webehigh
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2013
21 IQ
#1
1st post been using the site for tabs for years now here's a lil something I wrote just want some opinions
I play it on acoustic kinda sounds like the strokes and old school blink 182

Look at what we did
I think id rather lie
You've seen it all before
But you still act surprised

Tell me what's going on
I really think your holding out on me

Why you gotta do me like that?

Told you twice id be right back


I'm to blame
That's what you think
We both broke this
And its a shame
We can put it back together
If that's your thing

Why you gotta do me like that?
Told told you twice id be right back

That's it I'll prob be posting more thanks for reading
24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
Join date: May 2008
3,171 IQ
#2
Look at what we did
I think I'd rather lie
You've seen it all before
But you still act surprised
I am not usually a fan of rhyming but this doesn't kill the flow too bad. As for a start it already seems a little cliché but with the right music it could sound alright

Tell me what's going on
I really think your holding out on me
Now this last line really doesn't seem right. It doesn't flow well and it seems awkward in many ways. And I can see the next line and it also seems awkward. What I think you need is some sort of visual reference. Let's get a picture going by now. Do something like Lost in cryptical observation or something to give it some character

Why you have to do me like that?

Told you twice I'd be right back

I'm to blame
And that's what you think
We both broke this together
And its a shame
We can put it back together
If that's your thing

These last two lines could use some replacing. Maybe another reference to whatever you replace that second stanza to

And I don't see anything really special here. I have read a few threads in the forum and I learned that true writing skill is taken to the next level by imagery. If you draw a picture with words you truly are skilled and have potential to become great. And I don't see that here. Maybe practice your visual descriptions for a while to develop this under-used talent
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Apr 27, 2013,
webehigh
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2013
21 IQ
#3
I agree on some stuff but I noticed you write what seems to be mostly poetry and I liked some of it but this is not meant to be like that its a catchy song and lines like lost in cryptical observation wouldn't be right but thanks I I'll get better
24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
Join date: May 2008
3,171 IQ
#4
Well you are right in that I do write mostly poetry, and I learned a while ago that when I give suggested lines to not make them fit. So the writter can have a second reference point and make up a while new one himself and I in no way impeded my ideas into the piece. But anyway, good luck with your work, I am only one suggestion and it all really is up to you
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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