#1
Prepared for a rocknroll song, took just 25 minutes.

while there's a sky thats turning red
with walking fastly something dead
you girl have joined us suddenly
to lick my top cause thats only

(bridge)
you gotta get it
cause time wont break it

(chorus) 2x
thats what we want
even what god wants (to us )


no need win lottery
wine makes full my battery
if my motor runs high
also that makes me wanna fly


your veins are burning
when you see us you saving


thats what we want
even what god wants

(solo)

thats what we want
even what god wants ( to us)
Last edited by limanerg at Apr 17, 2013,
#2
Well there's quite a lot of problems with this. I don't want to be mean but to be honest I'd scrap the whole thing, take a break and then start again.

It seems that you're trying to force lines that don't really work together in order to get your rhymes. It means they don't really flow, it's clear that you're struggling to get the right amount of syllables into each line and so they don't feel natural. Also, you don't really have a coherent concept.

This happens to everyone sometimes. If I get stuck like this I tend to just sing random lines to the melody, just throwing out whatever pops into my head. Eventually you'll get a couple of lines you like (and as you've sung them you should be able to tell how natural they sound). Usually they'll at least hint towards a concept and that will help you develop the song further. Just repeat the exercise for more lines, but try and think of things that relate to those new concepts. As 'what the song is about' tends to come afterwards with this technique it's usually best (at least for me) to apply it to the verse melody.

I hope that helps, good luck!