#1
Folk, Moderate Tempo


Not sure how I feel about this one, any thoughts?


For several days I’ve watched the storms
As they made their way to my barren shore
Our imperfect paths are sure to meet
When they come knocking at my door

How I wish it was not the clouds
Who had come for me tonight
So I’ll trace out your silhouette
And hope that you just might

But I will bask in every glimpse
Of light that seeps from the sky
While you dance among the stars
And stir the fog around my eyes


When the winds blow out my windows
And the gales sweep across the floor
They’ll find their way into every crack
And suffocate the warmth

While the ghosts leave their mark
On the trails through the trees
Their shadows will quake and shiver
As they soak the winters breeze

But I will cherish every whim
Where my body and mind go awry
While you dance among the stars
And stir the fog around my eyes
Last edited by Fly-By-Night at Jun 13, 2013,
#2
Hey, I like this.

Though I sort of ran it through a metal filter in my mind xD
#3
Shit tis awesome.
Ill jam on my mandolin while singing,hopefully you wont mind?
#4
Quote by Combined
Hey, I like this.

Though I sort of ran it through a metal filter in my mind xD

"Castle Of Glass" by Linkin Park, imo. (Chew me out for it all you want, but I actually like that song.)
There's some really great stuff here, so I'll mostly focus on what doesn't work. The rhythm could use some fixing so that it's more consistent, as long as it doesn't ruin the great imagery. Then again, this is supposed to be folk, so I guess it's not that important, but it just makes me cringe a bit when you start four lines unstressed in a row, then "How I wish it was..." And speaking of that line, it just feels kind of weak in comparison to the rest of the song. Maybe try something like "If only I could scatter the clouds" instead, to fix the accent issue too?
All in all, though, I love this one. The rhymes are fresh, the imagery avoids clichés, and the word choice is perfect, all without being too opaque or obvious.