#1
This is my first song. I hope you like it:]
"https://soundcloud.com/alvagorn-1/you-make-these-little-things"
Thanks for listening.
Last edited by alvagorn at May 27, 2013,
#3
Lyrics

You make these little things happen

VERSE1
By night I was feeling alone
A desert of lights and shadows
The sheets were cold as stone
Then You know how it follows

VERSE 2
I was living in a big attic
Caressing the city lights
At first I felt some panic
Now I believe I could fly

BRIDGE
I met you four years ago
Maybe it was a coincidence
You'd never been there before

CHORUS
When I see you eating an apple
I feel I could win all the battles
You make these little things happen

VERSE3
We started living together
Your arms became my home
Hold me honey for ever
Your embrace makes my grow

VERSE4
Our love grows as cakes with leaven
And this distance will not win
I don't believe in heavens
You're my angel without wings

BRIDGE
I met you four years ago
Maybe it was a coincidence
You'd never been there before

CHORUS
When I see you eating an apple
I feel I could win all the battles
You make these little things happen
Last edited by alvagorn at May 27, 2013,
#4
It's not bad but you've posted the same thread in 4 different forums. In fact, that should be posted in Original Recordings, as you did, but close the other threads.
#5
The lyrics is very good, at least I like it very much

__________________
I have a dream,it is a fantasy forever.
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#6
Quote by xiaojunznz2
The lyrics is very good, at least I like it very much

__________________
I have a dream,it is a fantasy forever.
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Yeah, well, you're an adbot. Nobody asked you.

First off, you're trying way too hard to make everything rhyme, or almost rhyme. It annoys the hell out of me when people do that. You don't have to make everything rhyme, and if you do, then there's a good chance that it'll ruin the flow of the song.

Now, clichés. Since you're just writing another love song, you don't have many options to begin with, but there's no reason not to experiment a bit, instead of tossing "angel"s and "honey"s and "hold me"s about. The whole thing feels formulaic; make it your song, not someone else's!

You're going to need a better chorus. The chorus has to be the strongest point of a song, since it's repeated. "When I see you eating an apple" isn't "strong", it's cringe-inducing, and then you rhyme "apple" with "battle".

Proof-read the thing, so that bits like "your embrace makes my grow" (shouldn't that be "me"? or are you missing a certain word in there?) don't slip through.

In the end, what this needs more than anything else is just to be more adventurous. There's nothing wrong with another love song (even if we have more than enough of them already), but if people are supposed to like it, it can't be like all the other ones.

After writing this, I listened to the recording. No surprise, the "apple" part is even harder to take seriously when you sing it.
Last edited by Cavalcade at Jun 1, 2013,
#7
The chorus definitely needs work. Possibly a total re-write... It feels disjointed, random and forced.