OKSauce
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Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#1
A semi-improvised poem.

Where the water falls

Where the water falls over overhanging rock windswept
In the blue breezes thrown from natural aqueducts
Underneath the wet sky you and I did walk
Where the water falls green and mossy to the
Farthest bank of the rivers of Earth
With dragonfly lily pads and April blossoms
Living their lives we kissed in the river
Where the water falls from grace
To a godless rock underneath it all
And paradise stalls
For one unmeasured moment
As you fall and the water falls.
doubtfulsalmon
______________
Join date: Jan 2011
628 IQ
#4
totally agree with seventh angel, get this thing punctuated, you're on to something really good here.

also i love those last 5 lines.
OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#5
Thanks guys, well the punctuation thing was supposed to emphasize rhythm over everything else, but maybe I should add it. It's quite an ambiguous, experimental piece I suppose.
Last edited by OKSauce at Mar 26, 2013,
OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#6
Here's an edit -

Where the water falls over overhanging rock, windswept
in the blue breezes thrown from natural aqueducts
underneath the wet sky.
Where the water falls green and mossy to the
farthest bank of the rivers of Earth,
with dragonfly lily pads and April blossoms
living their lives,
we kissed in the river
where the water falls from grace
to a godless rock underneath it all.
And paradise stalls
for one unmeasured moment
as you fall and the water falls.
OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#8
Quote by seventh_angel
That edit makes all the difference man. This is really good.


Thanks, that's very kind! Just changed the last line too -


Where the water falls over overhanging rock, windswept
in the blue breezes thrown from natural aqueducts
underneath the wet sky.
Where the water falls green and mossy to the
farthest bank of the rivers of Earth,
with dragonfly lily pads and April blossoms
living their lives in the rock-tossed river
where the water falls from grace
to a godless rock underneath it all.
And paradise stalls
for one unmeasured moment
where the water falls.

since the old one made less sense, and this repeats the title, which is nice.
Last edited by OKSauce at May 10, 2013,
OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#11
Quote by ben bobby oh
this is a pretty good poem. are you going to make it into a song?


Thanks, I wasn't planning to put music to it but you never know, stranger things have happened. It might be too ambiguous and rhythmically strange though.
pushkar000
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2010
343 IQ
#12
this is a great piece you've got man!

if its alright with you, could i try to write a melody and some music for this/use this poem(piece? lyric?) as some sort of basis for writing something?
im supposed to write my old band a song and im lost for lyrics, and this is just beautiful.
credits will go where due of course, and if anything ever comes through of this, ill make sure to let you have the first listen!
Last edited by pushkar000 at Apr 2, 2013,
OKSauce
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Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#13
Quote by pushkar000
this is a great piece you've got man!

if its alright with you, could i try to write a melody and some music for this/use this poem(piece? lyric?) as some sort of basis for writing something?
im supposed to write my old band a song and im lost for lyrics, and this is just beautiful.
credits will go where due of course, and if anything ever comes through of this, ill make sure to let you have the first listen!


Yeah I'd love that man, please do keep me posted! Feel free to edit it too if you want.
pushkar000
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2010
343 IQ
#14
Quote by OKSauce
Yeah I'd love that man, please do keep me posted! Feel free to edit it too if you want.


thanks man!

I changed quite a bit of the song, and it really blows compared to what you originally came up with(im sorry, i tried to do it justice but failed miserably). id love your opinion though.
my old band has a female and male vocalist, so i wrote a duet. the rough sort of idea here is two troubled lovers talking about the problems they had, amidst the backdrop of this beautiful waterfall kind of thing going on
please if theres anything you'd like to change/tell me, go right ahead, id appreciate criticism and help

(boy)Where the water falls bright blue
April blossoms and little birds flew
Everything I’d do
Wasn’t good enough for you

(together)So I thought to myself
I’d fall in love with someone else

(girl)Where the water falls from grace
The windswept hair covers your face
You ran away to a different place
Why didn’t you let me chase

(together)So I thought to myself
I’d fall in love with someone else

(together)And we kissed on that lonely night (in the river/together)
And we said this was paradise forever

(together)And paradise stalls
For one single moment
As the water falls
Last edited by pushkar000 at Apr 3, 2013,
OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#15
Quote by pushkar000
thanks man!

I changed quite a bit of the song, and it really blows compared to what you originally came up with(im sorry, i tried to do it justice but failed miserably). id love your opinion though.
my old band has a female and male vocalist, so i wrote a duet. the rough sort of idea here is two troubled lovers talking about the problems they had, amidst the backdrop of this beautiful waterfall kind of thing going on
please if theres anything you'd like to change/tell me, go right ahead, id appreciate criticism and help

(boy)Where the water falls bright blue
April blossoms and little birds flew
Everything I’d do
Wasn’t good enough for you

(together)So I thought to myself
I’d fall in love with someone else

(girl)Where the water falls from grace
The windswept hair covers your face
You ran away to a different place
Why didn’t you let me chase

(together)So I thought to myself
I’d fall in love with someone else

(together)And we kissed on that lonely night (in the river/together)
And we said this was paradise forever

