#4
There's a writing thread. Multiple actually.


Way too superfluous and dramatic. The grandiose language at the beginning makes it sound amateur and juvenile. I got two paragraphs in.

The writing is very heavy handed. Lots of words in there that serve no purpose or serve a redundant purpose. Tighten your language and tone down the drama. This huge, cosmic approach is disorientating so early and sets you up to fall flat on your face at this point. Rainforests are tropical, you dunce. Got about half way before stopping. You're giving too much useless detail. Language is choppy in places. "I was drawn to a two storey stone structure" Beside misspelling 'story', that bogs down a reader. It's all heavy syllable one after the other and the alliteration doesn't help.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
Last edited by BladeSlinger at May 15, 2013,
#5
Yeah, not reading that. Your writing style just screams "over the top".

That said, are you just trying to get people to read your stuff?
#6
I "disliked" it.
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#8
Quote by BladeSlinger
There's a writing thread. Multiple actually.


Way too superfluous and dramatic. The grandiose language at the beginning makes it sound amateur and juvenile. I got two paragraphs in.


Yeah I was hunting for the writing threads,will repost there.

The flowery language is there for a reason, but I see your point,its a turn off. Thanks for reading.
#9
Quote by rat_87
Yeah I was hunting for the writing threads,will repost there.

The flowery language is there for a reason, but I see your point,its a turn off. Thanks for reading.

You can have flowery language. This is not flowery, this is masturbatory.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#10
Quote by BladeSlinger
You can have flowery language. This is not flowery, this is masturbatory.

Yeah, flowery would be spicing it up a little. To use a food analogy, TS basically dumped as much curry as possible on all of his story. There's so much curry that all you taste is curry.
#12
The first four paragraphs of Sawyer could be cut to one, maybe two. Lots of dead words.

The first segment could easily be cut in half.

You might try reading a little Barthelmes or Kafka. Post-Modernism probably suits how you write, or at least how you want to write. An incorporeal narrator has to handled very carefully. Making the language grandiose doesn't make use feel that it's otherworldly, it just sounds like a kid who discovered a thesaurus. Think of it like a guy who can play guitar super fast. Play very complex and difficult parts doesn't make a song enjoyable. A well crafted piece is enjoyable a technical embellishments can shine in it. You might cut down on the techy guitar speak. It's part of you narrator's knowledge but it can be distracting to anyone who isn't familiar with all of these things. Some can give characterization and ground the reader but too much get disorienting.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
Last edited by BladeSlinger at May 15, 2013,
#13
Plain awful.
Quote by ChemicalFire
You get my first ever lolstack






The image in my head is just too funny for words at this point


Aw yeah.
#14
Quote by BladeSlinger
There's a writing thread. Multiple actually.


Way too superfluous and dramatic. The grandiose language at the beginning makes it sound amateur and juvenile. I got two paragraphs in.

The writing is very heavy handed. Lots of words in there that serve no purpose or serve a redundant purpose. Tighten your language and tone down the drama. This huge, cosmic approach is disorientating so early and sets you up to fall flat on your face at this point. Rainforests are tropical, you dunce. Got about half way before stopping. You're giving too much useless detail. Language is choppy in places. "I was drawn to a two storey stone structure" Beside misspelling 'story', that bogs down a reader. It's all heavy syllable one after the other and the alliteration doesn't help.


Ha Ha couldnt resist eh?

Neways, yep I guess i went overboard with the language and detailing - but that's kind of a fantasy/sff style - but also quite unsuitable for UG.

ehm, but where did YOU learn to spell?? A building with 2 floors is a two -storey building .And ever hear of temperate rainforests? The hoh rainforest in Washington?
#16
Quote by crazysam23_Atax
Yeah, flowery would be spicing it up a little. To use a food analogy, TS basically dumped as much curry as possible on all of his story. There's so much curry that all you taste is curry.


That's a terrible analogy. When you eat curry, all you taste is curry because you're eating curry. What is it supposed to taste like? Half curry and half pickled herring?
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#18
Quote by theogonia777
That's a terrible analogy. When you eat curry, all you taste is curry because you're eating curry. What is it supposed to taste like? Half curry and half pickled herring?


went with pickled herring??? obviously pickled eggs are better than picked FISH!!!
#19
Quote by crazysam23_Atax
Yeah, not reading that. Your writing style just screams "over the top".

