Share your best fart stories.

Yes I am so bored I want to hear other guys' fart stories. I am confined to my basement room and can barely use the bathroom. Fuck you.

Quote by CoreysMonster


Share your best fart stories.

Yes I am so boring I want to hear other guys' fart stories. I am confined to my basement room and can barely use the bathroom. Fuck you.


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Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

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brot pls
Hahahaha you said farts
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
This thread reeks.
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There's nothing left here to be saved
Just barreling dogs and barking trains
Another year lost to the blue line
When I workout and take in a shitload of protein, my farts make me want to kill myself. If you're disturbed by your own farts, you know it's bad.
In 6th grade (11 years old) I sneezed and farted and the same time in front of my classmates.

I like to fart in front of my dogs face because it scares her. She hears it and then she hurries to smell it and then runs.

I get gas when I eat bread by itself.

I'm done opening up for today.
I sometimes get ones that smell like a dying dog, its like normal fart mixed with vomit and strong cheese
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One time me and this really pretty girl were talking in the common room, I had a huge crush on her and this was really the first time we got to talk to each other one on one.

Things were going great, and I even contemplated asking her out for coffee when the conversation finished. Alas, being male my attention could only be held for so long, She was mid-sentence when without any control on my part, the most beautiful, crisp, flatulent sounding fart came from my ass cheeks. I tell ya it was the best sounding fart I've ever released but at the worst possible time.

She stops talking as soon as she hears it. She looks me in the eye and for a moment I wondered what the hell I did wrong. That's when I clued in that not only did I very noticeably fart, but I did it while she was talking to me about her grandfather who's hospitalized with colon cancer.

No, we did not get coffee after.
Never met a person who farted louder than my youngest brother. I remember he once let rip at the dinner table and it sounded like a harley davidson or something!
I remember I was sitting doing my homework, and had to fart. Being the immature 13 year old I was at the time, I pushed it out in an effort to make it as loud (and hilarious) as possible. Between the wooden chair I sitting on, and the wall that was directly behind me, I swear the fart sounded exactly like a gunshot, and actually made me jump.

There was this other time, I was with my family and we were waiting outside a restaurant for a table. The benches we were sitting on were painted, and I had a louder than normal fart while sitting out there waiting. When our buzzer lit up to go inside, my dad pointed out that the paint where I had been sitting had chipped off, and claimed that it was my fart that chipped it away.
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I'd kill you and wear your skin.
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To attempt to have intercourse with a hornet's nest is a very bad idea,

Voted UG's worst cross dresser.
Also voted #95 on UG's Top 100 2013. Like it means anything....
One time i was in pizza hut, i thought i'd pull a nasty fart. True story, i sharted. I went to the rest room and threw my boxers in the trash, lucky for me my pants contained no shit. However my boxers were wrecked. When i came back out, my dad was laughing...
Quote by The Leader
Duel of the Farts.
It was 8am on a Monday when I boarded the elevator. Nothing unusual about this day, it was proceeding as Mondays often do: Boring and slow. There was a man in the elevator going to the 20th floor, same as me. The ride went slowly as we shared an awkward silence. We had assumed the traditional elevator stance. With neither one of us caring to start a conversation, our hands were at our side, staring rigidly ahead trying almost desperately not to make eye contact.

Out of emergency, or to simply break up the monotony, he let out a small fart. He looked at me and grinned, not out of cruelty, but as an act of challenge. As luck would have it, my slowly digesting Eggs Benedict and coffee were starting to kick in. I answered back with a blast that was twice as long and twice as loud. His reply was the same. This continued floor after floor, going back and forth, topping each other just a little bit more; The sheer amount of air we were passing was bordering on physically impossible.

When we passed the 18th floor, he began his final attack. Under visible strain, with beads of sweat rolling down his face and saturating his shirt, he clenched and released a massive expulsion on an almost atomic level. It reverberated through the elevator, leaving a ringing in my ears. It was truly breathtaking, literally and physically. Again, he grinned at me out of challenge.

But I wasn’t done yet. Ignoring the awful scent we had filled the elevator with, I entered a state of trance through meditation. Relying on my digestive tract was far too easy. I knew that the power to win resided deep inside me. In my trance, I heard no sounds, I had no sight, no sense of smell. In what was an eternity for me but an instant for him, I mentally prepared my body for the task to come.

