misfitsramones
Tab Contributor
Join date: Apr 2007
149 IQ
#1
On the fourth floor, where they lay dormant and former; people no more.
Souls escaped, minds faded at rest in drawers.
Cold to touch, stiff with rigormortis but yet...
...names with meaning, marked on doors where people lay as they are stored.
Waiting to be at rest beneath our soles.
Some are children, parents, gunslingers and wh0res,
worthless and torn were rich and poor.
Some... young as four; older though are few, it is a tragedy to Me.
...I am the coroner, looking after the mourned,
keeping the peace as they lay behind closed doors.


..
ALsMistress
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2013
10 IQ
#2
This looks like a very promising piece. I'm no expert at critiquing songs and I'm new here, so I'm probably not going to stick to the advice given on the rules thread...but I thought these lyrics were very powerful and very realistic. I'd love to see it extended a little and put into regular song form (Verse, Chorus, Verse, etc.) but that's up to you to decide I guess Anyway, nice work. Keep it up!
misfitsramones
Tab Contributor
Join date: Apr 2007
149 IQ
#3
Thanks. I was going for a poem not really a song or lyrics. This is probably as far as it will go. Glad you enjoyed it, always like to hear feed back.