bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#1
Hi, I'm new here! Not sure if this is the correct sub forum, but it seems so...

For the first time in history, I have wrote myself some lyrics to a song I've made. The melody and chords are all set, but I find it hard to match the melody to the lyrics. Anyways, first off I need some critics for the actual lyrics. Basically my question is, do they make any sense to you? I've wrote those lyrics from a real life scenario, and I'd like to sing this girl a song. A song I've made myself. So, how are the lyrics? Is there anything I should think of? Can you see what I'm trying to convey?


What do I do to make this right
You're the one who kept me bright

I feel alone without you
Can't sleep at night
Wondering 'bout the truth
That holds us two

We used to stay up late
To laugh at our mistakes

Despite the words I told you
Caught panic and fear
That you would leave me
A giant eye of tear

This ordinary life
The one I've never had
Like being used to things I've never done
You spotted me through this pace

Of anger and disgrace
You threw the words at me
Stepped away and said I've had
Enough of you and your sick games

[Breakdown]

Sweetie, I'm sorry for everything
That words can go all wrong
I can't believe that you're
Still here for me but I'll try

To find myself this time
This ordinary life
To step up me and pray
That I miss you so, it's in your name


I actually find the line "This ordinary life" a bit weird. I don't really know what to replace it with as of yet. But just so you have that in mind.


Thanks in advance!
// bladefinor
Last edited by bladefinor at Jan 15, 2013,
Shredworthy
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Join date: Aug 2008
32 IQ
#2
I really like your rhyming scheme, keep up the good work.
I would only maybe change the weird wording of some places, but hey, that's what makes it special and unique sometimes!

Hope this helps,
Brendan
z4twenny
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Join date: Nov 2005
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#4
Breakup lyrics - did not like. Imo when you write stuff like that you really gotta make the reader feel your misery. I read it and it sounds like "oh hey we dated for awhile and it kinda sucks that you're not around but meh, whatevs"
/2cents
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#5
Quote by Shredworthy
I really like your rhyming scheme, keep up the good work.
I would only maybe change the weird wording of some places, but hey, that's what makes it special and unique sometimes!

Hope this helps,
Brendan

Thanks! But yeah, I know there are some weird lines. I'm just not sure how to get it right... I'll update the lyrics and let you guys know!


Quote by rockingamer2
Go here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=7

Be sure to read the sticky and get to know the rules.

How did I not see that section... I must be really blind. Sorry! But thanks for the notice!


Quote by z4twenny
Breakup lyrics - did not like. Imo when you write stuff like that you really gotta make the reader feel your misery. I read it and it sounds like "oh hey we dated for awhile and it kinda sucks that you're not around but meh, whatevs"
/2cents

Thanks for the critics. Really appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the lyrics? You seem to understand my message, but you see more flaws than me. Which is what I'm looking for. I need someone else to help me before I get this on video.
ChemicalFire
King of Bacon Pancakes
Join date: Oct 2007
5,773 IQ
#7
Quote by bladefinor

Thanks for the critics. Really appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the lyrics? You seem to understand my message, but you see more flaws than me. Which is what I'm looking for. I need someone else to help me before I get this on video.



Make people feel what you feel, do it artistically.

All you're pretty much doing is saying "I'm sad n' crap".

Gotta ask yourself, why would anyone else care?
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
bladefinor
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#8
Quote by ChemicalFire
Make people feel what you feel, do it artistically.

All you're pretty much doing is saying "I'm sad n' crap".

Gotta ask yourself, why would anyone else care?

Thing is, I'm apologizing her with a song basically. I kind of have to say that I've been stupid in some way. Maybe not this way though. I'll make up some new verses.

Was there a particular line you were referring to, that I should focus on?
ChemicalFire
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Join date: Oct 2007
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#9
All of it. Remember than anything that can be said can be said better. You just gotta keep pushing yourself till you reach your limits as a creative force.

Plus it'd be super fuqing cringey to sing that to her.

If you're doing it to try and fix a break up my advice would be... forget it, honestly. She knows your sad and she's knows your gonna be sorry.

She knows all these things, just restating them to her isn't gonna really change anything. Unless you didn't something really dickish, in which case you should of apologised already.

So what am I saying... I guess focus on the song, not that your trying to make a point of saying your sorry or getting back with. You can still do that... but you gotta do it right and not be cliché about it; not everything is made better by putting it to music.

