Registered User
Join date: Jan 2012
175 IQ
Completely unedited. I'm posting it for critiques on the general feel of it, and also for advice on where to improve and how to change this. It is wholly unfinished.

I would really love and appreciate some creative input on this piece.

(La Brea = a tarpit in California.)
(Projectile disjunction = the seperation of a projectile from it's shootie bit.)
(Consumption as in the old name for TB.)

ink like bullets and a pen like a gun
a duet something like a projectile disjunction
with a physique carved from stones as hard
as early on-set erectile disfunction
accompanied by lungs held under ribs
that're doubley as bloody as twin leeches
in the death-throes of consumption
coughing up La Brea along with
my original presumptions
like it was going out of style
wild-eyed and terrified by the idea
that a life full of forward movement
and a few years spent grasping at transcendence
could bear fruit so similar to nothingness
as quickly as it takes a crackhead to settle
on a more literal projectile disjunction
deciding to point a cut of metal at my chest
and end this

I've been dreaming of being stabbed every night for two weeks.
Last edited by JimiJamesThe2nd at Jan 30, 2013,