#1
Here's a kind of folkish country tune I've been working on a for a while. It sounds best with a deep Johnny Cash style voice (the voice I will never have). The verses are meant to be spoken and the chorus is supposed to be sung.
I play the entire song like this=
Am_________C__________G_____________Am
My uncle was preachin’ man, and I’m a preacher too.
Tell me what you think!

My uncle was a preachin' man, and I'm a preacher too.
I’ll keep spreading that gospel word, until my days are through.
Now kids can’t pray in school, and they’re trying to raise scholars.
But instead of following God, they’re out there chasing dollars.

I believe the earth, was made in seven days.
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.
I believe the earth, was made in seven days
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.

How can you sleep at night, when they ignore your voice.
‘Cause everyday a child dies, in the name of choice.
He gave us the rules, so hear them if you can.
You better listen brother, before you meet the man.

I believe the earth, was made in seven days.
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.
I believe the earth, was made in seven days
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.

Upwards from the clouds, reaches a gentle hand.
If you grab it, you’ll enter the gloryland.
The lord He wants you, to partake the wine and bread.
A holy communion, meant to crush the serpents head.

I believe the earth, was made in seven days.
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.
I believe the earth, was made in seven days
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.
Last edited by BigShep at Apr 15, 2013,
#2
i like this. in particular the first verse. i'm glad you mentioned it was a folkish country tune with johhny cash like vocals. it gave me a good idea of what it sounds like.
I just want to know that I did all I could with what I was given.
#3
My uncle was a preachin' man, and I'm a preacher too.
I’ll keep spreading that gospel word, until my days are through.
Now kids can’t pray in school, and they’re trying to raise scholars.
But instead of following God, they’re out there chasing dollars.
So I will say that I already like how you came right out and said what it is you wish to be writing about without spending four stanzas about nothing anyone really cares about

I believe the earth, was made in seven days.
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.
I believe the earth, was made in seven days
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.
Quite an uneventful, anti-climatic chorus but I guess with the right music it could sound good

How can you sleep at night, when they ignore your voice.
Because everyday a child dies, in the name of choice.
He gave us the rules, so hear them if you can.
You better listen brother, before you meet the man.
Now this is the stanza where you will either keep listeners or lose them to religion differences. I for one do not follow the laws of Satan and believe that Free Agancy was given to all men. But that is beside the point, you posted this for a literacy critique... For one, whether you say 'cause or not, always write out because. That alone will kill your appearent intellegence in the community. Also, I REALLY am not a fan of rhyming. It kills the flow and forces you rush and break at the end of each line rather than flowing smoothly onto the next line. But again that is a personal suggestion. So this ramble later and I still have nothing against the writting style so far...

Upwards from the clouds, reaches a gentle hand.
If you grab it, you’ll enter the gloryland.
The lord He wants you, to partake the wine and bread.
A holy communion, meant to crush the serpents head.

So before I go any further, I used to be really active in this forum years ago and have a perticular way of critiquing so if I ever offend you or if you feel I am too contriving in your methods, simply ignore my rambles. This is just what I do

Now as far as this whole work, I am bored to say the least. It is unappealing in the sense that there is no creativity, no real story and barely a moral to the whole thing. You have very generic wordings, the rhyming kills it for me as far as flow and it appears to me that you just got out of Mass and you feel you know everything about the world with no real connection to anything. I am sorry to say that I really do not see anything appealing to this particular work and I would suggest tring excersices that promote visual sceneries and descriptions that make the reader feel as though they wandered into a new world.
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#4
Thanks for the critique! I am aware that some listeners may be turned off by the religions differences, and the direct condemnation of abortion that appears in the second stanza, but I wasn't writing to appeal to mass audiences as much just trying to express how a feel inside. On a side note, I do not feel that religious or partisan differences have too much effect on the listener. In example, I really enjoy some Ani Difranco from time to time despite greatly disagreeing with the political messages of her songs. Well crafted art passes beyond boundaries (not to say this is well crafted, I'm still a novice at song writing).
I'm planning the accompaniment for the chorus to be more unique than the verse. Instead of the strumming acoustic and electric bass like the verse it would either an electric guitar or a banjo join in.