Page 4 of 241
#121
Quote by willT08
Yeah, that's the kinda man I had you down as. We really are frightfully similar.


Well twins get separated at birth all the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware cheating is less than good. It's just the case that I have to tell myself that, rather than I simply feel it. It also depends on the circumstances, I wouldn't dare try anything at all with someone in a long-term, serious, stable relationship.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
#122
Quote by Todd Hart
Well twins get separated at birth all the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware cheating is less than good. It's just the case that I have to tell myself that, rather than I simply feel it. It also depends on the circumstances, I wouldn't dare try anything at all with someone in a long-term, serious, stable relationship.

I get the feeling you're a year or two older than me though.

I wouldn't be the 3rd party to cheating within a serious relationship. But I've kissed other women whilst being in a serious relationship, and if it wasn't for their reluctance I could have imagined myself of the past having done more. And it wasn't like I just kissed 1 girl on a night out and that was it. I'd repeatedly meet this girl, she'd come and stay the night in my bed but we'd never do anything more than kissing.

Very peculiar situation, but at no time did I really feel deep inside me that what I was doing was wrong. I don't know if that's some defect within myself or whether I'm simply honest about something people feign because they feel they should.
#123
Quote by willT08
I get the feeling you're a year or two older than me though.

I wouldn't be the 3rd party to cheating within a serious relationship. But I've kissed other women whilst being in a serious relationship, and if it wasn't for their reluctance I could have imagined myself of the past having done more. And it wasn't like I just kissed 1 girl on a night out and that was it. I'd repeatedly meet this girl, she'd come and stay the night in my bed but we'd never do anything more than kissing.

Very peculiar situation, but at no time did I really feel deep inside me that what I was doing was wrong. I don't know if that's some defect within myself or whether I'm simply honest about something people feign because they feel they should.


I'm twenty. (the awkward moment when you realise that if she were so inclined (or her boyfriend were so inclined) s/he could easily find out all about this )

And mhmm, I mostly agree, but I'm going to not go into why, simply because I can feel myself slowly justifying what I'm doing every time I explain my position, and I not certain of the position enough to feel that that's okay.

Monogamy, though, is interesting. I mean, it's clear that people are not psychologically monogamous: it doesn't matter how deeply in love with your spouse you are, odds are you'll still want to bang the cute girl who works in your local. But then, practicing monogamy appears to pay incredibly good emotional dividends.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
#124
It certainly does, but our desire to be polygamous often makes me question whether the emotional reward we feel in our culture as a result of monogamy (and by extension, of being 'in love') is purely a social construct (rather than the result of some mechanism we evolved to promote reproduction).

Polygamy is much more widespread throughout Africa in societies which more closely resemble how humans lived together before the rise of Western civilization (a generalization, but probably a fair one). And surely they can't think of romantic love in the same way we do (as we in the West fairly universally define it as between 1 pair of humans).

So when people talk about 'oh love is just something humans feel because it made us wanna bone, evolution baby' I question whether that is the truth of it at all.

Anyway, this took me about 20 minutes to get out, I'm very muddled in my head trying to explain but hopefully you get what I'm saying.
#125
Quote by Todd Hart

You seem to be in a similar predicament to me, albeit with the added issues of actually being friends with the guy, and having a guilty conscience about what you're doing.

I would say it's concerning that you don't feel free to date other girls, and that that may a key main issue in the future. Evidently, I'm not really in a position to give any helpful advice about how to deal with her and you, but I think you need to reconsider how things are going. I've never really had a brilliant immediate sense that cheating in a somewhat trivial relationship is wrong, of course I pay lip service to the idea, but I've never felt it very innately. You clearly do, however, and you're applying that logic to yourself despite the fact you aren't in a relationship. This is bad.

