Brother Was In Terrible Car Accident, May Never Be The Same Again, Do I Tell My Ex?

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#1
So last night my brother was in a car wreck last night, by all means he's lucky to be alive, and the doctors quite frankly are surprised that he is. I went to visit him today and he's pretty bad off. Not so much physically but mentally. He has some severe memory loss and can't remember what seems to be the past year and a half.

Him and my ex girlfriend were very close at one point. They considered each other brother and sister and he actually came out to her. Around August of last year he developed a severe drug problem and became very violent and irrational, eventually threatening her which ended the relationship. He has since gotten help but I'm almost positive they haven't spoken. I've tried to speak to her a few times with no response.

The thing is he doesn't seem to recall any of this happening. He still thinks he is playing varsity football and wrestling, and doesn't even realize he has a drug problem. Me and my ex were really the only people that cared about him(parents are dead, live with aunt and uncle who don't really care for him), and at one point I was his legal guardian.

Should I let my ex girlfriend know about what happened? I feel like she has the right to know about it, but I think honestly it would mean more to him than her. I don't even know if she cares about him after all that happened. It's very tough though to tell a kid that thinks the world of someone that they're not coming to see him, or that they will most likely never see that person again.
Quote by barden1069
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#3
I would tell her. Just seems like the right thing to do.
"Music became a healer for me. And I learned to listen with all my being. I found that it could wipe away all the emotions of fear and confusion relating to my family." Eric Clapton
#5
If he cared for her, why was she your ex?
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I can't believe you are whoring yourself out like that.

ಠ_ಠ
#6
Quote by flexiblemile
you need a new amp. Check out the new line 6 spyders


Check your emails.

Call her op.
Most of the important things


in the world have been accomplished


by people who have kept on


trying when there seemed to be no hope at all
#7
i would let her know just the right thing to do for his and probably her sake might even save a fredinship this way

also just out of curiosity...does he rememebr coming out? cause that would be a strange conversation to have to do again
#8
I think you should tell her, it may rekindle their relationship.
And she may even be able to help him with his problems.

EDIT: Plus, I hope he gets better. Car crashes rarely ever have a positive end, although it may give him some perspective.
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Last edited by Crazyedd123 at May 6, 2013,
#9
Quote by Neo Evil11
If he cared for her, why was she your ex?


TS's brother is gay
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Last edited by Hail at May 6, 2013,
#10
Quote by flexiblemile
you need a new amp. Check out the new line 6 spyders

Not gonna lie. This was the best use of this garbage I've ever seen.

OT: Tell her. It would be the cutest shit on earth if he forgets any hatred toward her and they can start a new friendship again. They could honestly make a movie about that.
Edit: I just realized how insensitive it sounds. I don't mean it to be. A close family friend of mine suffered severe head trauma. He can't distinguish peoples faces anymore. When your with him, you state who you are, then he just matches your name with the color that you're wearing. Best of luck
FORZA CATANIA
Last edited by jonathan666666 at May 6, 2013,
#11
Quote by Hail
TS's brother is gay

Hail is gay too.
Quote by Carmel
I can't believe you are whoring yourself out like that.

ಠ_ಠ
#12
Thread title sounded like a really shit adbot thread.

But anyway, my condolences.
]
#13
am not
Quote by RealGuitarHero
and he actually came out to her.
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Hail isn't too edgy for posts, posts are not edgy enough for Hail.


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You win. I'm done here.
#14
If he forgets he has a drug problem, does he still have a drug problem?
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#16
Quote by ErikLensherr
If he forgets he has a drug problem, does he still have a drug problem?

that was my first thought. But then if it's a physical addiction it will catch up with him regardless
#17
Quote by Jacques-Henri
You realize that TS's brother is actually gay, right?

As gay as a french guy named Jacques-Henri?
Quote by Carmel
I can't believe you are whoring yourself out like that.

ಠ_ಠ
#18
Quote by willT08
that was my first thought. But then if it's a physical addiction it will catch up with him regardless


yeah, crack babies don't need to see a rock to fiend for it
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Hail isn't too edgy for posts, posts are not edgy enough for Hail.