That said, are you just trying to get people to read your stuff?


Yes, I am. I'd rather get flamed by people than have that story sit there with no views or comments. Thats the whole point of posting it somewhere,so that it gets read.

BladeSlinger thanks! that makes a lot of sense!
Last edited by rat_87 at May 15, 2013,
#20
Quote by rat_87
Ha Ha couldnt resist eh?

Neways, yep I guess i went overboard with the language and detailing - but that's kind of a fantasy/sff style - but also quite unsuitable for UG.

ehm, but where did YOU learn to spell?? A building with 2 floors is a two -storey building .And ever hear of temperate rainforests? The hoh rainforest in Washington?

Got me on both accounts, my mistake.

Style doesn't matter, especially on UG. There are many talented writers here. I literally was in a short story class and a fantasy literature class this semester, so yea.

Here is the creative writing thread. What you have now isn't a bad draft but it has a ways to go. The people who post in that thread know their shit. Way more than me at least.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
Last edited by BladeSlinger at May 15, 2013,
#21
Quote by theogonia777
That's a terrible analogy. When you eat curry, all you taste is curry because you're eating curry. What is it supposed to taste like? Half curry and half pickled herring?


he's referring to "curry powder"
i don't know why i feel so dry
#22
Quote by theogonia777
That's a terrible analogy. When you eat curry, all you taste is curry because you're eating curry. What is it supposed to taste like? Half curry and half pickled herring?

Of course it's terrible. And a very small amount of curry (like a pinch) allows you to taste the actual food.

Quote by Eastwinn
he's referring to "curry powder"

Eastwinn gets it!
#23
Quote by BladeSlinger
Got me on both accounts, my mistake.

Style doesn't matter, especially on UG. There are many talented writers here. I literally was in a short story class and a fantasy literature class this semester, so yea.


style doesn't matter? style always matters bro. might i suggest

i don't know why i feel so dry
#24
Quote by crazysam23_Atax
Of course it's terrible. And a very small amount of curry (like a pinch) allows you to taste the actual food.


Why would you only have a pinch of curry?

Quote by Eastwinn
he's referring to "curry powder"


Oh. I should have known better than for Sam to actually use correct terms, since curry is a dish and people that call that powdery stuff "curry" are incorrect.
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
Last edited by theogonia777 at May 15, 2013,
#25
Quote by Eastwinn
style doesn't matter? style always matters bro. might i suggest


I meant him saying it was fantasy so it didn't really belong on UG. I meant that well crafted writing can transcend style to an extent. Things like useless phrases or chunky sounding sentences that could be cleaned up.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#26
Quote by BladeSlinger
I meant him saying it was fantasy so it didn't really belong on UG. I meant that well crafted writing can transcend style to an extent. Things like useless phrases or chunky sounding sentences that could be cleaned up.


by style do you mean genre?

cause that would make more sense. either way i just wanted to post that image again
i don't know why i feel so dry
#27
I meant that the overly-descriptive,harpy style of SFF/FAntasy was unsuitable for UG. I got carried away I guess. Anyways thanks BladeSlinger, a lot of what you said made sense.

And thanks everyone else (for the downvotes)
#28
Quote by WaltTheWerewolf
thats an awful practice session!!! nice read though!


Glad SOMEONE liked it.
#29
Quote by rat_87
And thanks everyone else (for the downvotes)


You're welcome.
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#30
Your story reminds me of Bart on the Simpsons reading to Lisa his story when he broke his leg. But hey what do I know, just keep writing man. Even if 80% is bad there'll be enough good stuff there.

Quote by BladeSlinger

"I was drawn to a two storey stone structure" Beside misspelling 'story'


#31
Quote by rat_87
I meant that the overly-descriptive,harpy style of SFF/FAntasy was unsuitable for UG. I got carried away I guess. Anyways thanks BladeSlinger, a lot of what you said made sense.

And thanks everyone else (for the downvotes)

Overly-descriptiveness is part of bad Fantasy and Science-Fiction.


