#1
“I love you”

and, for a fraction
of a second,
your eyes looked left
and, as the artificial light
focused on their opaque stare,
I could see you
travel across lifelines
of possibilities
and parallel
universes of regrets
and rejoice.
Your entire set
of options and cause-effects
flashback
before you like snippets
or Polaroid pictures,
as if you’re staring at a mirror
that reflects
all that you could ever have been
and all that you could become.
You try to quiet your tic
of nibbling the inside of your cheek
and I would’ve never notice it
until you loved me too too late.
#2
Hmmm, not sure about this one. I definitely like it though!

"travel across lifelines
of possibilities
and parallel
universes of regrets
and rejoice.
Your entire set
of options and cause-effects
flashback
before you like snippets
or Polaroid pictures,"


I enjoyed the parallel universe imagery, but I'm a sucker for that kind of thing. I guess my main problem here is that this piece promises me a lot with that section then lets itself down toward the end.

It's possible that I don't get it yet (or that I'm not in on the joke), but I think you can do better than the last four lines. They're great on their own but I'm just not sure they work with the rest, and the only thing pulling it back together is the I love you.

Perhaps this needs a little more substance so as to smooth the transition between high imagery and the intimate?

EDIT: I could cop out and say I know nothing the emotional content of this, but then is it not our job as poets to make people understand?

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I liked it.
Last edited by Of_Wolves at Jun 14, 2013,