Quote by UseYourThumb
You win. I'm done here.
#19
There's no reason to not tell her.

Worst case scenario she doesn't want to see him and you're in the same situation you are now.
Rhythm in Jump. Dancing Close to You.

Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
#20
Quote by Hail
yeah, crack babies don't need to see a rock to fiend for it

Spoken from experience I am guessing.


Sorry to hear about your brother ts. I too think you should tell her.
#21
I think I would tell her. It can't hurt can it? If she does care, she'll want to hear about it. If she doesn't care, well you just wasted five minuets and a phone call.

Anyway, I hope your brother gets better. Hopefully his memory will come back after a bit of time.
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#22
Tell her. If they stopped being close because he had a drug problem, but he doesn't remember he has a drug problem, then things could work out. And even if he still has a physical addiction I don't think he'd remember "Oh I need to do cocaine to feel better" or whatever, I'm sure it would be more like "Why do I feel so shitty?".
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#23
I think she should know to brace herself when inevitably seeks contact. It would still probably suck and be emotional for her, but at least she'd know why it seems like he doesn't remember.
Quote by ErikLensherr
If he forgets he has a drug problem, does he still have a drug problem?

Yes, because of the physical connections made in your brain. A friend who had to study this explained it to me once, so I'm likely only half (or less) right, but if I recall correctly some 'switches' of your brain get turned on when you use physically addictive substances that are engaged with the pleasure parts of your brain. Every time you engage in the activity again, more switches get turned on and the stronger your addiction will grow and the more you need it. They don't really ever turn off, they might just get dormant over time. So, when you get back into the habit again, all these switches get active again and you're back to craving.

Citation needed.

So taking that into account, he needs to know what to stay away from, because he might make the same bad choices again.
#24
Quote by Danjo's Guitar
Tell her. If they stopped being close because he had a drug problem, but he doesn't remember he has a drug problem, then things could work out. And even if he still has a physical addiction I don't think he'd remember "Oh I need to do cocaine to feel better" or whatever, I'm sure it would be more like "Why do I feel so shitty?".

Addiction's usually not just about the substance itself, it's also got a lot to do with a person's environment. Although he might not remember he's after a specific substance, if he goes back to his old life he might come across the people who got him into the drugs in the first place.

It's not just as simple as "oh he'll forget his addiction to X".
Rhythm in Jump. Dancing Close to You.

Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
#25
Quote by frankv
I think she should know to brace herself when inevitably seeks contact. It would still probably suck and be emotional for her, but at least she'd know why it seems like he doesn't remember.

Yes, because of the physical connections made in your brain. A friend who had to study this explained it to me once, so I'm likely only half (or less) right, but if I recall correctly some 'switches' of your brain get turned on when you use physically addictive substances that are engaged with the pleasure parts of your brain. Every time you engage in the activity again, more switches get turned on and the stronger your addiction will grow and the more you need it. They don't really ever turn off, they might just get dormant over time. So, when you get back into the habit again, all these switches get active again and you're back to craving.

Citation needed.

So taking that into account, he needs to know what to stay away from, because he might make the same bad choices again.

Yeah. Druguse influences the synapses. Which influences most things our neurons do.

It's not so much a thing of being conscious about it. Your brain doesn't simply reset itself.
Quote by Carmel
I can't believe you are whoring yourself out like that.

ಠ_ಠ
#26
Quote by Neo Evil11
Yeah. Druguse influences the synapses. Which influences most things our neurons do.

It's not so much a thing of being conscious about it. Your brain doesn't simply reset itself.

I'd argue that not remembering any of it would help with the emotional part of addiction.
#27
Quote by Neo Evil11
If he cared for her, why was she your ex?


Good, this is an opportunity to get some pity sex.
#28
I can see it already- ts's brother wakes up after weeks in bad shape, ts peers into his room and sees him walking around sticking random things up his nose muttering 'nope, still not high'

Seriously though, what's the harm? just tell her man
#29
Quote by frankv
I'd argue that not remembering any of it would help with the emotional part of addiction.