When I opened my eyes, I knew I had unlocked long dormant capabilities; The rumble I felt in my intestine was unlike any I had ever felt before. The elevator chimed a soft tone as we passed the 19th floor. One floor to go. As the stars aligned in perfect symmetry in our galaxy and its surrounding counterparts, I began my final attack.

The initial burst alone dwarfed his attempt in one fell swoop. Immediately, he seemed to sense danger, his eyes darting around for a possible means of escape. There was none for him. Or me. My rectal expulsion continued at the same volume, but it was only the beginning. As I glared at him through bloodshot eyes, I uttered a battle cry as a herald of the onslaught to come: With a voice that seemed foreign and alien to me, possibly demonically influenced, I roared “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!” as my flatulence reached its pinnacle blast.

I had ascended to a level previously unknown, or long forgotten, to mankind. It was loud and powerful enough to disrupt electrical current; the lights and even the gears of the elevator itself seemed to dim and stall as the look on my opponent’s face grew more and more terrified. And still I continued as the very fabric of space and time seemed to bend and fold. Shamans from long dead civilizations dropped dead from their clairvoyant vision of horror from the future. Utopian societies looking back through sophisticated instruments collapsed in on themselves overnight in the wake of the ripple through time I had created.

Still I continued. Up became down, black became white, and briefly, the whole of existence seemed to cancel out entirely. Outside of all of this, the elevator reached the 20th floor, its doors opening to reveal a crowd of people waiting to go down. The ones that weren’t overcome immediately had their intelligence completely obliterated. They reverted to a primal state; teeth gnashing in hunger and clenched hands lusting for claws long forgotten by evolution, then scampering off to parts unknown.

I was finally reaching the end. Unfortunately, my biblical butt blast had assumed a life of its own. Currents began to form; gravity itself was negated as I became a living black hole. The innocent folk that were initially overcome began to awaken, and immediately wished they hadn’t. As they looked inside the elevator, they saw not a man, but the face of Death himself. Man, woman, and child alike wept openly at the scourge and pestilence that was birthed onto this Earth from my anus.

Then it was done. For the sake of mankind, I willed the final blast towards the black hole I created and canceled it out entirely. Overcome with fatigue, I observed the destruction I had wrought. The innocent bystanders at the elevators threshold were alive at least, but their minds would forever be scarred. My initial opponent was not so long, as his proximity to me had caused his very molecular structure to integrate into the wall behind him, leaving only a face with pure terror permanently frozen in time.

I have never attempted a fart of such magnitude since, but perhaps one day a threat to mankind will emerge that only I may prevent, and give me the vindication that I will likely be seeking until the end of time. I suppose the moral of this story, if there is one, is that one should never mess with forces unknown to them, and should never, EVER go against the nature of life itself.

There you go.

How do you say "I'm okay" to an answering machine?

all my farts are silent and they don't smell at all. this means i can fart at any time, at any setting. it kinda gives me an edge and more confidence. when i'm facing someone that intimidates me, i can fart and think 'i just farted within 3m of this guy and he has no idea' and it suddenly makes me feel superior and evermore masculine. like asspennies.
"watchin your vids online still brings tears to my eyes" RIP Depzman
Quote by laid-to-waste
all my farts are silent and they don't smell at all. this means i can fart at any time, at any setting. it kinda gives me an edge and more confidence. when i'm facing someone that intimidates me, i can fart and think 'i just farted within 3m of this guy and he has no idea' and it suddenly makes me feel superior and evermore masculine. like asspennies.

sounds like someones ben droppin dat soap one 2 many tims if u knw what i mean lol
Quote by blake1221
One of the many joys in life is watching a dog fart itself awake.

That happened to a good friend's dad once.

Come to think of it, I've written this in some other thread before, but I have a quite sizeable collection of homemade fart recordings.
Quote by jetfuel495
I remember that thread
Thanks for finding it, I forgot it existed.

I lost all my bookmarks so I had to find it again. Totally worth the search.

How do you say "I'm okay" to an answering machine?

Quote by desperatechris
Yes TS we know you got gas, you are after all German.

He's American.

And what is this thread you're talking about?