There are really three things that can happen. A) she dumps him and gets with you, B) she dumps him and doesn't get with you; you were just a lubricant to soften her life while she's with this dick, or C) another girl develops an interest in your while you are still fawning for this current girl, and you miss that chance because you feel tied down, despite the fact this current girl hasn't committed. Well, I guess there's a D) also, that being that you and her end up having a long affair and then things develop however. Now I've been in all four of these situations, and I can recommend avoiding the middle 2 (and almost certainly D, too). Given that you feel committed when you aren't, I'd say C) is the most likely, and sadly that's also the most devastating.

I think really you need to start by realising that you aren't committed. I'm not in a place to judge how you deal with 'you two' as an item, but currently there is no 'you two'; there's her and him, and then you. Now, if she's actively getting in the way of other girls then I'm afraid you do need to give her an ultimatum: she can't demand that you are exclusive when she is not.


See this is what I worry about. It's not the fact that I feel tied to her, it's just I'm worried I'll lose a friend if I go for someone else, which has almost happened twice now. Like I said, this has been going on now for nearly 6 months, and in that time I've unsuccessfully dated two other girls and had sex with 2 others. It's not that I can't break away from her, it's just I don't want to lose her as a friend, and unfortunately the only dynamic we seem to have these days is almost in a relationship-y black hole.

But I agree with the ultimatum. I'll need a bit of dutch courage to help me on the way to asking for that, but that's just the british way.

Quote by Freezer Burn
SD would call you an emotional tampon and tell you to move on, so I will choose to do the same. She is using you for her emotional needs, while on the other hand she is probably railing this dude whenever she wants.


She's definitely not doing that. I know the other guy. I hang out with him fairly regularly. He's not getting any. She also doesn't come over to mine to complain about him or anything else for that matter. Mostly we talk about literary criticism and science. He complains about her lack of interest all the time. To me mostly.So I get to hear it from both of them. It's like I'm stuck in the middle.

It's a shame, cos at the end of last year at uni we were all really good friends. Then I split up with a long term partner, and she went for him, and everything went down the shitter.
<--- This is Wally. Not Waldo.

Gear List:
Ibanez RG570
Fender MIA Strat (in black, HSS)
Godawful Marshall MG practice amp

My Youtube
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Last edited by vulgarmachine at May 28, 2013,
#126
You're both more than slightly obsessed, but it's becoming less and less about the person you want, and more and more about wanting to be the person they see you as.

Look in the mirror. Do you want this person, or do you need this person?
#127
Quote by Colohue
You're both more than slightly obsessed, but it's becoming less and less about the person you want, and more and more about wanting to be the person they see you as.

Look in the mirror. Do you want this person, or do you need this person?


'Both' being me and vulgar or vulgar and the girl/me and the girl?

And I don't see that anyone needs anyone, so it seems a bit of a false standard to me.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
#128
Quote by Todd Hart
'Both' being me and vulgar or vulgar and the girl/me and the girl?

And I don't see that anyone needs anyone, so it seems a bit of a false standard to me.


Then I'd say this one might be worth pursuing. Obviously there's the moral question, and from that standpoint I don't personally agree with it, but if morality becomes the only thing standing in your way then it's your problem, not mine.

Would say Vulgar is in the desperate needy stage though, and that's sad.
#129
Quote by Colohue
Then I'd say this one might be worth pursuing. Obviously there's the moral question, and from that standpoint I don't personally agree with it, but if morality becomes the only thing standing in your way then it's your problem, not mine.

Would say Vulgar is in the desperate needy stage though, and that's sad.


I would disagree wholeheartedly. I don't need her. I worry about losing a friend, but otherwise I'm not that bothered whether she does anything or not. Like I already said, if she breaks up with him then I will pursue. Otherwise I will assume nothing and try to keep living my life. Just annoying to have a girl doing this to me. Especially when they're supposed to be my friend.
<--- This is Wally. Not Waldo.