Oh I'd agree with that. I am just saying that the body still is suffering from the results of the druguse.
Quote by Carmel
I can't believe you are whoring yourself out like that.

ಠ_ಠ
#31
So sorry man, best wishes to you and your brother

And definitely tell her, it puts the ball in her court. If she cares, she'll act on it and if she doesn't then she's a bitch and **** her
#32
Quote by jonathan666666
Not gonna lie. This was the best use of this garbage I've ever seen.

OT: Tell her. It would be the cutest shit on earth if he forgets any hatred toward her and they can start a new friendship again. They could honestly make a movie about that.
Edit: I just realized how insensitive it sounds. I don't mean it to be. A close family friend of mine suffered severe head trauma. He can't distinguish peoples faces anymore. When your with him, you state who you are, then he just matches your name with the color that you're wearing. Best of luck

Man I would love that more than anything. Part of the reason I am hesitant to say anything is because of course I still have feelings for her. I don't want this to become my "in" to rekindle things.
Quote by ErikLensherr
If he forgets he has a drug problem, does he still have a drug problem?

Yeah that is a good question. I would hope not. I really regret the rehab facility we sent him to. It turned out to be sort of cultish.

The thing is the way he treated both of us, was pretty horrible. There was a point where he beat me with a lead pipe to steal money from me, mentally abused her when the addiction got pretty bad. There are a lot of bad memories associated with the situation. He doesn't seem to remember this happening. I can't understand it because I've googled it and stuff and memory loss never seems to be this severe. It's taken me some time to forgiving my brother. The irony of this whole situation was he wasn't even on drugs or anything when this happened. He was just in a car with an idiot.
Part of me really wants to think that she would want to know what happened to him. Part of me just isn't sure. It's kind of become a sad thought that because he is so reckless the next time I would end up seeing her is his funeral.
Quote by barden1069
A "tubescreamer" is a person paid by a guitarist to stand behind the amp and scream at the tubes. This terrifies the tubes into overdriving and delivers a thick, harmonic-rich tone.
#34
Look at it from the other side.

You had a girlfriend for a long time, and at some point she hurts you so badly that you don't want to see or hear from her again. You're devastated. She goes into a car crash and forgets everything from that period and thinks you're still together. It probably took you a while before you completely got over the situation so despite her amnesia, you're not going to forgive her that quick.

So I would advise you to wait for a while (a few weeks) and look how it goes. If he recovers and gets/stays clean you can carefully talk to her about it, but you definitely shouldn't expect anything.
And if he dies (I know you don't want to think about it, but it's a possibility) while she does gets her hopes all up she would be shocked by his loss...

I sincerely hope he's going to make it and wish you a lot of strength. And know that we here at UG are here for you! (besides that flexiblemile who is a F*CKING IGNORANT ASSH*LE!)
#35
First off, I would like to say sorry about your brother. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope he has a steadfast recovery. My cousin just got in a bad car accident last year and he'll never be the same again and will be lucky if he'll ever walk, so I can understand what you're going through.

As for your ex, I would say no. I see no benefit in you telling her and I don't understand why your brother would care anyhow. Don't waste your time on an ex, be there for your brother.
"I don't want to be hostile. I don't want to be dismal.
But I don't want to rot in an apathetic existence either.
"
-Maynard



| |
#36
Don't hate on flexiblemile. I have no hate towards him for what he said. I appreciate everyone's input
Quote by barden1069
A "tubescreamer" is a person paid by a guitarist to stand behind the amp and scream at the tubes. This terrifies the tubes into overdriving and delivers a thick, harmonic-rich tone.
#37
She might be able to help if they were close. Her being around might trigger something that reverses some of the memory loss.
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#38
I would tell her. Tell her she has a right to know. Leave out the whole ''thinks he's still playing football years earlier before he threatened her and ****ed things up'' part. She'll make her own thoughts about that. Just tell her she has a right to know and you thought it would be important to tell her. If she doesn't respond, then she doesn't respond, it could mean a lot of different things so don't jump the gun and don't make your own decision as to what she thought about it.
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