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gorkyporky
I like pie.
Join date: May 2007
3,732 IQ
#1
First of all, i would like to say, i have nothing agains women. I have just never been in this situation before, and i would like some input here.
Anyway, im putting together a band, and the bass player that i seteled on is a woman. She is a good player, and seems like a pretty decent person to get along with.

Now, I know this shouldn't be an issue, but you put 3 guys and an attractive female in a small rom to socialise, the dynamics are bound to be different than in an all male band. To top it of, i also have a pretty jealous gf. And I noticed several threads here on the forum, where a mixed band blew up because of problems that would not happen in a homogenus(?) band.

Basicly, what I'm not even sure what im asking here. Any advice on how to deal with potential conflicts that could arise in this situation? Anyone who ever played with a woman in a band, is welcome to share their experience
Joža je kul. On ma sirove z dodatki pa hambije.
Faux
Or friend?
Join date: Jul 2006
599 IQ
#2
As long as nobody sleeps with her, you should be ok. Just keep it professional. I've dealt with this situation before and did sleep with her and it did not turn out well.
bangoodcharlote
Fractal
Join date: Jun 2003
855 IQ
#3
I hate this thread.

It's not even anything you did. The fact that this is a legitimate question is extremely disturbing.

How to handle your jealous GF is a good question for the relationship thread in The Pit. I'm sure that it's been answered.

How to handle the girl is to handle her like you've handled every other situation that's involved a pretty girl. Ever have a hot lab partner? Ever have a girl in a group for a school project?

That you have a girlfriend makes you more likely to not sleep with the girl (I suspect).

Not having sex with her is what first comes to mind. Aside from that, keep in mind that men and women are different. That goes along with handling the situation like every other situation that has involved a girl.

I don't know what else I can offer. I've never been in the position of being a man in a band that has one girl. I have been in the position of being in a successful group of this composition.
gorkyporky
I like pie.
Join date: May 2007
3,732 IQ
#4
Quote by bangoodcharlote
I hate this thread.




Im not really sure why you find this disturbing, seems prety natural to me. I mean, guys want to screw everything that moves and vaugley resembles a female anyway... But yeah, ill handle my gf, and you are probably right about the other stuff. I do have somewhat limited experience with that tho, i went to a predominantly male high school (like, 1600guys and 7 girls) I'm just gonna try and treat her as i did any band members until now.
Joža je kul. On ma sirove z dodatki pa hambije.
bangoodcharlote
Fractal
Join date: Jun 2003
855 IQ
#5
I hate it because I am a woman!

I also know of myriad situations where guys have had the opinion of "No, thanks". More than that, I have plenty of guy friends who aren't looking to get me into bed every single moment they're with me.

Your concern is also legitimate (and that's what I hate). I can see how this could fall apart.

I can also see how this could end up being a complete non-issue.

In closing, the next time you end up with an eyelash on your finger, when you blow it off, wish that's she's a lesbian.
HotspurJr
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2011
191 IQ
#6
Making a big deal out of it or making a no-sex rule will basically ensure that it happens and it's a problem. Forbidden fruit is the sweetest, and unrequited sexual tension can be just as damaging as an affair-gone-bad.

Your relationship with your girlfriend is your problem. Her jealousy is an issue for you and her to work out. (In short: jealousy is the responsibility of the jealous person. If you don't trust your partner, nothing they do will ever be enough. If you do trust your partner, you can be not bothered by lots of small things. She needs to figure out if she trusts you or not, and if she doesn't, you two need to work on that regardless of whether this woman is in the band or not).

In the band context, you guys basically have to say, "Hey, we're all adults, and this is a professional situation. What you do on your own time is your own business, but don't do anything that's going to negatively impact the band, got it?"

You can't stop bandmates from sleeping with each other. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. What you can do is expect people to treat anything that does happen like adults: to deal with each other honestly, to take responsibility for their own actions, and to keep personal problems personal.