Gear List:
Ibanez RG570
Fender MIA Strat (in black, HSS)
Godawful Marshall MG practice amp

My Youtube
My godawful blog
#130
Quote by vulgarmachine
I would disagree wholeheartedly. I don't need her. I worry about losing a friend, but otherwise I'm not that bothered whether she does anything or not. Like I already said, if she breaks up with him then I will pursue. Otherwise I will assume nothing and try to keep living my life. Just annoying to have a girl doing this to me. Especially when they're supposed to be my friend.


She's not doing a damned thing to you. You're bending over backwards to be available, you just haven't realised how blatantly obvious it is that you're doing it. Just from the length of the initial post you can tell how much of your life she's taken up recently. Spend a week without seeing her. I dare you.
#133
Quote by Colohue
Then I'd say this one might be worth pursuing. Obviously there's the moral question, and from that standpoint I don't personally agree with it, but if morality becomes the only thing standing in your way then it's your problem, not mine.

Would say Vulgar is in the desperate needy stage though, and that's sad.


Did you mean to put a 'not' in that first sentence? Seems the sentence was meant to flow that way.

And it's not a very pressing issue at the moment, I'm likely going to spend the next few months apart from her unless we both put some effort in to see each other. I guess the divide will either cause us both to fall out of, well, I suppose lust is more appropriate to say than love; or it might make us realise we do feel we need each other. As long as we align on that things will be okay, either way.


Quote by vulgarmachine
I would disagree wholeheartedly. I don't need her. I worry about losing a friend, but otherwise I'm not that bothered whether she does anything or not. Like I already said, if she breaks up with him then I will pursue. Otherwise I will assume nothing and try to keep living my life. Just annoying to have a girl doing this to me. Especially when they're supposed to be my friend.



Mhmm, from personal experience I'm going to say I don't believe you. If you were really annoyed by it you'd tell her, and if you really didn't care either way then you wouldn't be pursuing in the slightest - because it's obviously always much easier to not pursue a relationship. Worrying about losing a friend is understandable, but kidding yourself about your view of her isn't going to help (if that is what you're doing, I may be completely wrong).
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
Last edited by Todd Hart at May 28, 2013,
#134
Look, vulgar, I think you've already made up your mind before you even came here. We are giving you advice, but you keep refuting everything we are saying. Just do what you think is right, and report back with what happens, because when it comes down to it, we actually want to hear how things worked out.
R.I.P. Jeb
07/31/08

FREEZER BURN s YELLOWFRIZBEE
#135
Quote by Colohue
She's not doing a damned thing to you. You're bending over backwards to be available, you just haven't realised how blatantly obvious it is that you're doing it. Just from the length of the initial post you can tell how much of your life she's taken up recently. Spend a week without seeing her. I dare you.


So much this.

Sheesh, it didn't take long for someone to argue with the advice given to them.
#136
Quote by chev311e
So much this.

Sheesh, it didn't take long for someone to argue with the advice given to them.


Welcome to the relationship thread, where the advice is made up and the FAQs don't matter.
R.I.P. Jeb
07/31/08

FREEZER BURN s YELLOWFRIZBEE
#137
Just to let you guys know, I did use your FAQs this weekend. I had a first date with a girl yesterday and was trying to think of interesting things to do. I read the FAQs and decided to try to take her go-karting, but they were closed (she told me she would have loved that too).

So my back-up plan was to take her to the bowling alley and she enjoyed the hell out of it.

The bowling alley was just a small part of it, but we ended up hanging out for 9 hours yesterday. It was a total success.
#139
Quote by AngusIsMyHero
Just to let you guys know, I did use your FAQs this weekend. I had a first date with a girl yesterday and was trying to think of interesting things to do. I read the FAQs and decided to try to take her go-karting, but they were closed (she told me she would have loved that too).

So my back-up plan was to take her to the bowling alley and she enjoyed the hell out of it.

The bowling alley was just a small part of it, but we ended up hanging out for 9 hours yesterday. It was a total success.


