ReubenAndrews
&#30
Join date: Apr 2012
25 IQ
#1
throw him across the floor boards,
nail him above the mantle,
bear head is twisted with scorn,
always looking down on you,
stare into his deep glass eyes,
and nothing reflects back,
a king with no crown,

pig wants to burn your house down,
crack of dawn, cockadoodledoo,
back turned to bacon sizzling,
nameless authority lurks behind,
uh, the floorboards are creaking,
get the shotgun?
get the shotgun.

thick dark flames encompass all,
metal fragments, pig's crown of thorns,
bear head's unforgiving eyes smoulder,
outside a crisp white landscape,
owl has a hole in his wing,
and he wonders,
now human is dead,
who will be king?

Looking for criticism, I feel like the last part is fairly weak. I'm not sure by myself.
treborillusion
UG Fanatic
Join date: May 2009
3,126 IQ
#2
Well I don't think I've seen anything about Taxidermy before, so kudos on your choice of subject matter being able to make me think, it's shocking because it's different.
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
ReubenAndrews
&#30
Join date: Apr 2012
25 IQ
#3
I guess I've just seen a lot of songs with similar topics (which isn't at all a bad thing) and got a bit bored with some common themes. Thanks for the compliment
Last edited by ReubenAndrews at Apr 5, 2013,
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join date: Jul 2007
9,587 IQ
#5
Quote by ReubenAndrews
throw him across the floor boards,
nail him above the mantle,
bear head is twisted with scorn,
always looking down on you,
stare into his deep glass eyes,
and nothing reflects back,
a king with no crown,

The thing that hurts this the most for me is your punctuation choice of all commas. If you go with no punctuation, then I can read with my own ebb & flow; but by adding only commas, you give a monotonous but forced sort of pause. I think this could shine much stronger with proper punctuation (and I'm not normally part of the, FIX YOUR DAMN PUNCTUATION crowd). Other things to touch up:

bear head is twisted with scorn
always lookign down upon you
...
a king with no crown.


pig wants to burn your house down,
crack of dawn, cockadoodledoo,
back turned to bacon sizzling,
nameless authority lurks behind,
uh, the floorboards are creaking,
get the shotgun?
get the shotgun.

Here is where I felt like you went a bit overboard on the abstractness of your images. It sort of lost it's gritty tone in favour of Alice in Wonderland style; and I much preferred the grittier feel that comes along with nailing bear heads to mantles. I also felt like this was the weakest stanza. Like you lost your thread a bit. Example: "Crack of dawn, cockadoodledoo" & "nameless authority lurks behind." The first is obvious why it's abstract... you cockadoodledoo'd. The second, you are throwing in an extra "character" of the authority with no introduction and no return to what the hell it's about. I think of all the stanzas, this could use the most cleaning up. However, I loved the bacon line as well as the closing couplet. The staccato that the couplet gives is glorious and really cements this piece in my memory.

thick dark flames encompass all,
metal fragments, pig's crown of thorns,
bear head's unforgiving eyes smoulder,
outside a crisp white landscape,
owl has a hole in his wing,
and he wonders,
now human is dead,
who will be king?

I liked this a lot. I feel like it really ties the piece down and gives it a place to go. Not much to comment on here.


This is a really solid piece; but I think it needs some cleaning up and some punctuating to really take it from "solid outline" to completed piece. The second stanza is just a bit out of line with the rest of the feeling in the piece; and really even the tone of voice. You switch from this dark, action movie announcer describing this off-the-wall scene to a mischevious, but somewhat-guiding sprite that is leading our hero through some bizarro world. Reconciling the two voices that appear will make the whole piece more cohesive.

Strong work though.

I'd appreciate if you could return the critique on "Envelopes" which is linked in my sig.

Cheers,
Zach
ReubenAndrews
&#30
Join date: Apr 2012
25 IQ
#7
Hey! Whoops sorry haha, I totally forgot about this. Yeah it's the least I could do, give me a couple minutes. I'll definitely work on what you said and maybe leave the cockadoodledooing to a more playful song :') I'll post a reworked version sometime later. Thanks all!

EDIT: "cool to have a fresh spawn writing at this caliber already!" So glad that you appreciate my style of writing haha :')
Last edited by ReubenAndrews at Apr 17, 2013,