Bandmembers who choose to sleep with each other have the responsibility of being able to work with each other if/when the relationship ends. If bandmembers sleeping together lie or cheat that should have no more impact than bandmembers lying or cheating to each other about other things (which is not to say it's okay, but just because it's about sex doesn't mean you put it on a pedestal).
chronowarp
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2012
43 IQ
#7
My personal preference is to just avoid working with women musically as they tend to be pretty terrible, but that's another issue altogether.
Squier2Knight
Regestered Abuser
Join date: Jan 2009
379 IQ
#8
I sure hope this doesn't sound sexist, because I'm not at all. But my band consists of two females and myself, a male. From experience, there is certainly a different type of dynamic to handle with a woman's emotional climate and other 'girl' problems. Of course this isn't lumping all the ladies in one blanket group, but no one can deny that men and women function differently. There are a lot of stresses in band situations that women handle differently than men.

My drummer has had many outbursts due to difficulty learning songs, and these have even led to fights simply because my 'man' instinct was to go one way, and the 'girl' point of view was different (I say 'girl' point of view because both of the women said it was a 'girl thing' that I didn't get).

So while I think female musicians are awesome, and everyone loves a badass lady, just be aware that it will be different. But that just might work out to be a cool dynamic for your group!
Hellharicot
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2012
32 IQ
#9
I really think this situation is just about maturity. For some reason it seems only to depends on the kind of relationship you guys want to have with each other in the band; and that relationship should be a musician relationship. Being bandmates is a kind of friendship but well, you do not sleep with all your friends do you? Plus, when you do, it changes the type of the relationship and in a band, haha, no one wants that.
If I were you, I would just have a talk with the band, both males and female, and prevent any relationship change. Weird promises like 'none of the males sleep with her' is pointless because we all know that when a person is attracted to another person, even if they did not have sex, it goes bad!

Women in music are great. Generally speaking, they are more mature and modest, and I think this is just the type of behaviour people should have in a band! Plus, they add this lovely softness to the look - and the sound sometimes - of the band... <3
The only problem is that, well, as it was said over and over in this topic, people tend not to make the difference between a professional relationship and a friend/love/whatever relationship...
minieme007
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Join date: Jul 2009
587 IQ
#10
My band has a female drummer, an attractive one at that. It's not a problem if you aren't immature sex hounds.
Tw1tch001
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2009
18 IQ
#11
It's hard being a female muscician due to TS question and concerns. I used to be in a band where all the guys were single and I weren't. The drummer kept making small advances which later caused me to leave the band (that wasn't the primary reason, but it was a close 2nd). It all depends on the maturity of all the band members. My current band consists of 2 guys and 2 girls and it's going great because we treat each other as professionals. We don't even consider ourselves a "mixed" band.

It all comes down to maturity.
Mark1433
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2011
253 IQ
#12
If the main purpose is enjoy yourself doing music I don' see the point, if everybody has a little of brain. In my band the lead singer is a female and I had your same problem at the beginning but I never had problem. I find that without her we wouldn't be the band we're actually are, she's like our mother, she keeps everybody together in difficult situation. To sum up It can come out more useful than you think.
Good luck for your band
Of_Wolves
Silver Satellite Eyes
Join date: Feb 2007
718 IQ
#13
I've mostly been in mixed bands in my life, and kind of prefer it actually (we got more done for one. the bands without women in fell apart almost instantly... who knows).

Of course the reason I'm not still in any of these bands (from before university) is because we were all immature, egotistical teenagers, all of whom had different ideas about what we should be doing, some of us even dropped out on account of not having blah blah blah... it never mattered what the excuse was imo. We were in it to be in a band, NOT to make music. Simple.

Well.. I was in it to make music..

But lets be mature and honest guys.

Having a girl in a band with a few guys is nothing important (unless you're a bunch of horn-dogs. Different matter altogether...) The dynamic could be different, sure, but no different than if you had an egotistical lead guitarist or a drummer who can't keep time. Her being female has nothing to do with it.
Last edited by Of_Wolves at Jan 3, 2013,
will42
UG's bassoon-master
Join date: Aug 2010
1,093 IQ
#14
My last band had a girl singer. It was fine, we had no problems. Nobody hit on anybody and the band dynamic was fine. Just treat her like a person.
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getmad24_7
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2009
1,302 IQ
#16
The bassist in my band is a girl. We haven't had any trouble. It's never caused any concern, even. It's only a problem if you make it one, I think. Just don't be stupid and hit on her or something.

