#1
Prayer

Scream vocals are in parenthesis.

Hear me oh lord
Save me from myself
Hear this last chord
Send your grace over me

Forgive me for I have sinned!
(You will get no sympathy from me)
Hold me in your arms
(Even your prayers are an abomination)

I truly hate what I've become
Though I'm still better than some
(Your pleas seal your fate)
Change me before its too late

---badass guitar solo---

Forgive me for I have sinned!
(You will get no sympathy from me)
Hold me in your arms
(Even your prayers are an abomination)

I long for your true love
Come back like his dove
(Welcome to hell soldier)
Why do I grow colder

Forgive me for I have sinned!
(You will get no sympathy from me)
Hold me in your arms
(Even your prayers are an abomination)

Draw me close and sear me
(You've nowhere to flee
Enjoy your stay pathetic saint)

-----------------------------------------------

What do you think?
If I could get THAT sound out of a Casio Mickey Mouse watch, I would play a Casio Mickey Mouse watch
Last edited by Wetstra at Jun 12, 2013,
#2
Grammar:
Other than "Draw me close and sear me" (sear you like on a pan?), it looks like you proof-read this before posting it, which is good, but expected. Some lines feel a bit awkward (come back like whose dove?), especially the ones that clearly stretch for a rhyme, but I'll get to that.

Rhythm/Flow:
None at all. This reads like prose.

Imagery:
Show, don't tell. This case might be kind of hard, because your song is more of a r/atheism post in call-and-response form than a story or a picture, but try to make something visceral and engaging, by going into as much depth as you can. Details. Imagery. "Why do I grow colder?" is a start, but it's vague and awkward. There are so many historical cases of people feeling betrayed by their own god, that you could invoke symbolically. The Black Death. The fall of the Holy Roman Empire. Basically everyone who died in the Thirty Years' War; "gott mit uns". And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Cliché management:
I'm just going to ignore that the whole Christian-bashing thing is overused and cliché on its own. I listen to Finntroll, so I shouldn't be talking. But the fact remains, naked and plain: these rhymes are a chore; they make me bored. Writing rhymes is easy; rhyming every line makes me queasy. For you, I've laid out that couplets are played-out. See what I mean? "Love/dove" is just awful, and it's clear that you forced that one.

This is the metal version of an Amazing Atheist video with hand puppets. Smugly pandering to smug fans, and hoping it'll cover up the lack of substance. Don't get me wrong, if you set this to a few stolen Slayer riffs, with harsh enough vocals, fast enough drumming, and just the right type of mix, people will love it. I'm not much of a lyrics person, and lyrics are rarely the focus in metal. But that doesn't mean they have to be the same tired, clichéd, insubstantial stuff every time. And that's what this subforum is for.
Last edited by Cavalcade at Jun 12, 2013,
#3
It seems to kind of lack direction. I get that it's blaspheming Christianity, and believe me, I'm all for that, but it doesn't really go anywhere. What are you trying to say? What message are you trying to put out there, that's worth having a song about? It doesn't really tell a story, and it doesn't make you think. Honestly, they're mediocre at best.
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#4
Thanks for the input man, and this is a very early draft. It's not really supposed to be blasphemous; more of a battle between God & the devil for a person's soul.

(come back like whose dove?)


That ones a reference to the story of Abraham.
If I could get THAT sound out of a Casio Mickey Mouse watch, I would play a Casio Mickey Mouse watch
Last edited by Wetstra at Jun 13, 2013,