#1
Not sure which title I want to go with :/ Such a small thing to be hung up on. Anyways, if you have a better title... LET ME KNOW!


Spring started yesterday yet snow still falls
with all the grace that the color, white, can offer.
Life has been put on hold as yesteryear’s afterlife
reigns over the soul of the world.

The first snowflake of the year is always thrilling
Then over the course of a season, it grows tiresome.
What was once amazing beauty becomes a deep nuisance.
And it is human nature to take for granted what it once loved.

There resides a need to begin a new season –a new life-
Spring, where trees are budding with new leaves,
presents the opportunity to play and experiment-
to push the body past its natural limits.

We have embraced love for so long that it is now cold and stale.
I used to love when you rubbed the temples of your glasses
while you waited patiently, or nervously, for pending events.
Now I hate it.

It is best to move on, start anew, and smell the fresh breeze of the spring air.
I am leaving you.


oooo and c4c
#2
is this a poem or song? it doesn't really matter just curious.

i'm really liking this. i don't like critiquing because i'm not good at it. i usually know what i like or don't like but have a hard time explaining why. so i'll do my best.

not sure were to start so i'll start with the title. i think spring has arrived is a better title. before reading the poem/song i thought of spring is here as a "yes, spring is finally here yippee" kind of thing. when I thought of spring has arrived I thought of it more as "spring is now present which is neither a good or a bad thing ". So i think spring has arrived is more appropriate for this song.

the second paragraph is my favorite. it sums up the entire poem/song very well. also the last two lines are great. it's ends the poem/song perfectly.

i don't like the last three lines in the fourth paragraph. not really sure why though. i feel like this song may be best without personal details of your significant other. it just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem/song. that's just me though. i like the first line in the fourth paragraph.

i really like this piece. i think the subject matter is something that could have easily turned into a cliche poem/song but you somehow avoided it. good work. thanks for sharing. hope this was helpful.
I just want to know that I did all I could with what I was given.
#3
It is a poem. I tend to write poems and if they fit anything I do on guitar I plug it in haha. Not the best way to do things: many poems without music and many guitar riffs without words :/. I just enjoy the art of poetry and music and if by chance they merge, then woop!

Anyways, your crit was definitely helpful! I was weary of those three lines because they were so personal and I feel like I may have pushed the personal touch on too much there. So I was particularly looking for that kind of input.

Thanks!
#4
Quote by 21wickwing


I was weary of those three lines because they were so personal and I feel like I may have pushed the personal touch on too much there.


i actually really like personal lyrics i just didn't feel that they fit this poem. i don't want to discourage you from writing personal stuff.
I just want to know that I did all I could with what I was given.
#8
Pretty solid work, I don't feel like there's much to critique here. It's very image based, which I enjoy, and I've actually written similarly themed material before. Very nice.