Quote by Usernames sucks
Firt of all, i have nothing against females, and im all for 100% equal treatment, but something that would bother me, is that if a band has an attractive female, the girl gets the most attention from alot of fanboys because she is a "hot girl", something that takes alot of focus from the actual music. But if you picture a band consist of 5 girls and 1 guy females find attractive, and concider 95% of the bands fanbase is females, you can only guess who in the band is gonna get the most attention in a way that is totaly irrelevant to the music.

I'm sure there will be weirdos who do that. If it pulls in a fan, good on the band. Tons of bands draw attention for tons of non-musical reasons, like music videos, ridiculous live shows, etc. It's not going to be a raving horde of madmen screaming over all the songs like it's a Beatles show.
Last edited by getmad24_7 at Jan 3, 2013,
CryogenicHusk
wannabe guitarist
Join date: Apr 2012
1,005 IQ
#17
I've been in a band that had a female on vocal duty. We were a four piece and I know well how to keep to myself, the bass player, as much of a sleaze as he was, knew proper boundaries... it was our drummer who made out with her (I don't think they ever actually slept with each other. I could be wrong, but whatever, it's in the past) and it didn't turn out pretty for him, personally, because he lost his gf and a bunch of scenesters (not to be confused with scene kids) started holding a grudge against him. The band itself didn't really suffer, though. Just him personally. It was probably a learning experience for him.
UnbrokenGlass
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2009
1,647 IQ
#18
Why does this question keep coming up, and why do people who can't handle basic adult human interaction have bands? FFS.
ProphetToJables
Tight Tight Tight
Join date: Dec 2008
1,529 IQ
#19
What are you 12? There is no issue here. She probably doesn't want to **** any of you anyway. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she's going to get one of you hot and bothered and screw up your band. Grow the **** up.
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#20
Quote by ProphetToJables
What are you 12? There is no issue here. She probably doesn't want to **** any of you anyway. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she's going to get one of you hot and bothered and screw up your band. Grow the **** up.

Nailed it.
Si
AWACS
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Join date: Sep 2009
6,888 IQ
#21
Skill > gender

Tell EVERYONE in the band not to sleep with other band-mates and things should be peachy. If two of them do end up in a relationship, they should put the band first.

The Mermaid Theory ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=The%20Mermaid%20theory ) also applies.
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Haydenr25
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2011
818 IQ
#22
The bassist in my band is a very attractive female to myself and the guitarist/singer. By laying down rules of not sleeping with her you're just making it more likely to happen. Treat her as a musician, a bandmate, a human being. Problems only arise if you make them. If you were to bring up that you nobody should be sleeping with each other within the band, you're making a point of it happening.
voodooenglish
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2011
269 IQ
#23
First thing i say when i start a band or get a new member where one of the members is female is my golden rule and my only rule in band.

The rule is to not form a sexual relationship of any matter whether it be emotionally or physically.

It can only cause problems. of course some people in the band might fancy her or she might fancy someone in the band to which that point if i realise i tell them to move on or get out if they want a relationship.

so its up to them do they value the music and the band or do they want to have a relationship with the woman and if they choose the woman over the music then their clearly not cut out to be in a serious band

