#1
EDIT: Updated the link with a newer recording that is significantly better.
Posting this here more for feedback than any kind of pat on the back. Couldn't focus in my classes today thanks to a particular female who I've been wanting to write a song about for several months now and came up with some lyrics. I did my best to write the lyrics without too much thought to a particular chord structure and then tried to pick chords that I thought fit. Curious to know whether it works or not.

If you like it, I'd like to know what I did well and what worked for you. If not, I'd rather you not politely just leave without letting me know, otherwise I'll keep on going thinking I'm doing great. Let me know what you don't like and what I could improve upon!

However, PLEASE pardon some very questionable singing moments. I still haven't ironed out exactly how I want to sing a few different parts and when I quickly recorded it I would be halfway through singing one note and my brain would be like "hey try this instead" and it just came out as blargghhhhh. Trust me, I hear those moments and will get them corrected. I'm mostly looking for feedback on the composition aspect, musically and lyrically! Poorly recorded from my tablet... LINK: Lost In You

Lyrics- (there are moments when I failed at reading the lyrics when I recorded it. This is what I was SUPPOSED to have sung...)

Lost in You
Verse 1

I sneak a glance across the room,
Her hand runs through her hair.
An angel right in front of me,
Completely unaware.
She looks up, catches my eye,
I turn away, try to deny what I’m thinking.
Can’t let her see that...

Chorus

I wanna get lost in her eyes,
Just wanna be holding her hand
But I’m still looking from the outside.
Do you even know who I am?
I don’t know what to say, but I know what I’d do
I wanna get lost in you

Verses two and three

She’s sitting next to me
As we order another round.
Man I’d love to talk to her, but I don’t know how.
I make a joke, soak up her laugh,
Me plus you, that’s basic math can’t you see it?
Would you believe it?

So many words inside of me
But I just can’t get them out.
Do I dare? What will she think?
I know what to say but don’t know how.
I catch her smiling right at me,
Start losing my grip on sanity, I can’t take it.
Dare I say it?

Chorus

I wanna get lost in her eyes,
Just wanna be holding her hand
But I’m still looking from the outside.
Do you even know who I am?
I don’t know what to say, but I know what I’d do
I wanna get lost in you

(BRIDGEEEE)

Baby I can’t take it any more
This fire keeps burning brighter,
Drives me crazy leaves me so inspired
This is it I’m finally knockin at your door.

Give me just one chance to do you right.
I’ll call you mine, you call me yours
Give me all you got, I’ll give you more
It’s no mystery you light up my life.

(Return to verse and chorus)

We’re standing there so awkwardly,
do I dare make a move?
She pulls me close and kisses me,
Girl how do you do?
I pull back, soak up her eyes
Go back in and let the sparks fly
It’s a fire. Girl you’re takin me higher

I wanna get lost in your eyes, just wanna be holdin your hand
I just want you here by my side, want you to call me your man
So what do you say, tell me what will you do?
Will you get lost in me too?
Last edited by thompssc at May 29, 2013,
#3
Hmmm... Try this ? In any case how are the lyrics lol?

EDIT: Just realized I hadn't yet confirmed the creation of my SoundCloud account. Just confirmed so the link should work.
Last edited by thompssc at May 28, 2013,
#4
Personally, pop isn't my favorite, but not bad. Singing wise your voice is pretty good, kind of reminded me of Matt Berninger from the National, pretty deep and a bit nasally. For this kind of stuff I feel like you should really kinda raise the volume and shout out that chorus and especially the bridge part with "Baby I can't take it any more!" that part should really soar. So basically some dynamics are needed. Raise the volume for the chorus' and go even further with the bridge. Lyrically kinda generic, but pretty good generic. Again acoustic pop isn't my favorite so i'll probably always be a little harsh in this case. With really blas'e lyrics you mix up the rhythms pretty well so that makes it more interesting which is good. Overall good start, with some practice you'll have something going there.
#5
I like it.

