seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,166 IQ
#1


I periscope down and join the backup ammo.
Lined up with the Reserve, I cough in dry manner
as if a sound lost in the multitude proves that I exist
among statues who stand stalled,
displayed in standard fashion. My beard roots to the walls
until I can’t distinguish breath from fabric;
until I create timbres to each object on the room.
Even upbeat trills grow to cries for help;
each note letting go feelings we have swallowed
like forcefed cattle biding
and biding
and biding to puke
because having nothing inside
is better than spoonfuls of solitude.
And then you show up to pick up the spoils
of what was once a person
whose exhales were more than mere sighs,
returning brightness to a sight
lifeless from hearing the same
constant, languid heartbeat.
So I periscope up until
the haematomas on my knees heal
and my skin blushes with sunlight.
Time’s tides tick in soft currents
that carry my gentle revival to shore.
When I lay my head on your sandy belly,
my cheeks don’t itch because somehow
we merged in the urge of saving each other,
for once we were statues standing stalled
and now we’re companions most of all.
Dregen
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Join date: Dec 2007
2,365 IQ
#2
this was really well written, i think it really goes deeply into the ways that a soldier must cope and find "peace" during conflict through holding in and depriving himself of feeling. it contrasts well with the end, where after having to contain all of that fear and negative emotion inside he can finally let it go, heal, and truly enjoy the beauty of peace in his life.

i'm not sure if i got the first line. i think the way you used "periscope down" meant that he was in feeling dread of going to war. am i at least in the ballpark? i know you reused the line except changed it to "up" instead, but if i'm getting the first line right then i know what it means.

also, if you could give me a crit, i'd really appreciate it. it nowhere near as good as yours is though: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=30941053#post30941053