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#1
I love stories like these, and swapping them. I have a bit of a roundabout way of telling them, but I'd love to hear any of your guy's


I'm a college student, and I have a new roommate this semester. We get along pretty well. But last night he comes back to the dorm at like 3 am with a girl and I basically have to get out. I'd be cool with this, but there was no warning - people I'd call to see if I can stay with them were asleep. But being the relaxed person I am, I grab my key and wallet and leave. I basically hanging around our floor lobby til 5 am (most people had left by 4, but my room was audibly still occupied.), and decide in my very tired and mildly drunk state that dammit, I'm sleeping in my own bed. Would this be potentially awkward? Yes. Was it a risk I was willing to take? Absolutely.

With the nimble stealth of a church mouse I unlocked and entered my room. I found one of it's co-inhabitants asleep with his catch of the night, and I made sure to keep it that way. I then enacted my plan. Quickly and silently changing into sleepingwear, I made my way into my bed, lie on my stomach, and covered myself entirely. I had reasoned that they would awake before myself, but not notice me under the bulky blanket. They would leave the room and I could easily get up and say I had arrived when they weren't in. Genius. I placed two jackets on my covered mass to further sell this.

Upon awakening, two things occurred to me:
1. They were still asleep
2. This was unequivocally one of the worst ideas I've ever had

I spent the next hour or so trying to think of how to escape this hole I had managed to gracefully dig myself into. Ideas including having a friend call my roommate under the guise of a wrong number to wake them up, but that like many others would rely on them not noticing the obvious human being in the bed adjacent to them, the one they would have to pass to leave the strategic battleground that I had come to perceive the room as. Around 2, I decided to enact the best chance I had.

I rolled out of bed and lowered myself onto the ground mission-impossible style. I grabbed the pants and jacket I was wearing the previous night and proceeded to suit up while lying on the ground, applying the hood to hide my bedhead. I then grabbed my key from my desk and held it in my hand. With immaculate silence, I opened the door slightly, then closed it, allowing the mechanism to click shut upon contact, sealing me in the room with whatever fate I had made for myself.

I turned around with a look that said "Oh shit, hope I didn't wake them" knowing fully well I had awoken them. The goal was for them to have their slumber disturbed by the "return"of the sexiled roommate I became the previous night. I saw my roommate's eyes open, knowing the next words out of his mouth could define the remainder of our semester in a living space.

"sup dude"

"nothing much, just gonna grab a quick shower"

"cool"

he went back to sleep, and I felt pure accomplishment mixed with relief. The fact that this progression of events ended in the way it did makes me feel nothing but pride.

I feel as if I am the Napoleon of being sexiled.



tl;dr

my roommate kicked me out to **** a chick, I snuck back in drunk thinking they'd never notice me and managed to not get noticed. Anyone got any personal stories like these?
#4
Once upon a time I fingered a cousin why she was sleeping. It was kinda sexy, ya know.
Quote by ChemicalFire
You get my first ever lolstack






The image in my head is just too funny for words at this point


Aw yeah.
#5
9/10 story would read again
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LET'S GO BUCKS
#6
Quote by angusfan16
I one time kicked this chick out and ****ed my roommate.



appreciate anyone who's put up with my overly wordy storytelling ways. Anyone got any more? I can think of at least two other occasions in this vein worth sharing but this isn't a blog, after all
#8
Good story. And I feel like what you did was fair, especially if they were asleep. I've heard a lot of stories of people being in the room while their roommates are doing it, so at least you got to avoid the awkwardness of that. I feel like your roommate should only expect like half an hour, and hour at most. Kicking you out of the room for the night isn't fair unless you have prior warning.

I would tell a story, but the closest thing I have is having to go pee out in the bushes by our pool because my room mate was in the shower. Not very interesting.
Quote by Trowzaa
what specs is your pc? like how much ram?


Quote by Hydra150
[IMG]http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/three-rams-steve-mckinzie.jpg[/IMG]


Quote by eGraham
3 ram, nice

Last edited by Danjo's Guitar at Feb 3, 2013,
#10
that time I lost my virginity by convincing her that I was well trained in the ways of the sex

she realised afterwards that I'd lied and that it was actually my first time

but

doesnt matter

had sex
Quote by slash11896
I picked up my guitar this morning and started playing next thing i know i cant stop playing In the key of A, the first letter or her name, I ended up recording a whole song in A.


Quote by WhiskeyFace
I like women with balls.
#11
good story, but if my roommate expected me to leave my own room so he could **** in my own bed i would invite him to **** himself
Quote by yellowfrizbee
What does a girl have to do to get it in the butt thats all I ever wanted from you. Why, Ace? Why? I clean my asshole every night hoping and wishing and it never happens.
Bitches be Crazy.