Good work man! Just don't forget to keep flirting with her. Don't be afraid to be physical if she's reciprocating!
R.I.P. Jeb
07/31/08

FREEZER BURN s YELLOWFRIZBEE
#140
So, how should I deal with infatuation?
I posted in the old RT thread about a girl I liked a while ago, and I told her that I liked her, but she said she had feelings for someone else. But I still talk to her, and, although I really enjoy talking to her, I can't stop thinking about her.
I want to see how this will go, because I do wonder if there is a possibility of a relationship down the line, but I really just want to spare myself the pain and heartache of having non-mutual feelings towards someone.
What makes it difficult is that she's just a really nice and kind person, and even though we have really good conversations, I wonder if I'm the only one truly enjoying it.
Would it be worth it to stick it out for the long run? It's what my heart is telling me right now...
Breakfast, Breakfast, it's great for us
We eat, we eat, we eat
That frozen meat
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, it can't be beat
#141
Quote by Crazyedd123
So, how should I deal with infatuation?
I posted in the old RT thread about a girl I liked a while ago, and I told her that I liked her, but she said she had feelings for someone else. But I still talk to her, and, although I really enjoy talking to her, I can't stop thinking about her.
I want to see how this will go, because I do wonder if there is a possibility of a relationship down the line, but I really just want to spare myself the pain and heartache of having non-mutual feelings towards someone.
What makes it difficult is that she's just a really nice and kind person, and even though we have really good conversations, I wonder if I'm the only one truly enjoying it.
Would it be worth it to stick it out for the long run? It's what my heart is telling me right now...

If she has feelings for someone else and has told you before then don't go for it. She might be nice to you cause she doesnt want to hurt your feelings and she might see you as a friend only. It's hard longing for someone that doesnt want you but move on, youre gonna eventually find someone for you.
STಠ_ಠ
#142
Hmm, I guess that's how it will have to be

I'll ease off and see what happens. I've only really been able to talk to her on facebook mostly, and I've been the one initiating the conversations. I guess I just didn't want to see what was quite obvious in the first place...
Breakfast, Breakfast, it's great for us
We eat, we eat, we eat
That frozen meat
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, it can't be beat
#143
Quote by Crazyedd123
So, how should I deal with infatuation?
I posted in the old RT thread about a girl I liked a while ago, and I told her that I liked her, but she said she had feelings for someone else. But I still talk to her, and, although I really enjoy talking to her, I can't stop thinking about her.
I want to see how this will go, because I do wonder if there is a possibility of a relationship down the line, but I really just want to spare myself the pain and heartache of having non-mutual feelings towards someone.
What makes it difficult is that she's just a really nice and kind person, and even though we have really good conversations, I wonder if I'm the only one truly enjoying it.
Would it be worth it to stick it out for the long run? It's what my heart is telling me right now...


You're just going to have to back off of her for a while. The worst thing you can do around her is be this mopey, love-stricken guy who she feels bad for. You can still talk to her, but try not to be latched onto her constantly. Give her some space so that she thinks you're actually someone emotionally strong and independent.

Anyone can tell you to stop thinking about it and try to move on, but that's much easier said than done. You can however do some things that will help with getting your mind off of her. You should focus on other girls for now or just focus on your own life. You don't have to completely lose hope in her, but just realize that the more you hold on to her the more miserable you're gonna feel. It's hard to find a middle ground in a situation like this. Either be miserable with her constantly on your mind, or start to give up hope and go on living your life without her. I would go with the latter.
#144
Quote by Crazyedd123
So, how should I deal with infatuation?
I posted in the old RT thread about a girl I liked a while ago, and I told her that I liked her, but she said she had feelings for someone else. But I still talk to her, and, although I really enjoy talking to her, I can't stop thinking about her.
I want to see how this will go, because I do wonder if there is a possibility of a relationship down the line, but I really just want to spare myself the pain and heartache of having non-mutual feelings towards someone.
What makes it difficult is that she's just a really nice and kind person, and even though we have really good conversations, I wonder if I'm the only one truly enjoying it.
Would it be worth it to stick it out for the long run? It's what my heart is telling me right now...


