#1
Spoken word intro for a post rocky style piece we are writing. Will be spoken over a quiet, dissonant guitar riff. The piece as a whole is quite sad and desperate, intending to evoke feelings of loneliness and despair. Studio time is booked for mid May.
This is supposed to be quite disjointed, with absolutely no focus on rhyme or sentence structure as it is intended to sound rather detached and emotional. Lots of weird little pauses and then little fast, frantic phrases and stuff, if you get what I mean Whole thing takes about 1:15 to go through when we practice.
But interpret it as you will, I am just curious to see what you guys reckon, and of course, I will crit back

------------------------------------------


This night is dark
the wind is cold
I can no longer feel my fingers
as I touch your skin.
it is like ice

a whimper, then a breath
then you're no longer aware
and I watch you fade in my arms
not long
not long

and as ash drifts across the air
I let go, of all resistance
and embrace the torment as my own.

now the night never ends.
and I beg at the feet of the souls around me
and I pray to He I cast out, so long ago
and I, foolish I, touch my skin
it is like ice
and I am alone
#2
This night is dark
the wind is cold
I can no longer feel my fingers
as I touch your skin.
it is like ice
This last line is very awkward to me. It not only seems out of place but it doesn't flow at all. Maybe I think it would sound better if you use it a line or two earlier and maybe refer to the skin as ice. Like maybe The wind is cold, your skin is ice against my hand. Obviously you can come up with something better than that but it's to give you an idea of using the ice as a description IN the stanza

a whimper, then a breath
And you're no longer aware
As I watch you fade in my arms
not long
not long
Maybe even omit the 'as'. It doesn't really need something there in my opinion.

and as ash drifts across the air
I let go, of all resistance
and embrace the torment as my own.

now the night never ends.
and I beg at the feet of the souls around me
and I pray to He I cast out, so long ago
and I, foolish I, touch my skin
it is like ice
and I am alone
Again the ice seems misplaced to me. But this is my far the best stanza. It flows really well

So I think this piece is pretty good. It could use more imagery descriptions, since the main image is the skin of ice and the dark night. If you were to work on that enough you could go from higher mediocre to a WoTW with imagery alone.
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#3
I think you're reluctant to use the "cold as ice" cliche. You could just get rid of the ice line.

This night is dark
the wind is cold
I can no longer
feel my fingers
as I touch your skin

now the night never ends.
and I beg at the feet of the souls around me
and I pray to He I cast out, so long ago
and I, foolish I,
touch my skin
and I am alone
Last edited by ElliottJeffries at Apr 23, 2013,
#4
yeah cheers fellas this is obviously a first draft and all 7 if us are writing shit for it so we will pool our thoughts on the weekend.
The bass player is a ****ing crazy writer so I got a feeling his will be the go but yeah, cheers fellas.
I'll crit back at some point tonight
#5
I agree with the others w/ the ice simile, it does seem a tad bit cliche. Maybe swap it with something else or remove it as elliot suggested?

I really liked how you wrote it in a sort of disjointed manner, I also like the briefness of the lines but they still manage to be effective