#1
Here is a song I wrote some time ago and I was looking for some opinions on it.

Aphrodite

Ten feet away and looking your way
Don't know what I sould say
I don't even know your name

Lately I sleep just to dream
Of a girl who looks the same
as the one that stands before me

Don't even know your name
but I know what I will call you
I will call you Aphrodite


That is a little bit of it.
Last edited by liveflatout at Jun 29, 2013,
#2
"...as the onw that stands before me"

This line ruins the flow for me, a bit too many syllables. I would change it to something like "as the one facing me".

Otherwise it's good, sure it's a subject that has been treated many times before... but there's probably a reason for that, it's a feeling/state that most can relate to.
Empty tankard! Empty Tankard!
#3
i really like this piece. i think it's great. i personally like the line "as the one that stands before me". the only thing that you might want to change is the typos.

i'm assuming this is a poem but just to make sure i'm going to ask. is this a poem or a song?

thanks for sharing.
I just want to know that I did all I could with what I was given.
#4
This is part of a song that I wrote for my wife when we got together. I had music to it and have performed it many of times. I am re writing the music now as I am not happy with the feel of it all together. Thanks for the input.