You have a case of oneitis. There will be more out her better than her, but you have to look. I'm guessing you're no older than 17 and probably in high school. Don't stress too much about it, it'll only make things harder.
R.I.P. Jeb
07/31/08

FREEZER BURN s YELLOWFRIZBEE
#145
Quote by Crazyedd123

I posted in the old RT thread about a girl I liked a while ago, and I told her that I liked her, but she said she had feelings for someone else.


Let's call this exhibit A

Quote by Crazyedd123
But I still talk to her, and, although I really enjoy talking to her, I can't stop thinking about her.


Note how one way this interaction is coming off.

Quote by Crazyedd123
I want to see how this will go, because I do wonder if there is a possibility of a relationship down the line, but I really just want to spare myself the pain and heartache of having non-mutual feelings towards someone.


See exhibit A. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be making an effort. She shot you down, but did a very typical girl thing by not just flat out saying she doesn't want to be with you. It's what she should have said, but she chose to spare your feelings. Instead, she's given you false hope, albeit not intentionally.

Quote by Crazyedd123
What makes it difficult is that she's just a really nice and kind person, and even though we have really good conversations, I wonder if I'm the only one truly enjoying it.


You're expecting more and she said no. That's as far as you'll get.

Quote by Crazyedd123
Would it be worth it to stick it out for the long run? It's what my heart is telling me right now...


No

The best thing you can do is leave her alone. You're almost addicted to this woman, and the longer you stay near, the more toxic she'll be for your emotional health.
Quote by EndTheRapture51
Anyway I have technically statutory raped #nice

Quote by EndThecRinge51
once a girl and i promised to never leave each other

since that promise was broken

i dont make promises any more
#146
If there's even the slightest chance of a future for the two of you, vanish from her life. Either she'll miss you and come to you or she won't. Either way, you have your answer.

People who care come looking when you're not there.

Also, never ever ever tell a girl you have feelings for her unless you are seriously suave.
#147
Quote by Freezer Burn
What are some of your interests? Maybe join a local book club if that's what your into. Or one of my favorites, join a local sports team, camaraderie is a great way to build some friendships. Once you find a girl you have the opportunity to start talking to, maybe casually invite her to that concert with you if she's into that kind of music. Seems like it could go well.
thanks, bro. honestly, i don't have a great deal of interests. i'm totally obsessed with music acourse but have never been into sports or anything. i like watching the odd movie as much as the next guy, read semi frequently but not obsessively... i guess i care quite a lot about politics, or more accurately about things like eco anarchism and living sustainably and off your own steam and stuff, will have a look to see if there's anything in my area relating to that kind of thing. i know i looked where i lived up til recently and the only group in the area had recently dissolved.

Quote by thedefrockednun
I used to find it hard to meet new people as well and always thought it was easier said than done. It's actually surprising how many people feel the same, which makes it quite easy to make friends with people if you have the guts to make the first move. Just message some people who you have on facebook, but aren't close friends with. Spark up conversation and just ask them whether they wanna catch a certain show or a certain movie.

Also, societies, clubs, classes are all great ways to meet new people. If you have one friend near you who goes out, like him or not, just talk to him and meet his friends. It's easier than you think!
cheers, bro c: honestly, i don't haveeeee ... not THAT many pals in this city anymore who haven't been kinda tarnished by past dramas or relationships, but yeah, i hear what you're saying. there are a few opportunities here and there.
#148
Quote by Todd Hart



I don't want to be with someone who's seeing someone else; I want to be with her. She's just... seeing someone else.


The guy is a bit unstable, when his last girlfriend left him he did some shitty things to himself with alcohol and sharp objects. She's scared that he'll do the same if she leaves him. Plus, he helped her through some really tough shit. So I guess compiling affection there's a sense of worry and betrayal.

Well at least the tactical reasons aren't to make it three more months to make her legally eligible to take half his shit.

