OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#1
Just wrote these lyrics, not sure what I think yet. Feedback would be helpful

I walk down deserted streets
I hear the click clack tapping of plastic keys
The light beguiles unnumbered souls
Shining blue on countless walls
In a hall of mirrors.

Reflections change in worlds of glass
Where lightning people wander past
buildings built of thoughts and words
are formed all crooked and absurd,
In a hall of mirrors.

The buzzing sky is grey as moths
The planet children are all lost
in endless waves of digital noise
That drowns our all too human joys,
in a hall of mirrors.

Mirrors are never what they seem
The world is bursting at the seams
with too many thoughts, too many fears
heard only by inhuman ears,
in a hall of mirrors.
BashfulPanda
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2013
36 IQ
#2
second line doesn't fit meter established in the rest of the song so get rid of "plastic" or "tapping"
in every other stanza the first 2 lines have 8 syllables so it seems really off.
The repeating hall of mirrors thing is cool, but I'd do it every other stanza or write some bridge or chorus like parts that maybe give the whole thing more clarity or helps it make more of a statement (all I get is something about the digital age I'm assuming and something about people turning more into ideas and text than physical beings which is a cool idea btw). But I think as it stands it would seem a bit monotonous if you end everything with in a hall of mirrors but it's a neat metaphor and could easily be made into a catchy chorus.

As for quality, I don't really know not necessarily my thing so I don't feel like I'm the one to judge it, but it's got potential and at least it's not trite.
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join date: Jul 2007
9,587 IQ
#3
This is actually one of the more solid true "songs" I've seen on here in a while. The main issue I have is the refrain of "in a hall of mirrors." In every stanza, it seems tacked on to the end. It breaks the natural rhythm which is really one of the strong points of this piece. As I was reading it, it has a natural gait to it; but the last line always causes it to stutter. I'd consider removing it from every stanza but the last, which is where the stutter has the most impact.

Also, consider "planet's" children. A few of your lines come across as forcing the rhyme, just based on being "cheesy." However, that is one of the sacrifices of rhythm and rhyme. I think with some nice editing, you could refine this some more. An example is the rhyme of: Seems and seams, ears and fears... things where you can tell you were like, "balls, what do I rhyme this with?" and took the easy route. Go back and look to clean up lines like that, and you will improve this piece a lot.


I'd appreciate if you could return the critique on "Envelopes" which is linked in my sig.

Cheers,
Zach
OKSauce
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2011
790 IQ
#5
Thanks guys. I've actually edited the lyrics somewhat now after hearing your suggestions -

I walk down deserted streets
I hear the click clack tapping of plastic keys
The light beguiles unnumbered souls
Shining blue on countless walls
In a hall of mirrors.

Reflections change in worlds of glass
Where lightning people wander past
buildings built of thoughts and words
are formed all crooked and absurd,
In a hall of mirrors.

In the fairground
The sun is dying down
Shadows are long
Our reflections are wrong,
reflections are wrong.

Mirrors are never what they seem
The world is bursting at the seams
with too many thoughts, too many fears
heard only by inhuman ears,
in a hall of mirrors.

In empty rooms, illuminated rooms,
with tired blue faces,
our reflections are wrong,
reflections are wrong.

The 'click clack tapping' line works perfectly with the rythym of the chords I'm using, so no worries there.
I'd still value any more feedback!