It's gotta be about the muuuusic maaayng.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at Jan 16, 2013,
RedMist
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#10
I say keep at it, and don't worry too much about what people think. The expression is more important than the words IMHO.
ChemicalFire
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#11
Quote by RedMist
I say keep at it, and don't worry too much about what people think. The expression is more important than the words IMHO.


True to an extent. But everyone has heard the "you broke ma <3" a million times before.

If you want your lyric writing to be more of an art and less of a space filler (as these lyrics would honestly be at this stage) then you gotta get a bit clever.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
bladefinor
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#12
Alright, thanks for the input ChemicalFire!

How about using metafors instead of actual words? In that way, I'm not writing the song to her specifically, but you can just "relate" the song to her. Hence I'd sing it. Right?
ChemicalFire
King of Bacon Pancakes
Join date: Oct 2007
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#13
That's definitely the gist of it.

Take this song, for example, written by a regular over at the hardcore forum:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxNN2qXWmGg

Quote by blake1221
In the dying light of Sunday's best wishes,
Between the golden glow and the way you addressed me,
I found a reason to speak.

"There's only so much you can do.
Your back is bending from the weight on your shoulders.
You've carried this world, dragged your feet in the sand,
Held every moment in the palms of your aching hands."
We'll sit and we'll talk while the flame slowly smolders.
"I wish I had been stronger for you."
The Sun succumbed to the hem of this aging Earth,
You caught my eye, so I stopped and I turned,
And watched you fade away.

Carry the light to your grave
So our souls know which path to take.

"You can't save me, let's be honest."

"There is life on the clouds.
I await your arrival there someday."


Now I'm pretty sure it's about a girl... but it might not be. But it doesn't matter cuz it's so damn beautiful. You dig? It's artistic, it's pretty, but it still contains the "message" he wanted to bring across.

In the end just saying "Sorry I don't mean it I love you really" is boring. BOOOOORING. So say it, without saying it. I'm not gonna pretend it's easy, but if it was everyone would be doing it.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at Jan 17, 2013,
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#14
That's a nice one! And yeah, I know what you're saying. I'll start rewriting right away. I'll see when I can post it up again! Thanks for your help man
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#15
First verse:

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me


How about that?
ChemicalFire
King of Bacon Pancakes
Join date: Oct 2007
5,773 IQ
#16
It's a definite improvement. Much much better.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at Jan 17, 2013,
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#17
Quote by ChemicalFire
It's a definite improvement. Much much better.

Alright, cool! Now I'm back on track. I'll see what I can do with the rest of it. Thanks!
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#18
A bit worried by my choice of words in the chorus (last paragraph):

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me

Nights are pounding
Through my eyes
The signs I make
They scream to embrace

[Chorus]
Your height of hope, it makes me bright
To wipe my anguished life
The way you've seen me fall
I beg to be the one
That you can trust
The flare from you
Will fade away
When it's too late


Any ideas?
Last edited by bladefinor at Jan 19, 2013,
ChemicalFire
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Join date: Oct 2007
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#19
It sounds clunky and doesn't really seem to... mean anything? (not that it has too)
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#20
Quote by ChemicalFire
It sounds clunky and doesn't really seem to... mean anything? (not that it has too)

Okay, let me work on it. You referred to the chorus, right? How about the second verse?
Last edited by bladefinor at Jan 19, 2013,
ChemicalFire
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Join date: Oct 2007
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#21
Everything seems fine in the second verse till the last line
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#22
Quote by ChemicalFire
Everything seems fine in the second verse till the last line

Fine as in "hmm... I understand what it means", or that it's just as good as the first verse? Sorry, not trying to be rude. I just need to know
ChemicalFire
King of Bacon Pancakes
Join date: Oct 2007
5,773 IQ
#23
Well the first verse kinda means something in an abstract way.

But "The sighs I make, they scream to embrace" doesn't really mean anything.

Scream to embrace what? The eyes? The night?

You have no subject in that sentence, which would be fine if the line wasn't a little bland and clunky.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#24
Quote by ChemicalFire
Well the first verse kinda means something in an abstract way.

But "The sighs I make, they scream to embrace" doesn't really mean anything.

Scream to embrace what? The eyes? The night?

You have no subject in that sentence, which would be fine if the line wasn't a little bland and clunky.

Actually it was meant to blend into the chorus. "...They scream to embrace YOUR height of hope...". Get it? Anyways, I've changed the chorus a bit. Better now?

Nights are pounding
Through my eyes
The signs I make
They scream to embrace

[Chorus]
Your smile of hope, it makes me bright
Like a shine to make our faith
Hold on together and forever
I prey that you feel the same

Oh God, please tell I'm sane
This bridge between us might
Fall apart unless we bring in
Our will to make this right
Last edited by bladefinor at Jan 19, 2013,
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#25
Alright. Bumpidy-bump!