But seriously if she is not breaking up with him because she would feel some responsibility if he hurt himself over it how can she bring herself to cheat on him?? What happens when he finds out and hurts himself? Will she not feel even more responsible on account of the added guilt?

If there is a legitimate reason not to break up with him it is an even more compelling reason not to be cheating on him.

Also keep in mind that when a person cheats they will tell the other person all sorts of bad things about their partner. They might say they are a deadbeat, abusive, dishonest, lazy, boring, or any list of other things. The other person involved in the cheating will readily accept such descriptions as accurate even though they are more often than not exaggerations or outright lies about the person in question. Even when they know the person they will see them through a distorted lens.

This kind of character assassination is a way of justifying to themselves what is going on. It romanticizes the whole thing by creating a monster of the naïve person being cheated on and the parties doing the cheating see themselves as star crossed lovers trying to escape the evil tyranny of this other person. It is a fantasy rationalization because anyway you cook it the cheaters are the ones in the wrong. Except those involved don't see it as fantasy, they see it as reality. The secrecy and sneaking around helps perpetuate this fantasy world.

The other most common lies that a cheater will tell the person they are cheating with is that they want to, or are going to, break up with their partner soon. This is so cliche and yet - it is almost always believed. They give reasons as to why they can't do it now and string both guys along. It is extremely rare that the cheater will actually break off their relationship with the other person.

More often than not the other person eventually finds out or gets suspicious enough that they end the relationship and shit gets really messy. A mess that could have been avoided with a little hard honesty a long time before. The cheater will of course tell the other person that it was them that finally broke it off.

Most cheaters are narcissistic. They can alter their view of the world to suit their actions without giving it a second thought. They also change their recollection of past events and believe their version is true. This allows them to convince themselves that they are good people despite doing obviously ethically questionable things. It's far easier to convince other people you are a good person when you genuinely believe it yourself.

I don't know you or the girl you are with. I don't know the guy she is in a relationship with. But everything you have described sounds like a typical cheating scenario. I'll grant you that it is possible that you have found the rare cheater that doesn't fit this profile, that actually is in a bad relationship with a bad man, that genuinely can't break up with him right now and that isn't a grade A manipulator.

Just about anyone knowingly involved a cheating scenario would accept that much of what I said applies to most cases, and yet almost all of them would say that they are the exception. Just think on this for a minute.

Who knows maybe you and her really are the exception. I genuinely hope so for your sake and I honestly wish you all the best. Just be careful, most of the time these things don't end without someone getting needlessly hurt.
Si
#149
Quote by 20Tigers
Well at least the tactical reasons aren't to make it three more months to make her legally eligible to take half his shit.


A good read.
Quote by TheChaz
I ran over two squirrels at once one time. They were chasing after each other in the street, and I swerved to avoid them, but ended up with one under each tire. Still my greatest driving accomplishment to date.

Quote by WantsLesPaul
Hitler could have been aborted
#152
I will say that I haven't been mopey or anything with the girl I like. Our conversations have always been fun and I've had fun being around her.
However, I'm going to back off, maybe only talk to her once a week or something. If that.

At the very least, I can come out of this with some dignity and not look like a fool
In the end, it is her loss
Breakfast, Breakfast, it's great for us
We eat, we eat, we eat
That frozen meat
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, it can't be beat
#153
Quote by Crazyedd123
I will say that I haven't been mopey or anything with the girl I like. Our conversations have always been fun and I've had fun being around her.
However, I'm going to back off, maybe only talk to her once a week or something. If that.

At the very least, I can come out of this with some dignity and not look like a fool
In the end, it is her loss

If it was as fun for her as it was for you, she'll miss you enough to come find you.
#154
Hey guys and gals, I'm in a good-friend, possibly more relationship that I'm really not sure how to handle, advice would be appreciated. (It may also be fairly easy to mock me, though in the interests of discussion rather than name calling I'd ask you to respectfully advise me on my situation, not criticize me).