The guitar playing was pretty solid. You seemed to speed up/slow down at a few points just a tad. Do you record with a metronome? If not, it might be something to look into. As you said the singing still needs a bit of ironing out, but if I've learned anything about music, it's to start somewhere and move up, which you've done, and that's awesome. The beginning of the verses seemed a bit too low for you, so perhaps getting a capo and bumping the song up a key or two could help with that. Also it was a little hard to understand what you were saying at some points (I listened to it without reading the lyrics). I'm sure as you start to feel more comfortable with your style and get more confident diction probably won't be as much of an issue, but I thought I'd point it out to let you know.

Compositionally, it seemed pretty standard, which isn't necessarily bad. I'm not huge into that particular genre, but it seemed to fit pretty well.

As far as lyrics go, I'm awful with lyrics, so they seemed fine to me :P

Keep up the good work! Singing takes a lot of balls, so you've got my respect!
#6
Quote by KidZero
Personally, pop isn't my favorite, but not bad. Singing wise your voice is pretty good, kind of reminded me of Matt Berninger from the National, pretty deep and a bit nasally. For this kind of stuff I feel like you should really kinda raise the volume and shout out that chorus and especially the bridge part with "Baby I can't take it any more!" that part should really soar. So basically some dynamics are needed. Raise the volume for the chorus' and go even further with the bridge. Lyrically kinda generic, but pretty good generic. Again acoustic pop isn't my favorite so i'll probably always be a little harsh in this case. With really blas'e lyrics you mix up the rhythms pretty well so that makes it more interesting which is good. Overall good start, with some practice you'll have something going there.


Yea I see what you mean on the bridge. And dynamics. This tends to be an area I neglect even playing covers, I usually am focusing so much on playing the right chords and hitting the right pitches I forget to use dynamics. I reckon it's about time I add that tool to my skillset. Also I appreciate the feedback on the lyrics. It seems between you guys and the folks over on another board, the consensus feedback is they are just general cheesey pop lyrics. I'm not going to change these lyrics apart from one or two lines (its my first song! Its supposed to be bad right?), but next go round I'd like to maybe not be so cheesey and generic. How do I get there? What's the key to getting better at writing lyrics?

Quote by Emraj
I like it.

The guitar playing was pretty solid. You seemed to speed up/slow down at a few points just a tad. Do you record with a metronome? If not, it might be something to look into. As you said the singing still needs a bit of ironing out, but if I've learned anything about music, it's to start somewhere and move up, which you've done, and that's awesome. The beginning of the verses seemed a bit too low for you, so perhaps getting a capo and bumping the song up a key or two could help with that. Also it was a little hard to understand what you were saying at some points (I listened to it without reading the lyrics). I'm sure as you start to feel more comfortable with your style and get more confident diction probably won't be as much of an issue, but I thought I'd point it out to let you know.

Compositionally, it seemed pretty standard, which isn't necessarily bad. I'm not huge into that particular genre, but it seemed to fit pretty well.

As far as lyrics go, I'm awful with lyrics, so they seemed fine to me :P

Keep up the good work! Singing takes a lot of balls, so you've got my respect!


Thanks for the feedback! Regarding speeding up and slowing down was somewhat by design, but not to the point of being distracting, so ill work on trying to do it more tastefully. I'm actually a big drumline guy so keeping solid time is a strength of mine, often to the point that my playing is so rhythmically precise that it has no feeling. I tried to combat that but I guess I over corrected and need to dial it back and find the happy medium. Duly noted.

Ill try singing it up a whole step too, since you're right about it being low in the chorus. I need to figure out how much I can raise the key before the bridge gets out of range. The enunciation was part a function of not having mastered the lyrics yet, but also due to my lack of focus on enunciation. I'm glad you pointed that out because I always forget to open my mouth.

I really appreciate this feedback, even pointing out things I'm already aware of helps reinforce it in my head and will hopefully make it stick. Thanks for being brave enough to give a listen!
#7
Suggestions for writing less generic lyrics? Well, it really all depends on how un-generic you want to be. If you like pop bands then play pop music, that's fine. It just depends on what your going for. So if you want to sound something like a particular artist or genre all I can say is listen to that kind of music, try to figure out the lyrical style at its essence and try to copy and expand on it. And just write alot of songs, songwriting takes practice too. The more you write the better you'll get at going in the direction you want to get to.