I very much liked the idea behind this composition. I think the flow was really great and the build up was very well done. I think the execution could use just a bit of work though. I felt that the lead melody overall throughout the track with pretty weak volume and tone wise. I liked the melody, but it seemed like it was afraid of itself. I'd work on the tone a bit, maybe add some reverb or a delay to give it a bit more interest. I would double track the rhythm guitars when they come in, which would also add a lot of substance to that part. When those guitars come in you have to opportunity to really blow the audiance away with a powerful climax in your song, but it didn't quite deliver for me. I'd turn them up a bit. Make it a really powerful moment!

I'd try to work on the drums a bit too. Especially the kick drum - it seemed pretty quiet and weak. Pump some more bass into those suckers and I think it'll add to the power some more.

I very much liked your use of a reoccuring melody. I thought it connect the beginning and end of the song really well, and it conveyed your emotion very well. With a bit of work you could have a pretty impressive piece of work. Keep it up!