#1
Don't usually bother doing this anymore, but 'ere y'are.


On a trampoline and she bounced too high.
She went for lunch, but didn’t have the stomach.
Out on the ice without the right blades,
They’re playing a gig without any songs.

On the right track in the wrong pair of shoes.
At a house party without any news,
Abuse meets her there and the transfusion begins.

Look.

I’ll get the skates,
and you find your umbrella,
‘cause the wind’s blowing
up a storm.

--

She’s up a creek without a canoe,
And maybe I dreamed the universe.
#2
You should bother doing it. I thought it was good. I felt it was kind of too scattered and fragmented. Like a bunch of sentences put together. But I feel it works, everything's connected on its own way.

So yeah, keep doing it.

EDIT: Read your old stuff. You're a good writer, man.
#3
Thanks mate.

I'm forcing myself to write more poetry, rather than just pure fiction. I hope to get some vague kind of band together very soon and I guess I probably need the practice for that.

Also, I'm glad you reminded me of my old postings here...

I hadn't got many of those archived!
#4
I really like this. If anything I think it could do with more of a thread running through it, but each section works well together, and the fact it's quite short serves as an advantage in that respect. I love the first two lines of the second verse, and the last line. I'm looking forward to seeing what else you've got! Do you have any plans to set this to music?
Quote by Andron17
Go away, I have an erection.


Bassist for Half My Kingdom.
#5
Quote by TJ1991
I really like this. If anything I think it could do with more of a thread running through it, but each section works well together, and the fact it's quite short serves as an advantage in that respect. I love the first two lines of the second verse, and the last line. I'm looking forward to seeing what else you've got! Do you have any plans to set this to music?



I might use it for lyrics... It would need to be retooled and possibly expanded on, but that would all depend on this hypothetical, hopefully soon-to-be band of mine.

Thanks for giving it a look!
#6
Quote by Of_Wolves
I might use it for lyrics... It would need to be retooled and possibly expanded on

That depends upon what kind of song you set it to. I could really see this working for a short hardcore or Metalcore song, a la bands Cerce or Psyopus or Converge or The Chariot. Alternatively, I could see this working as a short acoustic song.