Toxification
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
122 IQ
#1
I'm looking for advice on my lyrics. I'm only 14, so don't expect them to be MJK's standard, but I think they're pretty good. Good enough for my teachers to accuse me of plagiarizing at least lol. These are for rock/metal;

EDIT:
I've noticed some more problems with the said example and decided to scrap it. Please criticize the writing on post 4.
Last edited by Toxification at Jan 12, 2013,
Dwarffi
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2012
129 IQ
#2
Just make them be growled so unclearly that it doesn't matter what the words are.

Jk, they're pretty good. I prefer lyrics with trolls and mead, though.
Toxification
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
122 IQ
#3
Quote by Dwarffi
Just make them be growled so unclearly that it doesn't matter what the words are.

Jk, they're pretty good. I prefer lyrics with trolls and mead, though.


I'll get right on it!
Toxification
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
122 IQ
#4
The choice that sealed your fate,
The decision that marked your date.
His thirst you cannot sate
His arrival you cannot delay

There's dread behind and doom ahead,
Death's hunger you cannot feed,
His calls you can't ignore,
His summoning you must heed

No turning back, no place to hide
No one to hear your cries,
Nobody to buy your lies,
The end is nigh, your future has died
The light of hope has dimmed,
His evil glare
His stabbing stare
His maniacal, heralding grin,
As he reminds you of your debt
To pay for your sins,
Karma wipes cleans it's knife
Cherishing it's long-awaited revenge.


I'd like to dedicate this to Adam Lanza and James Holmes. Rot in hell, you bastards!
Slightly random, but it contributes to a pretty doommetalishy atmosphere.
Last edited by Toxification at Jan 12, 2013,
Toxification
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
122 IQ
#5
Looking back I've just noticed that it's on quite a hackneyed topic, which makes it a bit monotonous. I'll try to write about a bit more interesting things soon, they were just to show you my writing style^
Panasonic3
UG Newbie
Join date: Dec 2005
748 IQ
#6
Quote by Toxification


EDIT


The choice that sealed your fate,
The decision that marked your date.
His thirst you cannot sate
His arrival you cannot delay

Dread behind and doom ahead, (no need for There's)
Death's hunger you cannot feed,
His calls you can't ignore,
His summoning you must heed

No turning back, no place to hide
No one to hear your cries,
Nobody to buy your lies, (no one/nobody: picking one will even out rhythm/flow)
The end is nigh, your future has died
The light of hope has dimmed,
His evil glare
His stabbing stare
His maniacal, heralding grin,
As he reminds you of your debt (reminds: is there a cooler word?)
To pay for your sins, (these two lines could be cooler, better delivered)
Karma wipes cleans it's knife (awesome closing line)
Cherishing it's long-awaited revenge. (no need for its) (typo it's = it is)


I'd like to dedicate this to Adam Lanza and James Holmes. Rot in hell, you bastards! (dont curse your friends, even sarcastically!!! :P lol whatever)
Slightly random, but it contributes to a pretty doommetalishy atmosphere.


i like your lyrics
"Hey kid. You wanna cigarette?"


"No thanks! I/m already hooked on Fonicks!"

Panasonic3
UG Newbie
Join date: Dec 2005
748 IQ
#7
yes obviously the topic of humanized death and bitch karma has been overdone. perhaps this could be a nice realizer/chorus in a loong epic song

maybe its the main characters realization of his horrible life he's lived or something.

great start though yay!
"Hey kid. You wanna cigarette?"


"No thanks! I/m already hooked on Fonicks!"