#1
Verse 1:
Burn into my spirit, sear into my soul
Blow me away, I say
Sweep me up like a tornado
You set me down on a solid, weathered rock
My only fear and reason

Chorus:
Genesis ascendant
Master of the universe
The only omnipotent being
Genesis ascendant
Dire but fair, master of the universe


Verse 2:
Your words strike like lightning
Shatter me right now
Your voice is blazing thunder
None ever saw you and remained the same
My only fear and reason

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
Looking into myself for vice
Breaking down the causes of decay
Slowly ending my internal strife
Seeking the incomprehensible tranquility
I'm the powerslave; command me now

(Chorus)

Verse 4:
Brothers, hear my words, listen ardently
Follow the Law, the integral sum
Learn well writs in the Teaching
The way to life and your maxim
Surrender my will, take up freedom

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Entreat and commune in your name
The smoke of burnt incense rises
Heaven's come to earth
Heaven's come to earth
(Oh...)

Verse 5:
Master of mine, guide me now
I want to know my destiny
Mysterious Master, surround -- holy and wise eternally
Surrender my will, take up freedom
Command me now, here and evermore
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Oct 17, 2013,
#4
I'm not very good at critiquing straight up lyrics like this, but i'll give it a go.

I really like that first verse, great subtle rhyming and the wording is interesting.

The other verses progress well, leading cautiously to that dark conclusion (which I like) but maybe you could have foreshadowed it earlier on or something, just to build suspense. On that subject i don't feel that this needs another verse, it might make it too drawn out, you could consider squeezing the ideas you have into the other verses, or add to the chorus.

I must confess, however, I am not a fan of the chorus as it is lacking a definite hook and doesn't add anything really. I also think this reads well without a chorus, but that might not work in the context of a song.

Overall this piece has potential (that first verse really is great) but I think it just needs refining in a couple of places.
#5
Quote by doubtfulsalmon
I'm not very good at critiquing straight up lyrics like this, but i'll give it a go.

I really like that first verse, great subtle rhyming and the wording is interesting.

The other verses progress well, leading cautiously to that dark conclusion (which I like) but maybe you could have foreshadowed it earlier on or something, just to build suspense. On that subject i don't feel that this needs another verse, it might make it too drawn out, you could consider squeezing the ideas you have into the other verses, or add to the chorus.

I must confess, however, I am not a fan of the chorus as it is lacking a definite hook and doesn't add anything really. I also think this reads well without a chorus, but that might not work in the context of a song.

Overall this piece has potential (that first verse really is great) but I think it just needs refining in a couple of places.

How would you refine the chorus? I tried to make the song title work as a hook (and I think it kind of does the way I intend to sing it). But suggestions?

As for another verse, the reasoning behind that is that V1 & 3 share a verse riff, while V2 & 4 share a different verse riff. Then, V5 shares a riff similar to V1 & 3 but different enough that the listener should notice. The outro then gets a bit technical as it leads up to that final crescendo.
Basically, this is a prog metal song, where all of the verses will share a musical commonality in that there's a brief strings part that comes in every 3 repetitions of the verse riffs. This song was kind of inspired by Metallica's "Master of Puppets" I admit (hence the "Master of the Universe" line, which was also the original title at one point), although it's significantly more progressive. Point is, it's a long progressive metal song with a Thrash-like feel.

Edit:
Oh, and I kind of hope to foreshadow the conclusion a bit in V4.
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Jun 17, 2013,
#6
I like it, I can't judge your writing in a literary way (I'm not native english), but it seems good, in some places the rhymes don't seem to help a lot, but I guess it depends on how it'll be sang.

Are you writing music to this too? That can change a lot on the feel of the song.

Sorry if I can't make any really constructive criticism, I just wanted to say I found these lyrics really intresting.