I mostly meant genre and the tropes attached to it. Being proficient in various styles is extremely important. I'm not much of a creative writer so this isn't my strongest area. After reviewing what style entails, that's exactly what you need. More precision with style. Precision is your biggest problem seems like. Every word can have purpose or meaning. You don't have to be profound at all, just have a very intentional diction. Know how the words individually contribute to tone and voice and how they word together. If you have access to a creative writing workshop it would help a lot, or read a lot of articles.

^I dun goofed. Happens to everyone.


Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#32
^ that's good advice. every word should count

you'll find that advice and much more in that book that i posted twice, if you're interested in doing more creative writing. don't be discouraged that this attempt wasn't so good. it's like playing guitar: you suck at first.

edit:
Elements of Style: amazon
Bird by Bird: amazon

i recommend both of those books
i don't know why i feel so dry
Last edited by Eastwinn at May 15, 2013,
#33
Your story reminds me of Bart on the Simpsons reading to Lisa his story when he broke his leg.


Overly-descriptiveness is part of bad Fantasy and Science-Fiction.

There are some authors who can make it work - Jordan,Rice,Koontz....I guess its about finding the right balance

you'll find that advice and much more in that book that i posted twice, if you're interested in doing more creative writing. don't be discouraged that this attempt wasn't so good. it's like playing guitar: you suck at first.

edit:
Elements of Style: amazon
Bird by Bird: amazon

i recommend both of those books


Will check them out!
Last edited by rat_87 at May 15, 2013,
#34
You can always read my work to make yourself feel better.


As a starting point, this isn't so bad. I'd rather have more than less. You can cut things and see how they work or rearrange things. Find a person or two to help you edit, and take a break every so often. It's easy to become too familiar with your work. And don't forget to read, read, read. We become better writers by becoming better readers and vice versa.


I'm only familiar with Rice and I don't see that with her at all. Remember that Rice, at least her vampire stuff, also has elements of Romance. It's perfectly fine to incorporate other genres in but don't use tropes or stereotypes as an excuse. Fantasy wasn't the most respectable genre after a few decades of rehashing Tolkien but George R. R. Martin and Robert Jordan brought some new life with their series. Martin removed an romanticism from Fantasy, he plays with you. He sets you up for a common trope then turns it on it's head. He knows how to manipulate his reader. It takes a lot of skill.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
Last edited by BladeSlinger at May 15, 2013,
#35
Some of Rice's later works like Memnoch the Devil are begging to be culled...way too meandering. I personally enjoy RR Martin,he's quite crisp.
Truth is, I was originally a "5 words in a sentence -not more than 2 syllables per word" kinda person...now its like verbal diarrhea. I probably should allow more time between writing and editing phases,so that I can clean up the crap better.
#36
Quote by rat_87
Some of Rice's later works like Memnoch the Devil are begging to be culled...way too meandering. I personally enjoy RR Martin,he's quite crisp.
Truth is, I was originally a "5 words in a sentence -not more than 2 syllables per word" kinda person...now its like verbal diarrhea. I probably should allow more time between writing and editing phases,so that I can clean up the crap better.

You don't have to be choppy either.

As far as I know, Rice as declined. I never kept up with her. Well crafted writing is well crafted regardless, even if you don't like it. I do not like Borges but he's still a crazy good writer. His stuff is too far out into Post-Modernism for me. You might give him a try though, he digs abstraction a lot.

If a work needs more words, it needs more words. There aren't many catch all rules for writing. You write based on the function of the story and what is required for that story. Hemingway's aestheticism needs stripped down realism but Borges simply can't be done with so little words. He name drops philosophers like he's getting paid for it and goes into some difficult concepts. That's what his stories do. They're cerebral and abstract. His language and style match what his stories do. You seems to have over stepped some but I don't think going Hemingway or Carver on this thing would make it any better. It obviously requires some embellishments. You have the framework, you just have to refine.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#37
Quote by theogonia777
Oh. I should have known better than for Sam to actually use correct terms, since curry is a dish and people that call that powdery stuff "curry" are incorrect.
What kind of posh person are you, that you call it "curry powder"? Seriously, unless you go to an Indian restaurant, no one in the US is actually talking about the dish "curry".