#1
Hey everyone. This is the first time I've posted in the lyric forum. I've recently drafted a full album's worth of material and I'd really appreciate any feedback on a few songs, so I'll be posting them here over the next few weeks. Leave a link to any of your work you'd like critiquing with your feedback and I'll be more than happy to give my opinion!

This song is called Flame. As it's intended as a lyric it probably sounds better within the song than just written down, so I've done a rough recording to indicate the rhythms etc. The link is at the bottom. Anyway...


When the waters rise
And splash round my feet
Is when my world comes crashing down
And I start to feel weak

As the smoke clouds up the sky
And I can barely breathe
I think it’s time to put an end
To all that we believed

But you don’t have to tell me
I know that I should stay
After everything we torched
I won’t let us burn away

Because the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
Yeah the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark

I see you turn your face away
But I know that it won’t help
You can close your eyes
But you can’t blind yourself

You can’t hide from what you’ve done
No, we have to share the guilt
And there’s nowhere left to run
Now we’ve burnt the life we built

And fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
Yeah the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
The fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
Yeah the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark

There’s a flame in my soul and it burns for you
There’s a fire in my heart so we’ll make it through
Whatever the world tries to throw our way
We’re gonna burn it down every single day

And when I burn
You’ll burn with me
And when I burn
You’ll burn with me

And fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
Yeah the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
The fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
Yeah the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark

When I burn
You’ll burn with me
When I burn
You’ll burn with me
When I burn
You’ll burn with me
When I burn
You’ll burn with me

https://soundcloud.com/tomnomnom91/flame

Thanks for your time
Quote by Andron17
Go away, I have an erection.


Bassist for Half My Kingdom.
Last edited by TJ1991 at Jun 12, 2013,
#3
Quote by dog_style
seems more like poetry than lyrics. but it's not bad either way.


Thanks for the feedback. I don't quite know what you mean by that though, could you elaborate? Surely any bunch of written words with a rhyme scheme and meter seems like poetry rather than lyrics?
Quote by Andron17
Go away, I have an erection.


Bassist for Half My Kingdom.
#4
Ignore him. From the rest of his posts, he's either a troll or incredibly stupid.

The first "weak/feet" rhyme will have to go; I'd recommend changing "and I start to feel weak" because it comes off bland and passionless. Repeating the "And the fire..." part four times is probably a bad idea; although the music helps. Maybe add a variation to one of the lines every so often (ie once, twice, then something else, then a third time)? And using fire (not the most original theme) as a metaphor for the whole thing just doesn't do it for me, but that might be a personal thing. This piece isn't bad at all, though.
#5
Quote by Cavalcade
Ignore him. From the rest of his posts, he's either a troll or incredibly stupid.

The first "weak/feet" rhyme will have to go; I'd recommend changing "and I start to feel weak" because it comes off bland and passionless. Repeating the "And the fire..." part four times is probably a bad idea; although the music helps. Maybe add a variation to one of the lines every so often (ie once, twice, then something else, then a third time)? And using fire (not the most original theme) as a metaphor for the whole thing just doesn't do it for me, but that might be a personal thing. This piece isn't bad at all, though.


Thanks for the feedback! Originally the chorus was:

And the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
[insert line here]
All I need is yours spark

But I thought that was really cheesy. I'll work on it.

I can see why the fire metaphor could be considered a bit worn, yeah. But hey, I'm relatively new to this!

Thanks again for the feedback, is there anything of yours I can crit?
Quote by Andron17
Go away, I have an erection.


Bassist for Half My Kingdom.
#7
I'll say this, the music and melody definitely helps this piece. The lyrics are nice, simple, but I wouldn't call them the stand-out part of it all.

But let's be honest, that's not really a problem in the grand scheme of things. If the music sounds good you might as well be singing about anything (and many bands do).

You have the song writing gift I'd say Tom. My advice would be to try and tighten up your metaphors and imagery (lord, knows I need to). Songs like these need to rely on a certain amount of repetition for sure, so thats not in question as such, but I'd like to see you try and explore the metaphors a little deeper.. to change things up. That way the fire thing might not seem so over worked.

Often you'll find even the most cliche, stupid idea is perfect. I know in fiction writing that's often the case. Someone once dared Jim Butcher to write a story, giving him the prompt "pokemon" and "the lost Roman legion". He insisted ideas are cheap and a writer can make anything decent if they try, the dare giver thought that was rubbish... but now we have the successful Furys series, and the darer has eaten his hat.

My point is this. Use the fire metaphor by all means, but explore it. Every idea has the potential to be great, you just have to dig and polish and shine until it gleams.

Keep at it.
Last edited by Of_Wolves at Jun 14, 2013,
#8
Quality stuff, I enjoyed. I would not be past buying an album songs like this. I really enjoyed the mixing of the piano and electric guitar, definitely something we don't see enough of. I enjoyed the chorus and bridge as well. By the way, a little off topic, but what did you use for recording equipment? A home recording studio? I'm curious because I really need to start doign more recording.

