#1
She’ll obsess over growing until she takes
one step too much and facedives into the lake
where sharks cohabit in a grotesque survival.
When someone’s a stranger, that someone’s a rival.
I guess it’s about time she meets our maker –
he’s produced in fabrics and imprinted in paper.
The reality will soon devastate her
when she realizes how she’ll react. Later,
when she’ll quit the angst and dream about children,
she’ll build a future while I become a pilgrim
searching for old mindsets, hoping I can feel them
one more time before I kneel before an ideal.
Then, we’ll proceed the continuous stagnation
that falls upon the shoulders of this shackled nation.
We wore out our defenses facing against it; I guess
as we become choiceless, we learn to embrace it.

But, one day, before the eyes of a crisis,
I’ll gaze upon her wrinkled body beside me.
She may be looking peaceful, but hiding her worries,
or she may wake up in a ceaseless scurry
and begin rambling with the voice of a last breath.
There are so many things I can’t help but to regret.
They build up inside me, but I’m not beaten up yet;
I’m too old to revolt, but there are still things I won’t accept.
As long as my memories don’t deceive me,
I will keep on fighting for what I believe in.
If I could say one thing to my younger self,
I’d tell her to follow the things that make her well.
It’s the best thing to assure my mental health
and, maybe, I’d write a lifetime to retell,
where I wouldn’t retract myself facing common fears
and kindle my youth before it disappears.
So, before I die, please kiss me to sleep.
You’re the only thing that I’d always repeat.
”.
I, then, embrace the best person I could meet –
with her, my love, I’m never incomplete.
But now, as I feel I’m becoming insane,
I truly hope we can get around our pains.
We’re on the edge of the cliff, facing the lake below;
all we need’s to hold our hands and breath before we go.
#2
Your writing is full of this elaborate imagery and philosophical comments, but goes all over the place and lacks a strength. Try cutting back on a lot of words. Not necessarily in a minimalist style, but as an exercise, try cutting your next post down to like 100 words. It'll help you figure out which parts are important, which sets of two or three lines can be said in one, etc.