#1
This isn't about anything in particular. I was just listening to another song and got inspired. I've been getting into writing lyrics lately, but I don't sing or have a singer. So I guess it would be considered more as poetry, but I might make guitar parts to it someday, who knows.

A child kills a child
But that child's not to blame
It's the same
Just another victim
with a different name

Think the first was the worst
But he got here somehow,
See him now
He's got nothin' else
Left behind the brow

Just the hate and the pain
He's got nothin' to gain
It's insane
But what can you do
Tied to a chain

You can learn to be tough
But it's never enough
It's a bluff
And it all ends
When you get in a handcuff

But that's the style it's the way
That we're livin today
It's okay
It's how we taught them
We've got nothin' to say

It's so simple it's a breeze
It's a f**kin disease
Oh please
They drove to the scene of the crime
But we gave 'em the keys

I'm not sure what this all means, but hopefully the lyrics speak for themselves!
#3
Hahah I know, it's really pretty straightforward in a way. I was listening to too much Megadeth that night a lot of their stuff (at least in the ones I was listening to) is pretty direct and literal.
Normally I'd say that's a good thing and it's how the song SHOULD be, but something like this really could use a bit more imagination. Like I said, I'm pretty new to songwriting.
#4
It sounds like an attempt at a poignant poem about the human condition that ran off before you got into any developed linguistic devices. I loathe that sort of rhyming scheme for the most part anyway so that won't help but overall the skip between formal lexis and contractions doesn't fit, and it feels like an eh lyric that could work ok with a catchy song where the words don't matter much, but simply wouldn't work as something where the lyrics are prominent.
they're coming to take me away
ha-haaa
#5
I don't know, Banjocal, I like it. Just understand that this is NOWHERE NEAR what the final product would be, should I continue with this. I just wanted some advice before I continued.

Also, this was written for metal genres; it's important to know what it's written for. I'm really sorry I didn't put that up to begin with, my mistake!

Another thing though, I'm trying to experiment with different rhyming schemes, trying to break away from the ordinary, and I've had some hits and some misses. I kind of like how it turned out: the way the middle line (it's the same, see him now etc.) of each block sums up each section. Still, even that is not very strong...but what I might take away from all of this is a new idea: the prospect of contrasting the last half with the first half of a phrase using the middle line to actually "twist" the idea around...I could really make something with that...

Anyway, nice critique, don't think I'm not listening just because I have a lot to say Thanks.
#6
As I say, my issue with rhyming schemes is a fault on my end, not yours. What I think you should do is do what I do (if you want to see my own admittedly mediocre work jut PM me I'm by no means good): take elements of this poem which you like, and then rework it. Keep the fundamental idea, but continuously reconsider what you write. Be hypercritical of yourself and try to write what you wish to convey with subtlety and linguistic devices. Twist the reality into an abstraction and make the listener consider the lyrics used so that they come to your conclusion naturally, but with thought. Basically, really embellish your thoughts in a way which adds subtlety and draws on other aspects of your feelings and life so that the poem/lyrics have something profound to discover beneath the surface. This can be done with great elaboration or oppositely minimalism.

Finally, have a look at William Blake, Emily Dickinson, Dante, and Sylvia Plath, and if you want to really get into writing, study the devices they use.

Hope this helps
they're coming to take me away
ha-haaa
Last edited by Banjocal at Apr 21, 2013,
#7
Well thanks for all your time and thought. It's a little rare these days Definitely helpful