#1
I pulled a Gerard Way and decided to write about the Boston tragedy but tried to keep its meaning partially obscured.

It's hard to get your feet back on the ground
when both have been bartered pound for pound
look at me, hey, I'm wired for sound.
So cut the wire before I hurt somebody!
Hey!
Don't show up late.
Hey!
Keep your eyes fixed straight.
Hey!

So put your best foot forward
and keep your heads gazing skyward
cause there's always the higher ground

Well, I've to something to say.
I might not squeeze it out today
but forgive me if I go away for a while
Hey!
Don't show up late.
Hey!
Keep your eyes fixed straight.
Hey!

So put your best foot forward,
there's something better ahead.
So put your best foot forward
what do you have to dread?

A little lady has pushed me away
she's got nothing to say today
I miss my mom
I miss my dad
I bet they're both so mad

Hey!
Somebody get me out of here.
I was tricked by someone, oh so dear.
I know I'll get more than a year
I guess there's no saving me from responsibility

Hey!
You showed up late.
Hey!
You let your eyes stray.
Hey!

Now put your best foot forward,
and never look back or be stalled
and never let them tell you halt
and keep your head raised skyward
cause there might still be higher ground.
Quote by KiLLSWiTCH-KnoT
it's like I make threads knowing they're gonna be shit but I make them anyway


Quote by kertets
Wire his sack to the electrical socket the next time, little fucker will be shootin lightening bolts all over the house.
Last edited by NarwhalG2G at Apr 20, 2013,
#2
Nobody? Haha.
Quote by KiLLSWiTCH-KnoT
it's like I make threads knowing they're gonna be shit but I make them anyway


Quote by kertets
Wire his sack to the electrical socket the next time, little fucker will be shootin lightening bolts all over the house.
#3
First off my advice is to not bump your own thread, if you want it to be recognized critique other works and leave a link in the post

So I am too tired to give you one of my proper critiques (maybe some other time) so I'll just giver you a summary... The sound refernce didn't make sense to me at first, and it wasn't referenced again in the piece so I find it a wasteful use of space. The other thing I noticed off the start is this seems to me more R&B Rap type feel. If that is what you are going for then I guess the rhyming means something to that genre. But I still am not a fan of rhyming. It forces the piece too much. Also I noticed a refernce to missing your mom and dad. Now my suggetion is to take the sound non-sense out and make it sound like a rap version of Yonder Mountain's Sometimes I've Won song, where it's about going out on your own and having the shit beat out of you but you still make the. Maybe in the end make a Cave Johnson's Lemons reference ( from the video game Portal 2). Now that I have rambled enough, overall I see nothing special here. Nothing that makes me want to print this and frame it. What it really needs is directional feeling. Feeling alone means nothing to anyone but yourself. But you need to direct toward a particular story, or some vivid scene that you are describing, and have done neither one here
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
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#4
Quote by 24WildRovers
First off my advice is to not bump your own thread, if you want it to be recognized critique other works and leave a link in the post

So I am too tired to give you one of my proper critiques (maybe some other time) so I'll just giver you a summary... The sound refernce didn't make sense to me at first, and it wasn't referenced again in the piece so I find it a wasteful use of space. The other thing I noticed off the start is this seems to me more R&B Rap type feel. If that is what you are going for then I guess the rhyming means something to that genre. But I still am not a fan of rhyming. It forces the piece too much. Also I noticed a refernce to missing your mom and dad. Now my suggetion is to take the sound non-sense out and make it sound like a rap version of Yonder Mountain's Sometimes I've Won song, where it's about going out on your own and having the shit beat out of you but you still make the. Maybe in the end make a Cave Johnson's Lemons reference ( from the video game Portal 2). Now that I have rambled enough, overall I see nothing special here. Nothing that makes me want to print this and frame it. What it really needs is directional feeling. Feeling alone means nothing to anyone but yourself. But you need to direct toward a particular story, or some vivid scene that you are describing, and have done neither one here

I'll try that the next time! Rookie foolishness, haha.

As for the song. It was pretty much written about the Boston marathon bombing but I wanted it to be kind of obscure. I think I went overboard on obscure.
Wired for sound means, at least it does here, that something/somebody is ready to go. I guess I kind of jumped to the expectation that the phrase wasn't just in Alabama In that part of the song, it's written from the viewpoint of a bomb. Next thing, I was thinking rock. The mom and dad thing, that was written from the viewpoint of a person who placed the bomb and was arrested. I'll try to remember your advice, though, I could do a lot better and I realize that. Thanks!
Quote by KiLLSWiTCH-KnoT
it's like I make threads knowing they're gonna be shit but I make them anyway


Quote by kertets
Wire his sack to the electrical socket the next time, little fucker will be shootin lightening bolts all over the house.