Oh and if you've got spare time I'm looking for feedback on this song I wrote-
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=31547857#post31547857
#9
Ahem. This is a forum for lyrics, not music (check out Recordings, I'm sure they'd love to have you). Just saying you liked the lyrics, then saying you liked the music, then "oh by the way, c4c?" is pretty superficial. One reason we ask for good, useful critiques before you post a c4c link is because people can't really do anything with a "good job, now c4c me". Another is because, let's be honest, it looks like you're trying to promote yourself, rather than help someone else.
#10
Quote by TJ1991
Thanks for the feedback. I don't quite know what you mean by that though, could you elaborate? Surely any bunch of written words with a rhyme scheme and meter seems like poetry rather than lyrics?

obviously you listen to to music enough and pay attention to the lyrics, but have you ever read poetry? or listened to stand up poets? i'm sure youtube has stand up poets doing the open mic thing. if you ever look into that, you might see/hear what i mean.
the last question, i would say no for the answer. but that could be a matter of opinion.
#11
Quote by Cavalcade
Ignore him. From the rest of his posts, he's either a troll or incredibly stupid.

.

you know you want it.
#12
Quote by Cavalcade
Ahem. This is a forum for lyrics, not music

wrong again, it's for Songwriting & Lyrics. a song isn't a song without music. vocals alone makes a song so long as it's sang, sung...see how sang, sung, sing and song sound familiar? probably not. but there's a reason for that. songwriting.

people could put up a video or audio track of them singing these songs with their lyrics if they have a vocal melody to help express the lyrics as well, with no music instruments.
Last edited by dog_style at Jun 15, 2013,
#13
Quote by dog_style
wrong again, it's for Songwriting & Lyrics. a song isn't a song without music. vocals alone makes a song so long as it's sang, sung...see how sang, sung, sing and song sound familiar? probably not. but there's a reason for that. songwriting.

people could put up a video or audio track of them singing these songs with their lyrics if they have a vocal melody to help express the lyrics as well, with no music instruments.

You're the guy who said we should just flat-out remove the Pit, so I'm not the least bit surprised you've somehow missed that we have an entire subforum for recorded music. And it's not this one, the one that people only post text in. Maybe you noticed? I wouldn't count on it. Anyway, you gave up your right to argue anything about anything long ago. Get comfy on my ignore list.
#14
Songwriting & Lyrics is not for music. If you want to post accompanying music then go for it, but it's about written word and each thread has to contain such: Poetry, lyrics, prose, short stories, etc.

Keep it civil, folks.
#15
Quote by TJ1991
Thanks for the feedback! Originally the chorus was:

And the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
[insert line here]
All I need is yours spark

Actually as cheesy as that sounds, it should work. I'd try the following though:

And the fire in my heart
Burns brighter in the dark
All I need is your spark
[insert line here]

Then, make sure the last line ends strong and leads into the next verse.

Crit mine please?
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Jun 16, 2013,
#16
Quote by Cavalcade
You're the guy who said we should just flat-out remove the Pit, so I'm not the least bit surprised you've somehow missed that we have an entire subforum for recorded music. And it's not this one, the one that people only post text in. Maybe you noticed? I wouldn't count on it. Anyway, you gave up your right to argue anything about anything long ago. Get comfy on my ignore list.


oh geez, you're still crying about the pit? come on. that's why you go against my response to this thread. obsessed. not that i really care but if i am on your ignore list then why are you replying back to me? i bet you stalk my posting history too.

being a songwriter isn't the same as promoting your band. some songwriters only write and are not in a band or even play out as a solo artist or make professional recording product for their songs as a soloist. they only write, which is why this site has the two sections, because they are not the same thing, even if songwriters put their songs in the promote your band section.
#17
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Songwriting & Lyrics is not for music. If you want to post accompanying music then go for it, but it's about written word and each thread has to contain such: Poetry, lyrics, prose, short stories, etc.

Keep it civil, folks.

help me out here. what's the difference between songwriting and lyrics then? because the site has them as two different words, it's not songwriting/lyrics it Songwriting & Lyrics. where should people put their skills if they have music for the lyrics and a vocal melody? if they are not in a band or are a solo artist and just a songwriter. a song writer seems to be a composer, which i think means they are not trying to get their name out there, just their songs to sell or just for fun.
#18
I've never agreed with the title of this forum, but it was implemented well before I even signed up to UG, let alone started posting and became a mod. It's not the most sensible and comprehensible title for a forum, but if you read the rules it'll make sense.

The thing to remember is: If you have original material, such as a video on YouTube or a clip on Soundcloud, post it to Original Recordings. If you have lyrics for the song and want criticism on them, and happen to have recorded material as well, post them both in S&L in the same thread. The lyrics will make the music in compliance with the rules and will be read and critiqued.

If you have any issues with writing music, such as how to compose a song, work with melodies, learn how to tune a guitar, etc., go to Musicians Talk. You have no idea how many threads I've had to move from here to there in the three years I've been moderating on UG. All people have to do is read the rules and they'll know where to post everything.