Thats how i handle the situation and its worked very well so far because any respectable musician would choose the music.
D..W..
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2012
21 IQ
#24
It just boils down to knowing your band. Do you know the guys? It should be fine, especially if you do, but the big thing is respect and maturity (for the GF too. Having a chick in a band is like having business partner that's a woman, although a little bit more personal. If it's what you really want, she needs to respect it. Or you can bend over backwards and change all your plans for her when she gets jealous, BUT that's up to you and I'm sure you'll work it out in time, however it goes down). Guys will be guys, but for the most part it's not wrong to assume some basic decency. If they sleep with her there's not much you can do, that could happen pretty much with any band. But the main problem would just be respect. If they act like they want to bang her all the time, that's not going to go well. And if they're new members like she is, you don't have to keep jamming with whichever particular person.
Xmaniac
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2011
107 IQ
#25
hey man im in a band with two of them (one is a guitarist the other is the drummer) and i have to say we just get along just fine (no sex and stuff like that) we got together just beacause we wanted to make music that"s all
OSORLeads
Registered User
Join date: Aug 2012
77 IQ
#26
Seems to work well for All That Remains...
"Betrayal is a bitch, but so is Karma, and your time is coming."
axemanchris
Awwww.... NOW what?!
Join date: Aug 2006
2,471 IQ
#27
Let's look at it this way:

People are in bands either for social reasons (hang out with some buddies and crank out some tunes and grow together as friends... the same way some guys do the Monday Night Football thing), or for professional/musical reasons (get out, make some money, enjoy playing an instrument with people you enjoy playing with, hopefully).

If the band is a social club, then having a woman in the band *might* be a problem. Imagine three guys and a woman getting together for Monday Night Football nights. Lots of socializing, a bit of alcohol, some closely-developed camaraderie, a bit of indiscretion, and who knows what might happen - even if she isn't all that hot.

If the band is there to get work done, then it *shouldn't* be a problem. Imagine three guys and a woman working together in the same accounts department on the same floor of a company, sharing an open office space. Yeah, sure, some people get involved with people they work with, but most don't. Most people can keep it professional. Would your gf be jealous if you worked at that accounts department, and the company hired the woman? She wouldn't really be, "Why are you going to work? Is that woman going to be there? There better not be anything going on between you two!" Would she?

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food1010
Bassist
Join date: Jun 2007
1,660 IQ
#28
Quote by AWACS
Tell EVERYONE in the band not to sleep with other band-mates and things should be peachy.
This shouldn't be something that needs to be said. If this is something that would be an issue before you lay down that rule, then it's probably still going to be an issue after you lay down that rule.

My suggestion is to only make it an issue if it starts to become an issue (i.e. if bandmates are getting distracted, or if there's tension).

It's been said already, but just treat the band as a professional entity and you won't have any issues.

Wow, I just used the word "issue" way too many times.
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Last edited by food1010 at Feb 18, 2013,
Mister A.J.
Ker-Blang-a-Woggle
Join date: May 2011
318 IQ
#29
Way I see it, the band comes first. Sure, Sammy the Bassist and Sally the Singer can hook up, I'm all for that. However, when it becomes an interference to the band dynamic as a whole (IE: Making out during recording sessions), then they better fix their shit, or they're out.

As a side note; do NOT bring your girlfriend to a writing/recording session, and completely ignore everything going on. A singer I had the displeasure of working with did this, and it bugged the shit out of me. So much so in fact, I left before I could be bothered with kicking him out.
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koslack
Registered User
Join date: Aug 2008
624 IQ
#30
Amazing how much misogyny there is in this thread. As if the girl doesn't have enough agency to decide who she's going to sleep with. Obviously it's going to be somebody, right? Lord knows women don't know enough to be professional or anything.
That was sarcasm.

Treat her like any other band member, and she'll be like any other band member. Would you not take a gay player because you'd be worried he was going to **** one of your other band members?
If you answer was "yes," you have problems. If your answer was "gay people scare me," you have even bigger problems. And if you can't imagine a girl not ****ing either you or one of your bandmates, then I suggest intense therapy.

This goes for every person here, not just the guy who posted this thread.
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yanina figueroa
Registered User
Join date: Aug 2012
10 IQ
#31
Be real with yourself dude. music is very intimate and youre playing with fire. Im a female musician that is always running into this problem. Yes be professional but be real. Whats more important some hot girl in your band or your girl? why did u hire this girl bass player to begin with?
JustRooster
Internet Bully
Join date: Jan 2005
7,166 IQ
#32
Can she play/sing? That's all that matters. Just don't screw her and things will be fine.

Bands in my area with a female member almost always seem to have more fans, too.

