strength.
She knew,
from the denouncing silence,
from the hurried gait
to the most isolated corner
where our bodies winced,
failing to remain straight,
she knew
she had just said goodbye
to her companion through life.

“There’s a turmoil of memories and I grasp none.”
Last edited by seventh_angel at Dec 9, 2012,
kdownes
one among the Fence
Join date: Dec 2006
2,587 IQ
#3
Is this a follow on from Coma? It feels very thematically similar. There's a honesty and rawness to both of these that's made it difficult to truly offer a critique. I feel like they mean something to you.
ali.guitarkid7
Gets Easier
Join date: Oct 2009
2,304 IQ
#5
this I cannot crit. Honest, bold and raw. It's a beautiful poem.
Quote by Aeolian Harmony
Ali priori / Ali posteriori
Quote by GuitarGod_92
Jesus christ Ali is a nutcase

I actually feel sorry for him, like seriously, get help
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#6
Thank you all guys. Yes Kyle, both those poems are about the death of my grandfather. They just have different perspectives. Everything is still very recent, so I guess I'll make one or two more, depending on what happens from now on. But thankfully, everyone is dealing with it in the best way we can, which is really good and makes me happy.

Thanks again for finding this beautiful guys
kdownes
one among the Fence
Join date: Dec 2006
2,587 IQ
#7
If I had to be honest, I think I preferred this one. The first felt over cluttered and un-organised. A product of the emotions and times, I'm sure, but the message and meaning here is so much more clear and powerful. Glad to hear everyone is managing, losing someone that close is never easy.
#1 synth
Weeow!
Join date: Mar 2006
7,350 IQ
#9
there were some things that irked me in this one, but i would feel uncomfortable bringing them up. I'm very sorry for your loss, man. Warmth and prayers coming your way
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#11
Oh my, thank you guys ! You are all so kind; your words mean a lot

Also, there's no need to feel uncomfortable by poiting out some things that didn't work for you Dylan. It's still a poem and every note is important for me to grow as a writer.

Thank you all so much for the WotW, and mostly for your support.
AngryGoldfish
do I "urk" you?
Join date: Jul 2005
6,606 IQ
#12
Thanks for coming back, Andre. It's a pleasure to see your work again. You've progressed over these two years greatly.
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#13
Congrats on the WotW, Andre. Sorry for your loss, man. I lost my grandfather a little over two years ago and it's still pretty raw for me too, so I understand some of how you're feeling and what you're trying to portray in these. Also, the bit about "she had just said goodbye
to her companion through life" hit especially hard, because my grandma pretty much lost her mind when my grandpa passed. WotW well earned in my opinion.
Quote by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.