#1
If it's meant to be
Then let me know
If it's make believe
Then let me go.
I wount feel
any blame towards you
I'm scared and ashamed
of what I did to you
When your gone
The colors turn blue
I only felt
sorry for me
ineveabillity
says missory
I hate myself
and these stuiped thoughts
just wanna die
Can't wait to rot
hey
now na na na
hey
yeah yeah yeah

I don't believe
in destiny
but I can believe
The scars in your heart
I'm not like them
i've been condemned
But i wount feel
bad for me
Cause hopefully
We will be
hey
yeah yeah yeah yeah
hey
yeah yeah yeah yeah

These little thoughts
that fill my head
are telling me that
i'm better off dead
I've never felt
this way before

You saved me from
my true form
now look at me
a dead drunken *****

I don't believe
in destiny
but I can believe
The scars in your heart
I'm not like them
i've been condemned
But i wount feel
bad for me
Cause hopefully
We will be
hey
yeah yeah yeah yeah
hey
yeah yeah yeah yeah
I used the worst font imaginable to piss people off
#2
Singing about wanting to die in an obvious 'breakup' song very easily becomes whiny and pathetic. It may very well be how you feel, but some interesting metafor - a narrative frame, if you will - would keep it from being bland and generic.
Please let me keep this memory, just this one ..
#3
Quote by Samhuinn
Singing about wanting to die in an obvious 'breakup' song very easily becomes whiny and pathetic. It may very well be how you feel, but some interesting metafor - a narrative frame, if you will - would keep it from being bland and generic.


Look deeper then that my friend, there is a lot of symbolism. Yes whining is annoying, but look at anthony kiedis and kurt cobain, most of their lyrics can be described as somewhat whiny. "sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner. Sometimes i feel like my only friend".

"i'm not like them, but i can pretend"
"i'm worst at what i do best, for this gift i feel blessed."

While they may sound whiny, it is mostly representation, almost like a parable of some sort, of how they feel and is not too be taken literally .
I used the worst font imaginable to piss people off
#4
I don't see any symbolism, I see cliche and stale metaphor, but no symbolism.
And vague, impersonal lines "What I did to you" "The scars of your heart"
they mean nothing to the reader without context or build up. This reads like the first attempt at songwriting by a 14 year old. I think we've all been there - so keep at it and learn from the criticism. There are a lot of really talented writers on these forums, you'd be wise to listen to them.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#5
First off,
Quote by Cleverusername2

I wount feel
...
ineveabillity
says missory
...
and these stuiped thoughts

This is unacceptable. Proof-read before posting, and run a spell-check.
Now, the content. Avoiding clichés is something that'll come in time, from listening to other bands with a critical mind, but all the rhymes seem forced, especially the "head/dead". At least it's not "red/dead", but cripes.
Now, we have this thing called "show, don't tell". If you say you're writing from your heart, you can't just go through the motions. You have to get as deep into the details as you can; don't just tell us how you feel, show us what it feels like. It's the reason we write songs in the first place, instead of just drunk-texting our exes; it's the difference between painting the Mona Lisa and drawing stick figures. This:
Quote by Cleverusername2

I wount feel
any blame towards you
I'm scared and ashamed
of what I did to you

is drawing stick figures.
You mentioned Kiedis and Cobain. I think you're missing a big part of why people worship them. Not necessarily because they're lyrical geniuses, but because their lyrics are accessible, and more importantly, because people can relate to them. Maybe you can (and if it is, put some more fire into your lyrics!), but before anyone else can relate to your lyrics, they need to make the jump from "drunk text" to "poetry".
If I had to rate it (that's what you said you wanted, after all), I'd probably give it a 3/10, but detailed feedback is way more valuable than a rating. I hope you see why.
Last edited by Cavalcade at Jun 11, 2013,
#6
Well thanks

I've got plenty of time to improve
I used the worst font imaginable to piss people off
#7
Quote by Mr.Pink101
I don't see any symbolism, I see cliche and stale metaphor, but no symbolism.
And vague, impersonal lines "What I did to you" "The scars of your heart"
they mean nothing to the reader without context or build up. This reads like the first attempt at songwriting by a 14 year old. I think we've all been there - so keep at it and learn from the criticism. There are a lot of really talented writers on these forums, you'd be wise to listen to them.


Thanks I agree, I will improve eventually.
I used the worst font imaginable to piss people off
#10
Quote by Cavalcade
Well, that was definitely helpful and constructive, and not unnecessarily pedantic hair-splitting.

oh cool, another new word for me to engine search i learned off these forums.
#11
I have to agree this song is more than a little cliche. It says what we've heard time and time again in so many songs. But the melody did seem catchy. Rarely often do I catch much melody by simply reading lyrics. I would suggest perhaps sticking with the melody if you like it and maybe changing the subject matter.

Return critique if desired-
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=31547857#post31547857
#12
Quote by NattyDaddy
But the melody did seem catchy. Rarely often do I catch much melody by simply reading lyrics.

how's that possible? unless you're assuming.

if may or may not be a ballad in which would most likely change the melody.