Born colored
In a world that
Segregates you
Jump for
Your country
Man in the service
Nothing's perfect
In England
So young
To Britain
War in Viet Nam
At home
They say
You're not Black
Who wants to hear
About that
They say
He's a freak
He speaks out
Against the war
But at last
You've got a place
All of your own now in
New York City
Rest in peace Jimi
You're up there
Watching down
Over us
On Earth at home in
Seattle now
They took you home
They took you home
Practice honesty. As a start, write only about what you know. I see a lot of these 'sociopathic' pieces that only apply certain emotions because that's what they believe they should have instead of what they do have--and it shows, clear as day. You're not acting, or writing from a character's perspective, it's you on the page, and if you're not really there then I'm not going to be either. Find something that propels you about Jimi Hendrix, not just a sad piece about his death (how many of those do you think I'll find on blogs with a Google search, if not something written by someone who knew him and had been writing for years?).

That's just one reason why this didn't work for me. Keep working on it, man.
Well this is more
A young man who seemed to change the world culturally, like Van Gogh, but being blinded by life, he was stuck writing it and living it and, even though it was his trip, his whole life must have been a hard working uphill struggle, and for a man who served his country, to be so poetic and whatever, is just cool too.