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#1
Has anybody here wanted to die? I've felt this way for many years and it gets worse and worse. It's like there's nothing left to me... I'm just a zombie... a shell of my former self. All my friends have pulled away because I'm always so depressing and sullen (can you blame them?). I've tried therapy, antidepressants/antipsychotics, exercise... nothing helps. I haven't eaten now for about 4 days just because I no desire for food. Strangely, I feel I deserve and relish the hunger pains...
The worst part of all is that I can't kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family or what's left of my friends. I know this isn't the place to complain/bitch but there's nobody who wants to hear it left. Has ANYBODY here ever felt like this? Has it ever gotten better? If so, HOW?!?!! Please... I'm desperate...
#2
spend time with people who love you, happened to my sister when she left for college and she came back to my home with my parents. She eventually got better, and now is looking to join the peace core. That's my advice to you, don't give up man.
#3
Go back to therapy. How long did you attempt treatment?


I have experienced a disinterest with living but didn't want to do anything as drastic as suicide, like you. I pretty much confronted the fact that I'll only live once and that death is the end. If it's the wrong choice there's no do over. Might as well live until I don't have a choice. Being with my friends more and stuff helped pull me out. Spend more time with your friends whenever you have a moment of feeling anything. Be impulsive but for good things like getting out and talking to people.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
Last edited by BladeSlinger at Jun 13, 2013,
#4
I got kicked in the balls really hard once, so hard that I wanted to die so the pain would end.


However, I changed my mind because it was a girl who kicked my junk so technically it counts as getting some action.


I hope this post helped
#6
I was in therapy for about 3 years... eventually it became evident that my therapist was very disinterested and didn't listen to anything I said... I tried other therapists but to no avail. I've actually moved back in with my parents and have been here for about a year.
I've tried about 6 or 7 different antidepressants... the doctors said my depression is "treatment resistant".
#7
I wanted to throw myself in front of a train today, but I got on it instead.
"If God exists, there's no way he is French" - Andrea Pirlo

S A D B O Y S
#10
I've tried to spend more time around friends and family but strangely that seems to make me feel worse. Both because seeing others happy actually makes me more depressed and also I know I'm just bringing everybody else around me down. I've also tried illegal drugs but they make things worse in the long run.
#12
Quote by ehbacon
go **** yourself padgea7x

If you were a somebody, I'd be offended.
#13
Quote by ehbacon
go **** yourself padgea7x

Would you just shut the hell up?


slapfunk_101: Ok, so you've done the normal stuff. Have you looked at any alternate forms of therapy? Did the other therapists show no interest or simply not work? You might look for different forms than traditional therapy. I would think that doing anything that keeps you focused an active would help, like exercise or a sport. Do you have any outlets for your depression? Ways to redirect negative emotions into something productive or positive?

I had the same thing with thinking I was a burden and not liking to be around happy people. Staying focused helps. The important thing is that you understand the repercussions of something like suicide. That's good. You still have empathy.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
Last edited by BladeSlinger at Jun 13, 2013,
#14
Have a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Quote by jakesmellspoo
ooh look at me i'm ERIKLENSHERR and i work at fancy pants desk jobs and wear ties and ply barely legal girls with weed and booze i'm such a classy motherfucker.
#15
I paint and play a couple instruments... no therapists seems to help. I just leave feeling worse than I went in. They say talking about it helps but It seems like just re-opening wounds. What alternate therapies are there? I've tried herbal remedies, shock therapy, acupuncture and massage. Any relief from any of this has been fleeting at best. Maybe I'm just broken or something... my last girlfriend actually committed suicide so that weighs on me quite a bit (whether my fault or not). I'm at my wits end here guys... I appreciate the kind words though.
#16
Quote by jjfeu662

that Kurt Cobain reference was horseshit, but I guess it's not in total bad taste.


I don't know if i have the right to say, but i have felt the same way before, in a way my case is in the earlier stages than yours. I guess I just wait it out,you know, to get over my episodes of suicidal depression.
#17
It got better for me, and it gets better. My reason may not work for you, but I know I would've wanted help when I was in this situation.

