jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
Join date: May 2006
2,775 IQ
#1
My Father at Work

I listen as my father
breathes from the other side
of the door, the foyer
is cold for the winter
and the hallway smells
like wood from where he works
at fixing the door, or the doorframe
so it could close again,
the house taking its leisures of age
and my father having none of it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join date: Jul 2007
9,587 IQ
#2
Normally, I find your work to be both well constructed and hyper-relateable. Like, even though you're talking about things that are in your life, I find my life in it somehow.

However, this I only really see it as well-constructed. It's not that I didn't enjoy it... so much as it just feels so dense; that I'm slogging through line breaks and pseudo-pauses in phrases and I never really grasp what's going on in it. The lines that I think demonstrate it best are:

"... from the other side
of the door, the foyer
is cold for the winter."

The way I read it was:

"... from the other side (breath/pause)
of the (huh... oh... it's a continuation; start from beginning of above) door, the foyer (pause/breath, wait... where is the foyer in relation to the door?)
is cold for the winter. (Oh... wait, this is also a continuation, restart from above)"

The line breaks do you no favors, because it's breaking up what seem to be very "matter-of-fact" descriptions of things; and making the descriptions stutter. Sort of as if the pig from looney tunes is reading it... I just wanted to get to it; and so I found it hard to read and relate.
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
Join date: May 2006
8,469 IQ
#3
Quote by jiminizzle
My Father at Work

I listen as my father
breathes from the other side
of the door, the foyer
is cold for the winter
and the hallway smells
like wood from where he works
at fixing the door, or the doorframe
so it could close again,
the house taking its leisures of age
and my father having none of it.


This is so simply put that I think you're forgetting to do something with the language. It reads as if you were more focused on the images and meanings than how it reads.

This could do with a lot more work sonically, I think it clunks around too much. It's like you've just translated what's in your head onto the page, but forgot there's going to be a reader on the end of it - I think it just needs a little something more poetically to really become more than it is.
jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
Join date: May 2006
2,775 IQ
#4
love the feedback, boys. I plead the "it was homework assignment constraints" whine on one level, but I would like to make even those poems feel good and complete and I was too happy/content with this one to let these criticisms go unnoticed or un-acted upon.
With vigor and appreciation,
Jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me