I met a girl through a mutual friend around 5 - 6 months ago, and pretty much from day one we talked, most of the day when the opportunity presented itself, later on we also hung out a decent amount and saw two movies together. I found her really easy to talk to (and I usually find talking to people awkward and hard). We share a lot of views and interests, and about two weeks ago, she roundabout asked me out, I ended up defining us as 'good friends' , she said 'awww' and asked why she was friendzoned, (we previously, numerous times, admitted that we liked each other), but the reason I haven't negotiated a romantic relationship with her yet is I'm a christian, she's a deist of some sort with belief in reincarnation.

She felt angry and sad that I'd 'rejected her' (though truth be told, if she had been a christian, I probably would have asked her out maybe a month before), but as a result of this, she didn't speak to me for a day or two. In that time I went up to her work to see her, brought some strawberries and chocolates. Eventually she said sorry, and we talked out, I said that it would be very strange and sad for someone whom I thought I knew pretty well to cut me off just because I'd said no on the basis of worldview to a romantic relationship, and she expressed that it would also be distressing to have the fear of being dumped for a more 'religious person' (though I hope I'd never do this), I think she also said that it felt easier just to cut me off rather than trying to face the pain, which I understand. We talked about it and resolved to keep on being good friends, and it was 'cool', (though you never can tell what is going on underneath).

Just tonight now she gradually asked (paraphrasing), if I'd ever lead her on to keep being friends with her. I said that I hoped I wouldn't, that it would be dissapointing to me if she cut me off, but that I'd rather she be free to do what she wanted to do or felt was right.

Then she said that she was sorry she had brought it up, didn't want to talk about it anymore, was angry at herself for going over this again, and excused herself rather promptly and from what she said (she said she'd seen a movie I posted on fb, I wasn't sure exactly what she was talking about, the only movie I'd posted that night was a documentary, she then assumed I was watching that, ala busy (I've actually already seen it, which I told her) and then she went to bed (or said she was going to bed).

Advice?
Last edited by jesse music at May 29, 2013,
#155
i can't think of any decent advice to give, really. this is one of many, many reasons that i can't f*cking stand religion and what it does to people, but you made it fairly clear that you not only predicted that response, but weren't liable to be brought around by the reasoning of it.

there's no decent answer i can think of. relationships tend not to work when one person is infatuated with the other and it's a dead end street. you have no interest with her because of your religion. i think you should leave her alone for a bit. don't be mean or anything - just, don't bring her strawberries and message her and stuff. it's sad to lose a friend, even temporarily, but this isn't going in a healthy direction, and intentionally or not, you're leading her on by trying to 'make it up' to her all these different ways.

and as a ps. - i'm not saying i hate everyone that's religious. not even remotely anything like that. it's just that this isn't even the first time this has come up as an issue this month in the RT and a hell of a lot of people get hurt because of (what i see at least) as... well, people being stubborn due to their indoctrination of choice
#156
First off, thanks for being civil.

If you'd like to express some views about how you think I could be brought around by reasoning, I wouldn't mind if you gave them (although this is relationship talk, not philosophy and religion, I'm sorry if I broke that barrier by bringing this in here).

One correction, I think that I'm very much interested in her as a person, it's just in her views relating to ultimate purpose, deity, ultimate responsibility, about which I disagree.

I'm not saying (at all) that she has to change her views, far from it. I think I would seek to preserve above almost everything else her own free choice, I just wouldn't consent to a romantic relationship with her with our current divergences over world view.

However, I'll certainly take your points into consideration, possibly into action.

Thanks.
#157
Quote by jesse music

I'm not saying (at all) that she has to change her views, far from it. I think I would seek to preserve above almost everything else her own free choice, I just wouldn't consent to a romantic relationship with her with our current divergences over world view.

Why?

What are you supposing would be the downsides of you not agreeing about God that would make a relationship unworkable?