I started believing I was something instead of nothing. Like my presence in others' lives actually made a difference, which it did and does. I still get down at times, but if that happens, I turn to friends and family, or I write about it and see if what I'm thinking makes sense.

You have to believe in yourself, and I know that must sound so cheesy, but that's really all it takes. Just find one thing that makes you amazing. That one thing will become two, three four... etc. I found just thinking positively from there keeps things from turning out badly.

When you've found a reason and the will to do so, I suggest either explaining what was happening to the friends who pulled away from you (if you can contact them), or if need be make new ones (I know that is hard, and I hate it. But if you suck it up the first time you try to make a friend, it's much easier from that point on).

If you have hope inside you, you can turn things around for yourself. I hope what I said makes some sense to you. I would be happy to know I helped you to overcome all the things you're going through.
#18
Have you tried a religion? It doesn't have to be Christianity, maybe Buddhism will do you good?
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
No one will ever know our names
But the bards' songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

ALL HAIL CELESTIA
#19
Quote by slapfunk_101
I paint and play a couple instruments... no therapists seems to help. I just leave feeling worse than I went in. They say talking about it helps but It seems like just re-opening wounds. What alternate therapies are there? I've tried herbal remedies, shock therapy, acupuncture and massage. Any relief from any of this has been fleeting at best. Maybe I'm just broken or something... my last girlfriend actually committed suicide so that weighs on me quite a bit (whether my fault or not). I'm at my wits end here guys... I appreciate the kind words though.

Broken wouldn't be what you are. People try really hard to act like they aren't, but every is messed up somehow.


Talking about things can help but I don't think it would unless you gained insight or relief from it. It can be painful at first though. I've never attended therapy myself but my friends have.

So your depression has no root that you've found? Obviously a girlfriend committing suicide would weigh down any sort of normal person (while depression is a mental illness, it's only a shade of normal. People have numerous deviations from what everyone portrays as "normal"). Being weighed down by it shows you aren't broken in that respect. Have you tried anything with meditation? It's not my thing but I know many people who do it.

Have any more concrete hobbies? Music and art are good for expression but you may like more physical influence. Building things or fixing them, maybe even taking them apart.

^I don't think religion as a fix for depression is a good idea, even the less dogmatic ones.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
Last edited by BladeSlinger at Jun 13, 2013,
#21
I went through two bouts of horrible depression that seemed inescapable. The first one was self cured by a hypo-manic episode, but my second period ended with a suicide attempt and a stay in a hospital. Before I tried to kill myself, I had lost all of my friends and could not feel anything but despair and hopelessness. I was lying in bed all day watching TV thinking about everything bad I could possibly think about. I brought my family to tears over how despondent I was. It was the worst I have ever felt in my life, and I would never wish it on anyone. That was in September. It has taken 9 months and A LOT of hard work with a psychotherapist to get to the place where I am now, which isn't the most desirable but I haven't felt suicidal or depressed in months. I am also on mood stabilizers but often question if they have helped me at all or if it was mostly therapy.

The main thing I got out of it, having been to another therapist before the one I currently have, is a good one makes all the difference. You say you've tried a bunch but my advice is to keep looking. I've worked through so many problems by analyzing dreams, because there was a time when I couldn't feel anything, and the only thing I had were dreams. From that you draw unconscious feeling and emotions and work through them. I highly recommend finding a good psychotherapist that genuinely cares about you. It has saved my life.

I really hope you get better, and if you ever need anyone to talk to PM me. I don't check my profile too often but I'll do my best to respond when I can. Please don't give up.
It's a process, not an event.
#22
Quote by I.O.T.M
I wanted to throw myself in front of a train today, but I got on it instead.

Woah. Good job if you're serious.

TS, I dunno what to say. I feel like that pretty often (kinda do right now, really) but it doesn't normally last more than a couple days. Sorry I can't really help. Just don't blame yourself for what happened to your girlfriend.
Quote by Sliide90027
But as a bigoted lemming, you have so cry an Alinslyite slur revealing you lack of reason and sense.


