The title says it all for the most part. this is supposed to be a short intro song for my third metal album. the empty bar in the beginning is just as a count off when i practice it. also, i will do C4C in return

thanks guys!
I like the oriental theme of the intro lick, and the riff afterwards with the slap bass is pretty cool. I don't like the cliche lead afterwards though, I think you could develop a much more interesting motif than just always repeating the arpeggio progression. Try to write a melody into it! (12 - 23).

The lead that comes afterwards is better already, I'd maybe vary the tremolo at like, bar 32, that's the same note for way too long.

The riff afterwards with the arpeggios is fine when it's not a lead.

The breakdown afterwards needs some coloring, some variation or some more varied chords, or a longer progression imo. The rhythmic is fine but super cliche/
Pretty solid grooving from the first bars to bar 56. I dig the triplet-fills in the rhythm section in bars 29-30. The leads do work, but nothing very original is sensible here. Cool usage of the harmonic minor though, you really know how to use it. Thus, as I said, it works really well and is solid, but perhaps, in my opinion, lacks some originality.

After bar 56, I don't really what's happening or how the new part is connected to everything that happened before. It feels a bit like it's a whole new song. And boom, the song ended. I feel like, even though it's an intro song, the song doesn't come into a conclusion or a solution which would give the song a "permission" to end, if you know what I mean.
I don't know if you're going to have vocals in this, but they will definitely be the defining sector whether this will actually work or not.

P.S. I'm really bad at criticizing, hope you liked it
1-11 Sounded sweet.

12-21 sounded okay for the first two or three bars, but got boring really fast. You may want to try throwing in a five string arpeggio across one whole bar or use the diminished scale every now and then.

24-27, pretty generic diatonic run. You could spice it up by doing a chromatic run on bar 27 in triplet 16ths instead of diatonic in 16ths to give it that Flight Of The Bumblebee-esque sound, of course, subject to your ability to play it in the first place (I know I couldn't ) So maybe start the run halfway through bar 26 if you have to.

28-32 try using some bends or the whammy bar there to make a change from all the straight picking from the last 16 bars or so.

34-56 sound like a rehash of 12-21. On the runs that incorporate open strings, bars 45, 53 and 55, you could try repeating them with the first two notes of the sequence displaced. I mean like the first time round would be like 7-4-0 and then the repeat would be 6-3-0.

Bar 60 onwards seems a tad mindless to me. You might want to try displacing the rhythm of the riff every now and then, or use different intervals. The minor sixth or maybe the diminished fifth come to mind rather quickly. And you could use a simple run down the scale you're in or the diminished scale every other repeat instead of using pinch harmonics alone. Just descending the first 4 notes of the scale will do. To incorporate both, on the runs when you use the minor sixth, descend the first 4 notes of the scale being used. On runs using the diminished fifth, use the first 4 notes of the diminished scale.
Don't get me wrong, it's not bad, but it's very predictable and repetitive. Going up and down fifths in the breakdown also isn't a great idea. Throw some more ideas in there, vary the rhythm, try and make it less predictable. The rhythm guitarist and bassist could do with some different / harder parts.
I don't really feel like dissecting this one. It's cute and easy on the ear, I just want to hear it go past and not get too lost in details, because it's cute and makes me not want to think. I'll just say something, you should work on your solos, because doing scale runs and filling bars with all 16th notes doesn't make for really memorable leads. I tried making a quick solo of what I usually do, I'm by no means good at it but eh, maybe you'll see what I mean better than with words?

cool stuff tho. looking forward to more

edit - dang it, posted in the wrong thread. Obviously I was talking about your "I'm fine" song. D:
I'm fine sketch solo for lulz.gp5
Last edited by |_JR_| at Jul 10, 2013,
yeah, ill be honest, that solo was a little more show off-ish just because i recently got to that playing ability. but as for your solo JR, its not too bad actually. some of the notes are a little off though. but overall i wouldnt say yours is really much more memorable either, no offense. i get your point though, i shouldve added a little more soul to it. input duly noted