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#12
I banged my girlfriend at her friend's new year's party. The inviter's boyfriend was passed out in the room and we eventually moved into the bathroom. When we finished, we walked out and most people at the party noticed. We were explicitly told not to have sex and we just said we didn't.
It would have been awkward if I wasn't drunk.
#14
Quote by whywefight
that was an entertaining story.

it was
Quote by korinaflyingv
On the come up we were listening to Grateful Dead and the music started passing through my bowel and out my arsehole as this violet stream of light. I shat music. It was beautiful.
#17
At my birthday party last year I was pretty smashed and I started making out with my pong partner. We moved to the recliner in the living room and I got to second base in front of everyone there and after playing one more game of pong, we went back to her dorm. She sat me on her bed and told me she'd be right back. I thought, "Cool I'm gonna get some action, I better sober up a bit" and went to get a drink and use the bathroom. After repeating this a few more times and maybe passing out on her bed, I realize that an hour has passed. I get up and head off to the bathroom one more time and I step in a puddle and hear water running. I'm fairly certain she passed out in the shower but I got her RA and waited a little while before leaving.

I felt horrible. I thought she died and I took responsibility for getting her home. After distracting myself with hanging out with my family who came down to visit, I texted her around 7:30. To my dismay, her number read something along the lines of "(*:" but I could have sworn I got her number. I checked the contact again and the number was in the email field. I texted her, and, lo and behold, I got a reply. I guess she blacked out and doesn't remember any of it, including who I was. Everythingwentbetterthanexpected.jpg

Oh and since I had her number, it synced to my snapchat which was awkward when I sent out a mass snapchat on new years of a picture of me with an empty winecooler box on my head as a mask.
Quote by element4433
Be subtle with it. Don't like molest him.

And cup his balls.


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If there's anything to take away from this thread, anything at all, it's to always cup the balls.
#18
Quote by metaldud536
Wow. Talk about being a doormat. Who gets kicked out of their room so that his roommate can bang a chick? And without warning?

Grow some balls TS.

No offense to TS, but that's what I was thinking. In fact, one time my roommate and her girl were getting it on, and I just flat out walked in for the book I wanted. Luckily, they weren't fucking, but my roommate was a dick. So, I had zero qualms about interrupting him.
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Feb 3, 2013,
#20
Quote by crazysam23_Atax
my roommate and her girl


Typo? Or is your roommate a shape shifter?

Quote by conor-figgy
Roommates, literally? D'as shit.


Yeah, thats how it is in 'merican dorms. I'm in a room like that this year. Next year I'm moving into an apartment style one though.
Quote by Trowzaa
what specs is your pc? like how much ram?


Quote by Hydra150
[IMG]http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/three-rams-steve-mckinzie.jpg[/IMG]


Quote by eGraham
3 ram, nice

Last edited by Danjo's Guitar at Feb 3, 2013,
#21
So... you let your roommate use your bed to shag someone in? Hell no, if I ever had a roommate they would have to learn to use their own bed for that very fast because I definitely wouldn't be prepared to sit outside my room for a few hours, and then pull the kind of stealthy shenanigans you pulled. In fact, I'd probably walk in and tell them if they didn't move to their room, I was about to go an take a shit on his pillows because my room was out of access to me, and this is what I do in my room.
Hey, look. Sigs are back.
#22
Quote by Acϵ♠
good story, but if my roommate expected me to leave my own room so he could **** in my own bed i would invite him to **** himself

Quote by DisarmGoliath
So... you let your roommate use your bed to shag someone in?

No, dudes. One room. Two beds. That's how most American dorms work. And yes, it's incredibly awkward and stupid.
My band, Escher
My progressive rock project, Mosaic

Quote by Lappo
clearly, the goal is to convert every thread into a discussion about BTBAM

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#23
Quote by GodofCheesecake
No, dudes. One room. Two beds. That's how most American dorms work. And yes, it's incredibly awkward and stupid.


Its fine really as long as you aren't shagging anyone.
Quote by Trowzaa
what specs is your pc? like how much ram?


Quote by Hydra150
[IMG]http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/three-rams-steve-mckinzie.jpg[/IMG]


Quote by eGraham
3 ram, nice

#24
Quote by GodofCheesecake
No, dudes. One room. Two beds. That's how most American dorms work. And yes, it's incredibly awkward and stupid.

Ah ok. Yeah, I agree that that would be 'incredibly awkward and stupid'
Hey, look. Sigs are back.
#25
Really nice read. To bad we are mortal, get sent to jail and stuff like that, because a person like that deserves to die. Props for handling it as calmly as you did TS.
#27
I have a story like this. It's where my user-title came from..




#28
Quote by OneHappyCamper
Are you serious, you pathetic f*ck?! Like, really?!?!

Someone you "get along with pretty well" (read the op) deserves to die just because you had to inconvenience yourself a bit to make them able to score?

Yeah... I mean apart from the obvious flaming here, and ignoring the fact that the guy you're quoting is most likely exaggerating his point heavily, do you lay such importance on getting laid that you are willing to inconvenience yourself for several hours just to enable an accomplice to 'get some'? I mean, I wouldn't stop someone getting some given the way I now understand the situation, but I think you're overreacting to his comment completely.

