#1
Blueprints for Heaven

I wander through construction sites,
ruins of M., drifting into distance,
and everything else is lost outside
of warning signs, the fences
to which they’re tied,
footsteps echoing across plywood,
bridges tracked with mud—
and where these things meet, under
a sky barely visible from the city’s foundations,
the first stories of steel beams and skeletons
of future buildings, rise like shouts
between rooftops in the summer;
the lights beyond turn off in wake of dawn
the cars have rusted to a standstill, the boats have docked,
the trains stay in the stations, the planes rest in pieces,
and nobody gets very far,
so the construction goes up and on
in the sky like a scar.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Apr 10, 2013,
#2
Quote by jiminizzle
Blueprints for Heaven

I wander through construction sites,
ruins of M., drifting into distance,
and everything else is lost outside
of warning signs, the fences
to which they’re tied,
The flow gets really strange on these two lines. Not sure I like "of".
footsteps echoing across plywood,
bridges tracked with mud—
and where these things meet, under
a sky barely visible from the city’s foundations,
the first stories of steel beams and skeletons
of future buildings, rise like shouts
between rooftops in the summer;
the lights beyond turn off in wake of dawn
the cars have rusted to a standstill, the boats have docked,
the trains stay in the stations, the planes rest in pieces,
and nobody gets very far,
so the construction goes up and on
in the sky like a scar.


You have been improving your rhyming and flow a lot lately, and the beginning of this piece is another example of that. However you kind of lose the pace after a while on this one. Also it's an extremely descriptive piece, which is not my taste. I don't know if it fits the contempt of the project; if it does, good. I just wanted to wish you good luck with it and give you my opinion on it.
#3
and where these things meet, under (+)
a sky barely visible from the city’s foundations,
the first stories of steel beams and skeletons(+)
of future buildings, rise like shouts(+)
between rooftops in the summer;


Thumbs up....


...other than the line breaks above with a (+) on the end. Those line breaks made the section hard to read. Each time, in both my reading, the voice naturally resolves on the end of the line (like an implied period) because the line can make sense without the next word (given it's a different meaning than you wanted, but it can still make sense); then I stumbled over the next line because I felt like the thoughts had already resolved.

If you get a chance, just a quick bump with a few thoughts on "Envelopes" would be appreciated.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 10, 2013,