Quote by MusicLord16
BOB 1. ur 20 and two u like evil things and idk if u worship the devil
#24
Quote by Do Re Mi
I went through two bouts of horrible depression that seemed inescapable. The first one was self cured by a hypo-manic episode, but my second period ended with a suicide attempt and a stay in a hospital. Before I tried to kill myself, I had lost all of my friends and could not feel anything but despair and hopelessness. I was lying in bed all day watching TV thinking about everything bad I could possibly think about. I brought my family to tears over how despondent I was. It was the worst I have ever felt in my life, and I would never wish it on anyone. That was in September. It has taken 9 months and A LOT of hard work with a psychotherapist to get to the place where I am now, which isn't the most desirable but I haven't felt suicidal or depressed in months. I am also on mood stabilizers but often question if they have helped me at all or if it was mostly therapy.

The main thing I got out of it, having been to another therapist before the one I currently have, is a good one makes all the difference. You say you've tried a bunch but my advice is to keep looking. I've worked through so many problems by analyzing dreams, because there was a time when I couldn't feel anything, and the only thing I had were dreams. From that you draw unconscious feeling and emotions and work through them. I highly recommend finding a good psychotherapist that genuinely cares about you. It has saved my life.

I really hope you get better, and if you ever need anyone to talk to PM me. I don't check my profile too often but I'll do my best to respond when I can. Please don't give up.

Same here, feel free to PM me. My depression wasn't as bad as yours but a little context can help a conversation. Or if you just feel like talking.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#25
Slapfunk, no one on this Board is going to have the right answer for you. The answer is long and complex and you just need to be determined to dig deep enough to find out what your underlying issue is so you can begin to deal with it. While we all feel empathy towards you and your unfortunate situation the only person who can truly "fix" you is you. If you didn't find the right therapist you have to work to find the right one. If the meds are not working you have to be determined to find the right meds.

I have a lot of experience with this with a family member who sadly is not with us anymore. Everything you have said so far is a good sign that you WANT help and NEED help. Your friends and family want to help but probably feel even more lost and confused by this than you do.

I would suggest speaking to your doctor about seeing someone specializing in depression, anxiety and mental disorders. I know you said you went that route but felt like you got nowhere. You perhaps have not found the right therapist yet but you MUST keep looking.

God Bless and wishing you a peaceful mind from Nova Scotia
If you have never checked out the Wood Brothers. Do yourself a favor and look them up. Best. Band. Ever.


__________________
#26
Thanks again, everybody. I'll try another psychotherapist. I find tattooing myself helps a little (if briefly) ... I suppose in the same way cutting does through endorphins. I know self-harm is pointless and would only further drive away loved ones. I don't blame myself for what happened to her but of course it will always be with me.
#27
dude, im right there with you. Three incredibly close people have chosen to.. end it since the 21st of last month. Since then im walking about trying to keep busy but i cant shake the feeling of ending it myself. I've been starving myself trying to shake that numb feeling and that's something i cant afford to do but still, zero appetite. Just know your not alone and try to keep your head up, my inbox is always open if you want to talk.
Going away for a long, long time
#29
Quote by Masquirina
Nope, never in my life!

You should throw a party for no reason or go to a party with a plenty of general distractions and uproarious celebration. Just don't worry about anything and voluntarily spend more time around loud, excitable people who almost never stop being happy. Life should be as constantly fun for you as it is for them. If you don't enjoy endless excitement with others, you should see a doctor. Good luck

That sounds ****ing terrible and I'm not even depressed.
Quote by Fat Lard
Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to learn about a language you already speak? It was over before it even started dude

Quote by captainsnazz
brot pls
#30
Die ? Nope. Live ? Don't care, just don't wanna die. Sex change ? Much more likely.
#31
Yeah man tons of people feel like you though. Try to find someone else who does, you could help eachother.
Quote by Sliide90027
But as a bigoted lemming, you have so cry an Alinslyite slur revealing you lack of reason and sense.


