It's rap and it's not quite finished! Let me know what you think. Crit 4 Crit!

Will this be my big break or will I walk away broke?
You swallowed all your words and now you're trying not to choke
Will I have the last laugh or be the centre of your joke?
If you're looking for a fight, man, this is just a poke
I won't sugar coat it, your ego's over bloated
So you floated to the top and then you popped and couldn’t hold it
Sitting face down, rolling in the deep
It worked out for Adele but your just putting us to sleep
Please, you're barely audible, forget apluadable
Hannibal the cannibal going vegan is more plausible
Hick-hick hickory dickory dock, climb up the clock
You'll see me rising through the levels
Like Jack and the Been-stock
Let me show you original with a flow so impeccable
As you're compensating for what lacks above your testicles
No disrespecting, yo, it's just quite the spectacle
I was killing it under radar, but now my threat is detectable

So close this time, I can feel it rising up
They pull at my feet, but they can't reach high enough
Imagine that

Terminally ill, diagnosed with dopeness
MC's try to tie their noose, but I left 'em rope less
This track is sounding dirty, gotta keep it soapless
Left you swimming with the shark, wishing you weren't boat less
Riga mortis, the body starts stiffening
It's sickening, listening, to poser pussies piddling
I look over this labyrinth, I'm the Goblin King
Gobbling up the baby sitter while these haters circling
I just wanna blow up, where is Peter Pan?
I don't wanna grow up so take me to Neverland
Tripping through the trails of the twisted
A gifted kid with a sense of satirical persistence
Touring this nation, scavenge for a meal
Got every club bouncing harder than a baby seal
It only takes an instant, to instigate the shot
Provoke the plot, so you better stop before you get popped and mopped

I come from the land of corny cover bands
You can keep my money and take the nickle back
Vultures keep circling while our culture's skin is purpling
But a purpose is resurfacing, it's the music that you're purchasing
....... all i got for now
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
What kills it for me is the AABBCCDD rhyming/assonance pattern. You change it up sometimes, but it it's got that basic feel. Sometimes I wanna here the rhyme pattern go somewhere else than besides the previous vowel consonance pattern. Lyrically it's not bad however.

Put it over a beat an post it. That in itself could totally change my opinion.
Quote by HeretiK538
Totally awesome, I love you.

Have my children.

This one has some great parts and some not-so great parts. Particularly, the entire first verse I thought was awesome. Loved it.

The second part, I thought was a bit weak. A couple parts in particular I did not like was "wishing you weren't boat less" that just really did not hit it with me. If he is swimming with a shark, he is boat less. So there is no need to specify that he wished he had a boat. That is self-explanatory. But furthermore, it bugs me because I doubt the thing coming to his head right now was I wish I had a boat right now. It is more like I hope I survive this shark. I just feel like it is weak. The other one is Peter Pan because that just made me giggle a little bit. I just could not take that seriously at all.

Overall, it was definitely a good poem though. I enjoyed it. Also the Peter Pan one could be pulled off if it is rapped properly.

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1593211
Last edited by 21wickwing at Mar 18, 2013,