#1
Walk on into the wasteland
Held only by fates hand
Soldier through the desolation
Lost is the sole motivation
Search on for a lost oasis
Only to find that God is faceless
Alone in a world of useless dust
Destroying your pathetic lusts
You strive on, throat parched
Though it seems as if through this land you've already marched
The Sun's menacing heat pierces your heart
The pure lonliness tears your mind apart
God's eye has looked past you
The others of the human race have only harrassed you
You search for a some kind of sanctuary
Although your results have been quite statuary
You move on to kick the chair
Neck is snapped, no one cares


Thoughts? Improvements? Better word to use in place of the existing ones? Let me know!
WALDO
#2
It's a pretty cheesy, but it works for a Metal song I guess.

God's eye has looked past you
The others of the human race have only harrassed you

You can actually probably get away with rhyming you with you here, but if you can think of something to replace one of them I would use that.

You search for a some kind of sanctuary
Although your results have been quite statuary

Doesn't rhyme or flow and the word "statuary" doesn't make sense at all here. Statuary basically means collectively. You need a different line there.

You move on to kick the chair
Neck is snapped, no one cares

Doesn't make sense, I would completely get rid of this stanza.


Overall it's not horrible and it flows well for the most part, you have a lot of work to do though. I also don't think you know what the song even means. You need to figure that out and edit it around whatever you come up with.
#3
You move on to kick the chair
Neck is snapped, no one cares

I actually like this line in the song and I wouldn't change it. I agree with the guy above me about the statuary part though

All in all it has a really dark feel and it sounds great so far.
Last edited by nate_lazda at Mar 24, 2013,
#4
Quote by StreetLight3989
It's a pretty cheesy, but it works for a Metal song I guess.

God's eye has looked past you
The others of the human race have only harrassed you

You can actually probably get away with rhyming you with you here, but if you can think of something to replace one of them I would use that.

You search for a some kind of sanctuary
Although your results have been quite statuary

Doesn't rhyme or flow and the word "statuary" doesn't make sense at all here. Statuary basically means collectively. You need a different line there.

You move on to kick the chair
Neck is snapped, no one cares

Doesn't make sense, I would completely get rid of this stanza.


Overall it's not horrible and it flows well for the most part, you have a lot of work to do though. I also don't think you know what the song even means. You need to figure that out and edit it around whatever you come up with.

It's about being so lonely that you kill yourself
WALDO