shdwboy
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2013
65 IQ
#1
That night

I still remember that first time we met. Long brown hair with a smile that would knock me down.
Her eyes beautifully blue had me falling, I was tryin to keep my ground.
Burning with the stars and stealing every kiss I could get.
Out on a country road I was falling in love with a girl ill never forget.

I knew then I had to make her mine.
Just like a song with a perfect rhyme, it was my time to shine.
Putting a glimmer on her face never felt so right.
Laughing and holding each other. I know ill never forget that night.

Months later on down the road we found ourselves together.
Living and loving saying that this would last forever.
With the towns glow in the background taking pictures on that ferris wheel.
I knew in that moment right in front of me was something that was real.
And it took me right back to that time.

I knew that I had to make her mine.
Just like a song with a perfect rhyme, it was my time to shine.
Putting a glimmer on her face never felt so right.
Laughing and holding each other. I know ill never forget that night.

Like all things so good it just never seems to last.
I know who's to blame and try to put it in my past.
A memory of when I held her tight.
And I can't forget the way her smile shined so bright.
I go back to a special place in my mind, When.

I knew that I had to make her mine.
Just like a song with a perfect rhyme, it was my time to shine.
Putting a glimmer on her face never felt so right.
Laughing and holding each other. I know ill never forget that night.
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#2
this is simple, honest and good story telling, which is all that words about a girl need to be.

there are a few cliche rhymes and ideas in the mix (which is maybe something to think about)
but they come across well due to the laid back, almost effortless feel.

overall a solid piece that makes a refreshing read.
#1 synth
Weeow!
Join date: Mar 2006
7,350 IQ
#3
simple, even, and works for your purpose. doesnt particular have that hook that makes the audience think about their world any differently but nice, short, and sweet all the same.

would love to see you try a different subject matter and see what you come up with

shdwboy
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2013
65 IQ
#4
Thanks Yall. I went back over it and I did change some stuff around. Here's my revision of it.

That night

I still remember that first time we met. Long brown hair with a smile that would knock me down. Her eyes beautifully blue had me falling, I was tryin to keep my ground. Burning with the stars and stealing every kiss I could get. Out on a country road, I was falling in love with a girl I know I'll never forget.

I knew then I had to make her mine. Just like a song with a perfect rhyme, I could see the fire in her eyes. Putting a glimmer on her face never felt so right. Laughing and holding each other. I knew I'd never forget that night.

Months later on down the road we found ourselves together. Living and loving saying that this would last forever. With the towns glow in the background taking pictures on that ferris wheel. I knew in that moment right in front of me was something that was real. And it took me right back to that time.

I knew that I had to make her mine. Just like a song with a perfect rhyme, I could see the fire in her eyes. Putting a glimmer on her face never felt so right. Laughing and holding each other. I know ill never forget that night.

Like all things so good it just never seems to last. I know who's to blame and try to put it in my past. A memory of when I held her tight. And I can't forget the way her smile shined so bright. I go back to a special place in my mind, When.

I knew that I had made her mine. We wrote a song with the perfect rhyme, when I lit that fire in her eyes. Keeping a glimmer on her face never felt so right. When we laughed and held each other. I know it'll be hard to never forget that night.