Me and my girl have very different ideas about spirituality, death and the like but it has no effect on us as a couple except in the ways our beliefs inform us to behave as individual people.
#158
^ that'd be pretty much it.

and also, i know you weren't saying you couldn't be *friends* with her - it's just that given that she is really, really interested in having a romantic relationship with you, and you are unwilling to be fully devoted to someone with whom you have different spiritual beliefs, i don't think it's entirely fair on her to be giving her gifts and trying to be around her all the time without giving her time to get over the idea of being with you.

you might be willing to be friends with her - but right now at least, you should, i think, maintain a little distance (again, not being horrible or cold or anything) so that she can clear her head about the whole thing.

at risk of being (HUGELY) trite, you can't always have your cake and eat it too.
#159
Quote by willT08
Why?

What are you supposing would be the downsides of you not agreeing about God that would make a relationship unworkable?

Me and my girl have very different ideas about spirituality, death and the like but it has no effect on us as a couple except in the ways our beliefs inform us to behave as individual people.


I'm slightly hesitating on a reply as I'm wondering if it's going to turn into a massive debate on life, the universe and everything.

I'm not against divergence. I think it can be conceived of as a rather egotistical thing if you're merely looking for the exact mirroring of yourself in another person as you could just be (if effect) loving what you see as your own reflection (metaphorically speaking).

I think it's really good you can act with tolerance, something I admire and hope I would practice (maybe in a slightly different conception) as well.

It quite well possibly wouldn't make the relationship unworkable, immediately, a month, a year, 5 years...

I guess as time wears the passage of relationships, things decay, and if there's a common basis for your relationship, I'd imagine that to help quite a bit.

I realize that this may be a position especially prone to criticism, but it affects the way you live together in community.

Also, regardless of what you see of others who profess to be christians (and I'm not denying the legitimacy of their faith, but also not saying I get it all right, hardly), but the worldview of christianity isn't just something that affects your sunday mornings, but heaps of areas in your life, the way you think about outside friends inside relationships, the way you think about money, about forgiveness, about generosity, about the direction of the relationship, a lot of stuff, and having cracks in the base that affects all of these, I'm not sure that would be healthy.
#160
Quote by jesse music
First off, thanks for being civil.

If you'd like to express some views about how you think I could be brought around by reasoning, I wouldn't mind if you gave them (although this is relationship talk, not philosophy and religion, I'm sorry if I broke that barrier by bringing this in here).

One correction, I think that I'm very much interested in her as a person, it's just in her views relating to ultimate purpose, deity, ultimate responsibility, about which I disagree.

I'm not saying (at all) that she has to change her views, far from it. I think I would seek to preserve above almost everything else her own free choice, I just wouldn't consent to a romantic relationship with her with our current divergences over world view.

However, I'll certainly take your points into consideration, possibly into action.

Thanks.


But can't you understand that by sticking around for a friendship, when she wants a relationship is a bad idea? Based on what you've said, friends don't bring their friends strawberries and chocolates when they want to apologize etc. I can definitely see how she feels she's been led on, and you have to understand what that must be like towards her.

You got close with one another after months of friendship. All you wanted was friendship, she wanted more. At this point, it isn't your fault that the difference in expectations hurt her, that's life, but you have to make a decision. You can't keep her as she is because she's not happy as the situation stands.

You need to step away from her and let her understand that you mean what you say. Telling her no and then going to her work and apologizing and talking things out is not consistent with the message you're trying to give. And based on what you've said you said to her, it sounds like you're guilt tripping her into remaining your friend at times when she wanted out. Whether it was your intention or not, don't do that.

Basically, you have to take a permanent step back, otherwise you're fulfilling your needs while constantly hurting her. Your religious views on the matter are irrelevant. You don't want to be with her, but she wants to be with you. That's it.

And P.S when she sends you messages like that, I'm guessing she's looking to see if you would fight for her, and your nonchalant reply anger her. She wants you to feel what she does, but you clearly don't.
Quote by EndTheRapture51
Anyway I have technically statutory raped #nice

Quote by EndThecRinge51
once a girl and i promised to never leave each other

since that promise was broken

i dont make promises any more