#1
don't flinch don't cry
dirty sucker punch
they will not
mourn you

empty your mind so the
searchlights don't see
just close your eyes
and count count count

like men with ants
under microscopes

i will see you
soon

black smoke
black smoke
black smoke
black smoke


Based off of War Of The Worlds by H.G. Wells. Any feedback would be nice.
Last edited by unicornicopia at Apr 17, 2013,
#2
I have never read the book or any literature from H G Wells, but I am a lover of Steampunk anything so I have seen a lot of references to his works

Now as far as this work of yours goes, I understand what you are trying to go for here but I think you missed it just a little. The song From the Cradle by Widespread Panic is somewhat based on the idea that if you keep your eyes up and your head down the 'predator' of whatever sort you are hiding from will walk right by you and feed off then next poor kid. Though I like the the short simplicity, you lack visual 'candy' or maybe a metaphor or something to add character to an already well written idea Best of Luck to you
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#3
Rereading this after a few days, the second stanza needs to be scrapped and changed completely and the first needs some tinkering. I'll delete this and repost when I get round to fixing it up.