I have a bass line that's basically just one note on each beat and I really like the choppy feel created by playing them as dotted sixteenth notes. How do I get these to all sound even? It's too fast for me to count out.
I don't know, haha. I'm in the same predicament, I'm playing this piece in 5/4 with a pickup note so it's easy to feel the pickup note as the 1 and not before it, but I guess where I'm going with this is, I can't count it, but I can feel it.
As long as I can feel the groove I can play it. Maybe that's the answer to your problem

Or you could count 1 e & a 2 e & a 3 e & a 4 e & a, if that makes it easier.
And we will weave in and out of sanity unnoticed
Swirling in blissfully restless visions of all our bleary progress
Glowing in radiant madness
on bass, staccato notes are best played by "stopping" the note with your fretting hand. Slow down what you're playing and practice getting them even and crisp until you can move the speed back up to where you want it. Also using a pick will just make it more difficult, so if you can, use your fingers.
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Just practise this really slow with a metrome setted om 70Bpm or something like that and gradually speed up. Good luck with practising!