(together)And paradise stalls
For one single moment
As the water falls


The duet is a nice idea. The tricky thing here is that it's such an ambiguous, rambling poem. I would say that possibly the rhyming couplets don't work that well because it sometimes feels like the rhymes are a bit forced. What chords are you using?
pushkar000
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2010
343 IQ
#16
Quote by OKSauce
The duet is a nice idea. The tricky thing here is that it's such an ambiguous, rambling poem. I would say that possibly the rhyming couplets don't work that well because it sometimes feels like the rhymes are a bit forced. What chords are you using?


heres a midi file of the song
it sounds crap, terribly sorry.
theres a distinct lack of instrumentation and atmosphere because
(1) the program i used(tuxguitar) cant do exactly what a real guitar can
(2) and also cause the bass is crap
(3) and finally cause i was forced to write this for a single guitar, cause my old band has only one guitar player.
i yolo'ed the drums, it was 5am.
the synth is supposed to be the vocals(both male and female cause i was lazy)
and the ending is half-assed, i didnt know what to do so i just left it.

thats all the excuses

im no songwriter, forgive me


The chords are

_______Verse:__________________________Chorus(not in order):_____________

e-|-------------------------------------------0------0------0--------0--------0--------0-------
b-|-----5-------------5----------------------0------0------0--------0--------0--------0-------
G-|-----4-------------4----------------------8------9-----11------13-------16------16---------
D-|-----6-------------6----------------------6------7------9-------11-------13------14-------
A-|-----0-------------------------------------6------7------9-------11-------14------14--------
D-|--------------------4----------------------6------7------9-------11-------13------14---------

The chords to the last part are the 2nd(Asus2) and 3rd(Bsus4) chorus chords
Attachments:
Homoz2.mid
Last edited by pushkar000 at Apr 4, 2013,
OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#17
Quote by pushkar000
heres a midi file of the song
it sounds crap, terribly sorry.
theres a distinct lack of instrumentation and atmosphere because
(1) the program i used(tuxguitar) cant do exactly what a real guitar can
(2) and also cause the bass is crap
(3) and finally cause i was forced to write this for a single guitar, cause my old band has only one guitar player.
i yolo'ed the drums, it was 5am.
the synth is supposed to be the vocals(both male and female cause i was lazy)
and the ending is half-assed, i didnt know what to do so i just left it.

thats all the excuses

im no songwriter, forgive me


The chords are

_______Verse:__________________________Chorus(not in order):_____________

e-|-------------------------------------------0------0------0--------0--------0--------0-------
b-|-----5-------------5----------------------0------0------0--------0--------0--------0-------
G-|-----4-------------4----------------------8------9-----11------13-------16------16---------
D-|-----6-------------6----------------------6------7------9-------11-------13------14-------
A-|-----0-------------------------------------6------7------9-------11-------14------14--------
D-|--------------------4----------------------6------7------9-------11-------13------14---------

The chords to the last part are the 2nd(Asus2) and 3rd(Bsus4) chorus chords


The way the chords and the melody work together is good, I like the way the song builds up texturally too. The lyrics need a bit of work in my opinion, I could mess with them a bit if you want?
pushkar000
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2010
343 IQ
#18
Quote by OKSauce
The way the chords and the melody work together is good, I like the way the song builds up texturally too. The lyrics need a bit of work in my opinion, I could mess with them a bit if you want?


i didnt have much to work with i was pushed for time and the other restrictions i mentioned above.
glad you like it though.

please, feel free to edit them, id love that!

the exact lyrics, as they are right now:

Where the water falls, so bright blue
April blossoms bloom
And all the little birds they flew
Everything I’d do
Wasn’t good enough for you

So I thought to myself
I’d fall in love with someone else

Where the water falls, it falls from grace
And the windswept hair covers your face
You ran away to a different place
Where you never let me chase

[ So I thought to myself
I’d fall in love with someone else ] (x2)

[ And we kissed on that lonely night (in the river/together)
And we said this was paradise forever ] (x100)
Last edited by pushkar000 at Apr 4, 2013,
OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#19
Quote by pushkar000
i didnt have much to work with i was pushed for time and the other restrictions i mentioned above.
glad you like it though.

please, feel free to edit them, id love that!

the exact lyrics, as they are right now:

Where the water falls, so bright blue
April blossoms bloom
And all the little birds they flew
Everything I’d do
Wasn’t good enough for you

So I thought to myself
I’d fall in love with someone else

Where the water falls, it falls from grace
And the windswept hair covers your face
You ran away to a different place
Where you never let me chase

[ So I thought to myself
I’d fall in love with someone else ] (x2)

[ And we kissed on that lonely night (in the river/together)
And we said this was paradise forever ] (x100)


They're pretty fine as they are to be honest, I'd just change

'I'd fall in love with someone else'

to

'I'll fall in love with someone else.' Because the tense makes more sense this way. I think the rest is ok though man. Let me know how it goes and if it gets played live or anything (:
pushkar000
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2010
343 IQ
#20
Quote by OKSauce
They're pretty fine as they are to be honest, I'd just change

'I'd fall in love with someone else'

to

'I'll fall in love with someone else.' Because the tense makes more sense this way. I think the rest is ok though man. Let me know how it goes and if it gets played live or anything (:


thanks!
that makes sense, ill change that bit.
if you think of anything else, let me know.

my band is currently trying to get a slot for a gig at the end of the month, and hopefully they get the slot + play the song. if that happens, ill be sure to link it to you! our female vocalist is amazing, im positive you'll enjoy her singing.