Quote by MusicLord16
BOB 1. ur 20 and two u like evil things and idk if u worship the devil
#32
Quote by slapfunk_101
Thanks again, everybody. I'll try another psychotherapist. I find tattooing myself helps a little (if briefly) ... I suppose in the same way cutting does through endorphins.

Something physical like running also releases endorphins without leaving ugly squiggles permanently inked onto your body tho.
Quote by jakesmellspoo
ooh look at me i'm ERIKLENSHERR and i work at fancy pants desk jobs and wear ties and ply barely legal girls with weed and booze i'm such a classy motherfucker.
#33
Quote by Masquirina
Nope, never in my life!


Never would of guessed by your absolutely horrible advice.
It's a process, not an event.
#34
Quote by Do Re Mi
Never would of guessed by your absolutely horrible advice.

This.
Quote by Sliide90027
But as a bigoted lemming, you have so cry an Alinslyite slur revealing you lack of reason and sense.


Quote by MusicLord16
BOB 1. ur 20 and two u like evil things and idk if u worship the devil
#36
Get out of the pit and go out with the people you have left. Anything that keeps you from thinking about it.

I've gone through some rough times and I got over it once I realized that I only felt bad when I was alone. So once I figured that out I did my best only to remember the good moments of the day and really concentrated on thinking 'bout those good things. So eventually I didn't have to concentrate so much on thinking 'bout the good times and nowadays I find it kinda hard to remember the bad things that has happened to me.
Quote by Anthropocentric
Your balls. You lost the right to them. Hand them over.


Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
What kind of person needs to have a Flying V shoved up their vagina?



Join The 7-String Legion! Now!
#37
This might not be all that useful, but if you're willing to try alternative options, maybe try hypnotherapy.

It's not the 'magic trance' stuff that people think of when you think of hypnotism, it's more a guided meditation type deal. But you have to be willing to give it a go to have any sort of effect. It might not cure whatever form of depression you have or whatever it is you're going through, but it might offer some time where you can at least switch off.

Ideally you'd have someone sit with you and guide you as you need it, but if that's not an option you could try some hypnotherapy recordings on the internet.
Rhythm in Jump. Dancing Close to You.

Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
#38
Quote by padgea7x
I hope this post helped


No, it didn't help, because it reminds me that you never post anymore outside of that stupid soccer thread.
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#39
Quote by slapfunk_101
Has anybody here wanted to die? I've felt this way for many years and it gets worse and worse. It's like there's nothing left to me... I'm just a zombie... a shell of my former self. All my friends have pulled away because I'm always so depressing and sullen (can you blame them?). I've tried therapy, antidepressants/antipsychotics, exercise... nothing helps. I haven't eaten now for about 4 days just because I no desire for food. Strangely, I feel I deserve and relish the hunger pains...
The worst part of all is that I can't kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family or what's left of my friends. I know this isn't the place to complain/bitch but there's nobody who wants to hear it left. Has ANYBODY here ever felt like this? Has it ever gotten better? If so, HOW?!?!! Please... I'm desperate...


Sounds like clinical depression bud. I had it for about a year and a half. It was hell.

I think I got it cuz I didn't know what to do with my life and felt like I handled some decision very badly, hence didn't know what the point of living was and it just spiraled into a self-loathing pit.

Once I got out of it I looked back and thought "Well, ok, I felt bad because things at the time looked very bad, but now looking back on it I was looking at things far too pessimistically and things turned out all right even though at the time everything was bleak."

Sadly, there's no magic bullet for depression. What worked for me, may not work for others. I needed time, a change of scenery (I moved to two different countries!), and a change in life.

Try to find out the cause/trigger for your depression and tackle it.
#40
Quote by theogonia777
No, it didn't help, because it reminds me that you never post anymore outside of that stupid soccer thread.

I'd post more outside but it's always the same threads every year.


Like my homeboys in Hackney say, same shit different day
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