#1
Intro (Yelling): Okay listen up you dumbass mother****ers, i have a little something to say. We're back and here to ****ing stay, we're bigger and badder then ever. You you stupid little shitcunts who gave us shit for being what we are can now bow down to us because now we're here and you cant do a ****ing thing about it!!! HAHAHAHA

Verse 1 (Screaming): You said i couldnt ****ing do it but look at me now, now you're basking in my own success and your blood is flowing like a river, look at me ****ing now!!! You thought you could get away and that i would be nothing, but look at me now, we're ten times the people you ever thought you could ever be!!

Chorus (Singing): I know you tried so hard to be what you wanted but I put so much more effort and now i'm torn between two things, getting my revenge or living the dream

Verse 2 (Screaming): You ****s never did a ****ing thing to earn the shit you recieve and now that you've failed you're on your knees and eating out of the palms of my ****ing hand. You told me what to be you dumbass and now that I won i'm ontop of the ****ing world and you're eating out of the ****ing palm of my hand!

Chorus (Singing): I know you tried so hard to be what you wanted but I put so much more effort and now i'm torn between two things, getting my revenge or living the dream

Breakdown (Screaming): Oh! **** you!!!!! You're a ****ing piece of shit, you were wrong and I was right. You thought you knew but you were mistaken, now I will win this fight.

Outro: Piano
Last edited by austenxmetal at May 13, 2013,
#3
Poetic words, woven into metaphysical silk that would make Poe blush.
#4
Man... it's like if Black Veil Brides were even more self-obsessed disgusting excuses for human beings.

Actually it sounds like the new Falling in Reverse song which is being called one of the worst things to happen to music on most websites.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#5
oh god that falling in reverse song is disgusting, please don't remind me about it.

with regard to the OP:

drop the swearing, it's just ridiculous and doesn't add anything if its used in every line.
avoid cliches.
expand on ideas and add imagery to make it more interesting.
feel free to do whatever you like, just because this is how a lot of current metalcore bands write doesn't mean you have to.
try expanding your listening/influences to add to your writing (give bands like converge and botch a listen)

as a final note don't be discouraged from writing by anything anyone says, just take it all in and come back better.
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at May 14, 2013,
#6
Best bit

Quote by austenxmetal

Outro: Piano


and yes I'm being mean, but I thought it was funny
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at May 14, 2013,
#7
Quote by Bazz22
Poetic words, woven into metaphysical silk that would make Poe blush.


Seconded.