Registered User
Join date: Apr 2011
171 IQ
Hey, guys, this is a poem/song that I just started working on recently. I'm still working on a 3rd verse and a chorus but I just wanted to see what you guys thought. Please give any criticism you can because I haven't written in a long time and I know I'm rusty. Thank you

It can be read as just poetry or the vocal style I imagine is a metalcore/screamo kinda thing similar to Bring Me The Horizon/Across Five Aprils(1st album)

Why couldn't you tell me
What you needed me to be
I could've been there for you
Instead you kept yourself from me

And all those sleepless nights
That I spent
All alone
And all I ever wanted
Was for you to come home

We could've done this
We could've taken on the world
But you chose to walk away
Instead of face the truth

And all those sleepless nights
That I spent
All alone
When what I should've done
Was leave
Long ago
this too shall pass
Join date: Jul 2006
1,134 IQ
To be honest, I didn't like this. It was my first time reading it, but I felt like I had read it all before, you know? The imagery and rhyme schemes have all been used up--i.e., face the truth, or the alone/home rhyme, etc.

My biggest issue with the chorus is that in a short four lines, you used the word "all" 3 times. And in places that it was either unnecessary, or that there were better alternatives.

Now, I don't think this piece is hopeless. Not at all. I think it captures a feeling that many of us have experienced. But, try to capture it in a more original way; try to make me say, "Wow. Yep. That's exactly how I feel," rather than, "Wait, have I read this post before?"

Best of luck!