jaybearch
Registered User
Join date: Jan 2013
133 IQ
#2
I liked this a lot, mainly because of how much you fit thematically into 6 lines. I feel with the small word count, though, words like 'but' and 'because' detract from the poem more than they would in a longer piece. I get the purpose they serve, but it could give the poem more stopping power to remove them. It would take away from the flow you've established, however, so it's simply something to consider. I would, at the very least, take a look at the 'because' in the fifth line, because I do think here is something to be gained from removing it. I do enjoy this piece as well as the story you are trying to tell, though, so nice job
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#3
This is my life now...T.T you hit it right on the head man.
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