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kilbie
Super Noob
Join date: Oct 2006
1,118 IQ
#33
What makes you think the girl bass player will find any of you to be attractive? Chances are she just wants to play music, not find a new boyfriend.

The dynamic of the band will probably be a little different with a girl in your band, but that might be a good thing musically. Rather than using rehearsal time to hang out with your band buddies, you might all behave more professionally and take the music more seriously, unless the she's a girl that acts like one of the boys, in which case things will be no different. Also, most girls tend to be less egotistical and more willing to negotiate than male band members, so you might find that there are fewer stupid arguments over which song to play.
andersstruve
UG 's Degenerate Army
Join date: Jun 2012
301 IQ
#34
The smashing Pumpkins had three different female bassists, and well I won't go into what happened in the split, but Billy described D'Arcy as the "moral conscience" of the group. It seems they had the effect of providing a sense of maturity and reality that so many young men (especially in bands) forget.
manualex
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2012
180 IQ
#35
Quote by andersstruve
The smashing Pumpkins had three different female bassists, and well I won't go into what happened in the split, but Billy described D'Arcy as the "moral conscience" of the group. It seems they had the effect of providing a sense of maturity and reality that so many young men (especially in bands) forget.


And then she broke up with Iha and when Chamberlain came back clean she was the trainwreck of the band, and kicked out as well.
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kumamilesbear
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Join date: Feb 2007
873 IQ
#36
I was in a band for about 3 years with a girl as our lead singer. Sure she was good looking (can't make a judgement call on 'attractive' or not, I'm gay and just don't care) but she was our singer because she had damn good pipes, not because of her looks. Nobody tried to sleep with her, and we were all really good friends, just making music and having fun. We added a rhythm guitarist who WAS hitting on her, which combined with school work caused her to leave the band, but until then everything was great.
Moral of the story: having a woman as a bandmate doesn't cause any problems by virtue of being a woman. If she's a shitty human being then you do have a problem, but that has no relation to her gender.
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#37
Why do people keep bumping this thread? Has it not been established that there is no problem with having a female bandmate?

Let it die.
crice6505
Cody
Join date: Dec 2010
442 IQ
#38
Quote by bangoodcharlote
I hate this thread.


Yup.
Relationship advice.
Bands are professional.

If you are the kinda guy who would have serious troubles not sleeping with all of your attractive coworkers, then greater problems are at hand.

If you're girlfriend would be jealous about you performing with a woman, than you really need to reevaluate that whole situation.

If this bassist really is the shit, can you afford NOT to keep her?
- Cody


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pushkar000
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2010
343 IQ
#39
I was in a band with a female guitar player/vocalist who was a model(yeah, different level here).
The other 3 of us were all guys, and never for a second did anyone have the slightest issue, we didn't just rehearse together, we chilled out and became real tight friends, but it remained that way was because we were initially all in it for the music,and we continued to keep the band first.

Be professional, don't look at females like objects. If your female bassist is bangin' and your drummer is a sleazeball, worrying is fine, its natural that you may be worried about possible tensions. But all you gotta do is just remind everyone to keep their eyes on the prize. ITs not only the mens side too, the lady might not be interested.
Last edited by pushkar000 at Apr 11, 2013,
flexiblemile
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2012
2,180 IQ
#40
I think the problem with having a girl in the band is that it makes good business sense to doll her up and parade her in front of the camera. So sex is definitly going to be an issue. After that, if feelings start developping with other band members, there is very little that a strict set of rules can do to change how your cocks/pussy feels.

The best things to do, I think are:

-Doll up your girl member as much as possible
-Do a big effort not to be macho/asshole because of the presence of said girl in jams/practices etc.
-Make a big effort to not let Physical needs/drunkenness get the better of your long term commitments
-Deal with romantic issues in a mature fashion


I've been in a band that was ruined by sexual tension and I'm now in a quasi successful band with my wife. So it can go both ways (yes, like a bisexual)

Proof that sexual tension in a band can still lead to success: NO DOUBT

EDIT: Also post pics of guitarist/model plz!!!!