Edit: And be grateful I'm a (relatively) friendly mod; we're technically supposed to warn if you randomly decide to flame someone in such a way
Hey, look. Sigs are back.
#30
^ I'm fairly certain he's exaggerating for (intended) comedic effect. If not, then yeah it's a pretty terrible thing for him to say, but I highly doubt anybody would want somebody else to die over what TS described. Sometimes it's hard to guess the right intention of somebody's words in text form.
Hey, look. Sigs are back.
#32
There was one time my girlfriend and I were having sex and her roommate (who doesn't ever knock) decided to unlock the door and barge in.

I'm pretty sure I pulled out, got beside my girlfriend and covered both of us up in under a second.

And her roommate? Completely clueless.
#33
I wish I could move out for school... Too bad I can't afford it..
Call me Chris
Quote by jimihendrix6699
had a blast until the person in front of me whipped out his dick and started pissing all over the floor..

Ducks and guitars or fish and guitars. I lead a simple existence
#34
Quote by Somekid94
There was one time my girlfriend and I were having sex and her roommate (who doesn't ever knock) decided to unlock the door and barge in.

I'm pretty sure I pulled out, got beside my girlfriend and covered both of us up in under a second.

And her roommate? Completely clueless.


I would of carried on. In fact, I have.
#35
Quote by Danjo's Guitar
Typo? Or is your roommate a shape shifter?

I meant his girl. My roommate probably wouldn't have minded being a shapeshifter though...

Quote by OneHappyCamper
But metaldud, calling him out to "get some balls", don't you think it's a very bro move to make another guy's night by enabling him to have the sex?

Thing is, 1) who cares what a "bro move" it is or isn't; 2) cockblocking another man isn't cool.
However, if he expects you to leave the room for more than an hour or two, that's just ridiculous. It's your fucking room too. If they want to have sex for longer than an hour or two (and two is pushing it), then they can go and have sex in her room. People don't have the right to kick you out for the night just because they "need" sex.
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Feb 3, 2013,
#36
That was a hilarious story

Me and my ex broke into a hotel and went to the 18th floor where the exercise stuff was. We proceeded to break in the Jacuzzi with a couple hours of romping. At some point around 2 AM we get caught by a security guard right after we get our underwear on.

Oh no... what am I gonna say? I don't wanna go to jail. Shiiiiiiiit.

"What are you doing up here?"

"Oh, are we not allowed? We're just staying for the night and wanted to swim after noticing the door was unlocked."

"I understand, sir. Let me escort you downstairs"

After that he just walked us downstairs and made some small talk. Thank god nothing more happened. Needless to say, I've never been back to that hotel
#37
It seems my testicles have come into question. I feel the need to defend them.


Let me be clear. Not my bed.

Never my bed.

His bed.

I mean look, I'm not trying to cockblock the guy. We get along well, I even said I wasn't in the best of places to make that decision. I was out til around 5 for my own reasons (practicing for piano class).

Plus, my girlfriend got a new roommate that not only hates me but goes to bed at 11 every day (weekends included) so it can't hurt for him to owe me one as far as using our room goes.


This was supposed to be fun sharing story time, not judge me time.
#38
Quote by OneHappyCamper
I'm sorry, something about the liberal use of the phrase "deserves to die" just ground my gears to a screeching halt right there.


Calm down bro, I mean... I have a milk bottle for my avatar, I can't possibly mean it , can I ?
#39
Quote by crazysam23_Atax
In fact, one time my roommate and her girl were getting it on


awright...
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
#40
Quote by Primus2112
awright...


More like "hawt".

I think the best thing I can contribute to this is the following story. And it's not very good.

I was on my way home from band practice. And the main highway that I have to take to get home has a speed limit of 55. But nobody follows it. Most people go 60-65. Now, this particular instance, I had just turned onto said highway, and was accelerating pretty quickly. I have a fast car, so before I know it, I'm already going almost 70. And wouldn't you know it? At that exact moment, I drive past a cop going in the opposite direction. Since he was driving in the opposite direction, I figured he probably didn't clock me going any sort of speed.
So I keep driving. About 2 miles down the road, I see the flashing lights in my rearview mirror. "Shit".
I pull over, and two officers get out of the car and ask for my license. I comply, and they inform me they clocked me going 68 mph in a 55 zone.
To which I reply: "Really? I was watching my speedometer. I might have hit 60mph." He just looks at me, walks back and talks to his deputy (whom I am thinking he was probably training because of how he was talking to him), walks back, gives me my license, and lets me off with a warning.

I think the only reason I got away with that is because he clocked me while we were driving in opposite directions. The calibration of his radar could've easily been off (it wasn't ) and clocked me going faster than I actually was.

Boring story, I know
Seattle Seahawks


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