#1
I've been writing for awhile, strictly for myself. But I'm a little curious as to see what other people might think of it. So here's a quick little poem I wrote today. Oh, and I'm really in need of help with punctuation in poetry, so any advice on that would be fantastic!

The drifting winds stare back at me
Stirring the leaves above the grass on the Potters field
There's no limit to what presentiments they can see
So they do not speak of the empty souls they have revealed

The sillouette of a man, standing perfectly still
Casts dark carpets of perfect empty color
The winds don't ever speak, but for this man they will (I kind of don't like the repetition, what about you?)
For he is the only son of this beautiful mother
Last edited by Chase.A at May 12, 2013,
#2
Structure first; imo of course. brackets mean I added words in:

The drifting winds stare back at me
Stirring the leaves above the grass
(On the earth) of Potter's field

-- Added "On the earth" because I felt it flowed a bit better, and still fits with this part.

There's no limit to what presentiments they see
So they do not speak of the empty souls
(Of which) they have revealed

-- Kind of a hard part to make flow, unless you don't want it to. I had to google presentiments But the concept is neat.

The silhouette of a man perfectly still
Casts dark carpets of a perfect empty (shade)
The winds don't ever speak
But for this man they will.

-- The 2nd line seems kind of long to me. Maybe shorten it somehow? The rest is fine.

For he is the only son
Of this beautiful mother.

-- I separated this part from the rest to give it more of an emphasis on this part because it seems like a major detail to me.

Overall it is good, however, the fact that you switch from 1st person to 3rd between the two stanzas is kind of confusing. It might work better if you could have a "transition" stanza between the two. Is the man there? Or is the person in the first stanza seeing this man? What's the environment like? You could give a couple details in the transition stanza.

But thats just me.
Caution:
This post may contain my opinion and/or inaccurate information.

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#3
Thank you so much, the first person to third person was something I noticed too but had no idea how to change it effectively ahaha. I'll keep working on it, thanks.
#4
My suggestion would be to describe the person in the 2nd stanza from the point of view from the person in the 1st stanza, and have that be your 2nd stanza now, and your currently 2nd stanza is now your 3rd.

Know what I mean?
Caution:
This post may contain my opinion and/or inaccurate information.

Current Rig:
2006 PRS CE-24
Mesa/Boogie Mark V
Voltage S212 w/ V30's
Strymon Timeline
CMATMods Signa Drive
TC Electronics Corona & Hall of Fame
#5
For the author's point of view I agree with, and certainly, the author of this also has its own understanding of the following to illustrate some of the author's own point of view.

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