Here's the full lyrics. Can you make any sense out of it?

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me

Nights are pounding
Through my dreams
The signs I make
They scream to embrace you

Hoping that you want to see
Our presence become true

[Chorus]
Your smile is strong, it makes me bright
Like a shine to make our faith
Hold on together and forever
I pray that you feel the same

Oh God, please tell me I'm sane
This bridge between us might
Fall apart unless we bring in
Our will to make this right

The days we spend together
A rainbow will pass by
Yeah, I see it with my naked eye
It's probably a sign that this is true

[Breakdown]

(Woah)
Your face, it makes me bright
So bright I can't stop smile
That you and me are here
To stay within our names

Of trust and hope, I bet
You want to feel the same
The past is gone, but I know
It is set in stone, but please stand by
Last edited by bladefinor at Jan 22, 2013,
bladefinor
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
111 IQ
#26
Really need someone's last input on this. Made some more changes:

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me

Nights are pounding
Through my dreams
The signs I make
They scream to embrace you

Hoping that you want to see
Me being around you

[Chorus]
Your smile is strong, it makes me bright
Like a shine to make our faith
Hold on together and forever
I pray that you feel the same

Oh God, please tell me I'm sane
This bridge between us might
Fall apart unless we bring in
Our will to make this right

[Breakdown]

The days we'll spend together
A rainbow will pass by
I could see it with my naked eyes
It's probably a sign that this is real

[Chorus 2]
Your face, it makes me bright
So bright it keeps me awake
That you and me are here
To stay within our names

Of trust and hope, I bet
You want to feel the same
The past is gone, but I know that,
Though it's set in stone, please stand by


Thanks in advance!
Last edited by bladefinor at Jan 25, 2013,
ChrisBG
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2008
209 IQ
#27
Just a couple of notes, OP.

I wouldn't be too concerned about people understanding it on a read through - at least in one sense. What you want to do is paint a picture and create images in peoples head. Generally if you do a good job of that, the songs message will get across, though it still may have many different meanings to different people around the same themes.

That said, this is a very clear song to me. This is just my personal preference, but in the future look out for ways you can create a moment or go back to a situation or one tiny thing that makes it special for you - and build something out of that. Your song is built from many sort of general phrases that can sort of blend together, all sort of saying the same thing. Your smile, being together, rainbow, you know, I'm not getting huge images here. I don't feel any insight or an experience.

When you mention anything like a rainbow or a smile or something you need significance and context. No lyric will ever be 'bad' or 'cheesy' if it means something special to you because it comes through in the writing - but you have to think of it in a deep analytical way. What did you learn from the experience? Who are you because of her, or who are you not, who were you trying to be, why, why not? Where were you? Any significant places or smells or touches, or anything? Now that's not to say that every song should be everlasting dripping metaphors of locations and senses, but it's just all part of the thinking process. The bigger picture. You may never put those type of images into your song, but it will come through.

Feel free to play around with tenses, half lines, tease lines, paint something strong. Don't put in placeholder lines that more or less go over the same territory. Every line is precious. Every syllable is important. Say what you mean to say but say it in a way that brings out something in you. The more you do this, the tougher on yourself you will be when it comes to writing words, but you will eventually reach a point where you instinctively go for the gems.

Finally, don't be afraid to bring in other experiences into your songs. Even if you're writing a song about a girl, or a breakup, don't feel like every little verse and line should be exactly about her. You can branch out to other things, other experiences, other insights that relate to the girl or the moment, or how you feel. If you can find clever ways to bring it all together, you will have a good song. Be crafty about it.

Keep in mind that using cliches and all that stuff is perfectly acceptable - it's not really about the cliche or general thing itself, it's what its painted around. If you use it as a sort of throw-off into a deeper explaination or as a tag, or a hook or something then it can work pretty well, but when every line sounds real same-y that's when you need to step back a bit.

Sometimes all of this will make your song a painful experience to write, in terms of it really digging up some dirt. But that's good. If you're just sitting around writing in lyrics that sort of go with what you're feeling on a very ritualistic level, the song will have no weight, no real emotion. Sometimes writing a song is real hard work, real painful. Brings up all kinds of images that stay with you for a long time. Then you know you have a good song. Therapy in the arts, man.

All that said, this is just general stuff to think about in the future. Good luck with your songwriting.
Last edited by ChrisBG at Jan 25, 2013,